I know I sound horrible. I know I’ll get lots of hate saying leave him the poor man but I know a lot of women feel the same.
I love him but he just gets on my nerves anyone feel the same? Give me stories / things your husbands do that grate on you like a fork on a brick wall. 😂 I know I sound vile. I’m honestly not, just ughhhhh shudder.

Was Paul Newman, discuss

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

Clothes accessories cosmetics everything.

Should my post natal 6-8 week check have been done by a GP and not a nurse?

I was under the impression these should always be carried out by a GP but mine was with a nurse and quite honestly at the time I didn’t really think too much about it (I think we can all remember how hazy that time was!). Having thought back about this time recently, I realise that she didn’t physically check me at all and actually I don’t think what happened should have done. Annoyingly my NHS notes on my app don’t go back far enough to this time period so I have requested them.

I suppose what I’m asking is whether others experienced this, whether this is normal practice and whether I’m possibly worrying over nothing and that my experience was as it should be?

Thanks all.

We are in the process of remodelling a house in order to sell (we won't live there). The house is a semi-detached chalet bungalow that originally consisted of 2 large bedrooms upstairs (no bathroom) and then downstairs a smaller third bedroom and the family bathroom, as well as a lounge and a separate dining room that is open to a compact kitchen.

We have added a dormer to create a third double bedroom and a much needed family bathroom upstairs. We plan to pinch a section of the current bathroom to improve the kitchen, and what is left of the bathroom will be a space approx. 1.7m x 1.5m.

We had initially planned to refit this as a downstairs shower room to serve the fourth bedroom, but after giving it some thought, we wondered how many families would actually use this as a bedroom (as opposed to a play room, home office etc), and we have been considering whether a downstairs WC with space for a washer and dryer (as well as storage and drying space) would appeal more to the type of family who would buy this home?

In the larger kitchen, there would be space for a washing machine, but a dryer would need to go elsewhere. We wondered if a dedicated utility space would therefore be more useful and desirable than a second shower? To clarify, there would be a downstairs WC and basin in both options.

Given the dimensions and layout, there isn't space to do both, however as plumbing and drainage would be in place, it would be easy to remove the utility cupboards/worktop and install a shower cubicle in the future.

For context, the house is very close to good local schools and 5 minutes from the motorway, and would probably appeal to a young family. If you would consider buying a house with this bedroom arrangement, which would you prefer?

I suppose they’re unique!

DH has bought something for the house without mentioning it to me and I am honestly a bit annoyed.

It was about £40 so its not like he's gone mad or anything but its something we absolutely did not need and I would have rather the money went towards other things tbh.

I only found out because the parcel turned up and when I asked what it was he said he'd ordered it a couple of days ago. I said I wish he'd mentioned it first and he said why, its hardly a big purchase and he doesn't ask me before buying things for himself.

I do see that point but I don't really think its the same when its something for the house? Especially when we've got other things coming up that we need to pay for.

I am not saying he needs to ask permission every time he spends money btw. If he wants to buy himself something with his own money then obviously thats different. But if its coming out of our joint account for something that is basically unnecessary then surely its reasonable to discuss it first?

He thinks I'm being controlling and making an issue out of nothing.

AIBU?

I'd say i'm a girls girl, if you call it that?
Enjoyed the company of men as friends more when younger, but had mainly female pals.
Just been for a dog walk around the neighbourhood with my family and ran into a couple around the corner. Any time we do, this woman just lights up around Dh and chats away (have seen her do this with other male neighbours too)
I've tried hard to be friendly and smiley but she's just not as friendly as with Dh and other men, laughing at his comments (he's not even that funny really 🤣) and chattering away, turning her back on me.
I don't know, maybe she just doesn't like me, which is fine, but she seems to love talking to the men, not women. I realise that sounds bitchy, I don't mean it to be, I just find it a bit annoying especially when we walk off and Dh says 'She's so nice!'
I have a feeling she maybe isn't!

Anyone had this or know what I mean?

I have had some issues with my stomach for the last few years and find anything with a proper waistband incredibly uncomfortable after about an hour. It makes me feel horrendous and often lasts hours after I take the trousers off. I live in high waisted leggings, light jersey trousers or dresses with tights.

I lived in jeans until this all started and I’m desperate to get back into them but after an hour I’m so so uncomfortable that it ruins my day 😔
I recently bought DS (5yo) some chino type trousers for a smart occasion and thought they were fab as they had the waistband of a pair of joggers rather than make of the chino material!!

If I could get proper jeans but with a very soft waistband it would be a dream!

Unfortunately, I’m not fitting in an age 5-6y anytime soon 😅🤣 So I’m on the hunt!

Has anyone seen anything that fits the description? Every time I search for ideas it just brings up loads of links to Halara. I believe they are more of a light and thin material rather than proper denim though unfortunately!

I‘m turning 40 later this year.

I‘ve always been into alternate music and fashion. But you wouldn’t really know to look at me. I‘m a teacher, wear floral dresses or jeans and t shirts.

I really want to get a piercing. I think it would be called a low labret. About a centimetre under my lower lip. It would be quite shocking to most people around me, but not to those who know me personally.

Has anyone else done this? Is this my mid life crisis talking?

I can't stand the heat. I holiday pretty much only in snowy places, some of which get dark very early. I have not coped well this summer. I also have a heart problem that isn't helped by hot weather. It's making me seriously consider moving to Scotland. My mum and dad, in their 70s, are somewhat open to also making the move with us - we are close emotionally and geographically and they wouldn't want to be away from my daughter.

The problem is this. I have lived within the same 10 miles for the majority of my nearly 40 years of existence (aside from uni, and living in Europe 3 times briefly). We have good friends here, it's a nice area, we have a lovely home. A nice primary school round the corner etc. Good neighbours. Parents round the corner. We both are happy in our work and can work remotely. Nothing is technically 'wrong' aside from how hot the summers are becoming. For example, there were loads of local things I didn't go to/do this summer because it was too hot.

I feel sick at the thought of leaving everything and jumping into the unknown. But part of me doesn't want to live and die within the same 10 miles anyway. I feel like I've exhausted almost everything here. I can't think of anywhere new to go any more and I find that utterly depressing.

My partner and I have always loved Scotland. Always. The nature and the space, the friendly people. So it's not an idea plucked out of thin air. It's been something that I've wondered about on/off for years.

Is it normal to feel so sick at the prospect of making such a big move? If I stay here will I regret not having tried it? Do you think the weather (and writing off 3 months each summer) is reason enough to do this? I can't settle on one idea. Sometimes I just think it's easier to do nothing but everything suggests that hot summers are going to be our new 'normal'.

Call me old fashioned, but isn't this sort of thing likely to provoke a run on toilet rolls? Couldnt find any other threads on it, but I think there is a "preppers" topic on here somewhere. In any case, what do you think? I'm sort of concerned, should I be? Or has this gone under the radar?

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2026/aug/25/uk-to-warn-citizens-to-stock-up-on-food-amid-threat-from-climate-crisis-and-hostile-states

https://www.dunelm.com/product/emily-metal-bed-frame-1000295082?defaultSkuId=31055771&size=Small+Double+4ft&colour=Cream

Am I being unreasonable to think that the gap between the bars could present a risk to a tween/young teenager, if their head were to become stuck between them? (I haven't measured the width of the gap). Or am I unreasonably stuck in some sort of baby / toddler safe sleeping mode? Tell me if IABU. Teen likes this style.

Hi everyone, I’m looking for some outside perspective on a situation with a man in his 50’s I’ve been seeing for about four months.

We have a fantastic connection, get along incredibly well, and have both expressed that we are in love with each other. He makes future plans with me, gives me lots of nice compliments, and is genuinely affectionate.

However, from the very beginning, he was honest about experiencing nerves-related ED as it had been a few years since he last had sex. Early on, he took Viagra once, it was successful, and we quickly developed a very active, regular sex life. My observation during that time was that he occasionally struggled to finish, mentioning that he tended to overthink things and found it hard to relax. He also complains a lot about his hips or knees hurting when we have sex and says he wants to get fitter. He does seem to stress about his weight, I think he’s gorgeous but I don’t know if he feels insecure.

Everything changed when he started a new medication for an unrelated health issue. He says It completely killed off his libido and erections, causing us to barely have sex for the past couple of months.

Because this was bothering him, he decided to stop taking that medication two to three weeks ago. Since then, we've had a long conversation (that he instigated) where I admitted I was worried we were becoming more like friends than lovers. He strongly reassured me that he finds me physically attractive, and wants sex with me, but admitted he feels under immense pressure to perform physically, even though mentally he wants to be with me.

On top of that, he is often completely exhausted from work and falls asleep within minutes of getting into bed. He asked me to just be patient and let the meds get out of his system. I had been instigating sex with him but I’ve stopped now because I don’t want to be pestering him and I want to trust him.

The pressure cycle really peaked a few days ago. He texted me all day saying he was in the mood for sex, I didn’t over respond too much but showed interest, but after we went to the gym, he was too tired and achy and went straight to sleep. We did have sex the next morning, but I had a suspicion that he only did it because he felt he owed it to me.

I think this was true because yesterday, he randomly called me out on it, saying he thought I was pissed off that nothing happened the night before.

To be honest, deep down I was a little let down because it had been built up all day, but I told him I understood he was tired. I genuinely don't want to pressure him, but the more rejected I feel, the more it affects my self-confidence.

Without sounding big-headed, I know I am attractive and I get a lot of (unwanted) attention from men, yet I keep taking his ED personally. I am also far more physically fit than him, a healthy body weight and go to the gym more often. He then told me I should get a PT session because he’s seen me in the gym and he thinks my form isn’t good, and I need to vary my exercises.

We woke up early this morning and I knew sex wasn’t on the menu, as he wasn’t aroused when I hugged him, kept saying he was very achy from the gym and chatting away about the weekend so instead of waiting, I got up and got dressed. He then told me how attractive I looked dressed for work.

Right now, I feel like our physical relationship is entirely on his terms, and I have to just wait around for him to be in the mood. I've become unsure of how to act, I hesitate to hug him, be flirty, or initiate anything because I'm worried about making him feel pressured and it’s making my insecurities run wild.

We can talk openly about it but I don’t want to keep bringing it up, and I am trying to mentally detach because everything else about us is so good, but I have a nagging bad feeling about our future. I want to trust his honesty, but I have a few trains of thought and unsure if it’s just a combination of them all:

1. The ED is a combination of age, fatigue, and health, and it might not just get better.
2. He wants to see me as a sexual partner, but he doesn’t deep down, and isn’t ready to admit this because he loves me otherwise
3. he took me off the market to boost his ego about having an attractive girlfriend and now doesn’t need to try because he’s got me but he’s threatened by my attractiveness, so is bringing my confidence down
4. He finds my ‘desperation’ and desire to have sex with him unattractive and pressurising

Am I facing a choice between learning to live with this or walking away? How do I stop taking this personally, and how can we rebuild intimacy without all this pressure? How long should I wait? I really don’t think it should be this complicated.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you, @PseudoBadger, for kicking off this long, long series of Archers threads.

All views on The Archers welcome here! New blood welcomed, and of course we are always delighted to welcome back former or occasional listeners/posters. We don't all agree on all points, although we do mostly try to be civil about it. Most of us are posting tongue in cheek a lot of the time, so don't worry about revealing that you think working as a hotel receptionist is a perfectly reasonable career choice for a graduate from a family with a stately home, or other unusual views.

Spoilers: not on this thread, please! We don't wait for the omnibus to discuss the weeknight episodes, but we do try our best to avoid cross-contamination from https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/radio_addicts/4636789-the-archers-spoilers-thread-12-cant-wait-for-702pm-join-us-here, where spoilers are positively welcomed!

For newer listeners, lurkers or those who just have no idea what we're talking about, @DadDadDad has created this useful thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/radio_addicts/3557323-For-Archers-fans-a-guide-to-acronyms-on-the-long-running-discussion-threads-and-any-other-meta-thread-questions-you-may-have - BOOP point for him! (See thread for explanation.)

Over to you!

Looking for advice, aware there was a post made for April Fools 2 years ago! However this one is genuine.
I have lived in a ground floor flat for 5 years, which has an enclosed walled patio garden. I love the garden and it’s a little haven in the middle of the city. I have enjoyed planting and growing varieties of cut flowers.
I have neighbour next door who has a very similar set up to me, enclosed walled garden and she too enjoys her garden in the same way I do.
Neighbour took on a stray cat approximately a year ago, the cat roams locally to where we live (particularly the abandoned building next door). I too have a cat, he was also a stray, he does not roam and is very much a homebody. He is territorial over the garden and will chase away any other cats who may consider coming in.
My neighbour has become slightly overbearing, in what I should and shouldn’t be putting in my garden. This includes slug killer (pet safe version), coffee grounds, and weed killer. I have always kept her informed when I have used it which gives her the choice of keeping her cat inside if she wishes. Previously she has stopped maintenance workers from weeding areas in the car park as they were using weed killer, went as far as to write a note on the weed killer solution when they went on break naming it ‘cat killer’.
My issue now, I mentioned I went looking for tulip bulbs over text, and she replied with a screenshot of information of tulip toxicity and the complications they can cause to cats if ingested, particularly the bulbs.
My cat has zero interest in my plants (he much prefers sunbathing). I have grown daffodils and tulips for years with cats and had zero issues. I know that this is simply to safeguard her cat however I’m feeling that this is beyond controlling and passive aggressive and her cat is not my responsibility. Her cat also free roams around the area so it doesn’t make any sense for her to be overly concerned about what’s in my garden.
Any advice on how to deal with this?

I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely worn down and I'm starting to question myself.
My husband and I have been together for years and we have three children. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice, reassurance, or to hear from people who've experienced something similar, but I feel like I can't keep living in this cycle.
A lot of this started/changed after we moved back from Canada during Covid. The decision to leave Canada was his. He didn't want the vaccine and there were changes to the rules around flying, so he decided we needed to come back to the UK with about three weeks' notice. He made lots of promises about how things would work here — he had a job lined up, we'd do this and that, we'd eventually buy a home once our Canadian home sold, etc. None of that really happened.
He refused some work because the wages weren't good enough, and being out of work meant we ended up using money from the sale of our Canadian home that was supposed to be our deposit. We subsequently lost the opportunity to buy a house we were renting that would have suited us, and we've ended up in a small terraced house that is now too small for our family.
He works part-time/ad hoc and doesn't contribute much financially. He says his ADHD makes full-time employment difficult and has only recently agreed to go through ADHD titration. He also has a drug problem, and money is spent on drugs despite him complaining that he doesn't have nice clothes, doesn't have enough money, etc. He won't engage with counselling for his mental health either.
There is also a claim relating to hearing loss from his time in the forces, and he talks about receiving the money and then leaving to "sort himself out." He's said many times that he needs to leave, that he'd rather be on his own in a house with a dog, etc. But then he comes back and everything seems to reset until the next explosion.
That's what I'm struggling with most: the cycle.
He gets frustrated, unloads everything onto me, calls me names, shouts, says he wants to leave, sometimes leaves the house in a rage, then comes back and becomes withdrawn/cold. Nothing gets resolved. Eventually things go back to normal and then it happens again.
Yesterday was particularly bad.
He told me that since we had children I've "just turned into a mam" and forgotten how to be a wife. He said he'd rather be on his own with a dog. He said he can't be a parent while he feels the way he does. When I asked him to stop discussing traumatic and negative things in front of our 8-year-old, he said something along the lines of "you can have this conversation to my coffin." When I asked him to lower his voice, he told me to keep away from him.
Then, as he was leaving the house in a rage, our 5-year-old appeared and he called him a "naughty little cunt."
And then he leaves/returns and it's almost as though I'm supposed to be the one who has done something wrong. He becomes cold and withdrawn and I find myself waiting for the next outburst.
The other huge issue is what he calls "intimacy." By intimacy, he means sex.
He believes the lack of sex is the main problem in our relationship and says I've never really wanted sex throughout our relationship. That simply isn't true. There have been periods when I absolutely did want him and enjoyed our sex life.
But how am I supposed to feel sexually attracted when I feel completely exhausted and resentful?
I'm financially supporting the family. I'm managing the house. I'm raising three children. I'm dealing with his inconsistent employment, his drug use, his moods and the consequences of decisions we've made. He doesn't regularly cook for me. He rarely does significant housework. He'll complain that he's hungry but won't cook for himself, let alone for the family. He does feed the children when he's responsible for them, but it's generally snacks, plain pasta, etc., and then he'll criticise me for things like giving them cereal.
I feel like I'm carrying everything and then being criticised by someone who isn't carrying the same load.
Even physical affection has become difficult. A kiss or cuddle doesn't feel like it can just be affection because it often turns into sexual touching or him dry humping me. So I avoid some affection because I know it will come with an expectation of sex.
He seems to think that because we're married, my lack of desire is something I should simply overcome because he needs sex to feel better.
But I feel like my body is reacting to the relationship I'm actually living in.
I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. And honestly, I feel like he's making me hate him.
I want him to hear my side without becoming angry or interrupting me. I've tried talking, but he'll walk away, say I'm "twittering on" or tell me he can't handle it. Yet I'm expected to sit and listen while he unloads all of his frustrations, and the children often hear it too.
I've even written everything down before so he could read it without interrupting me. He didn't respond at all.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next time he decides he's unhappy and wants to leave.
At the same time, I know he has ADHD, mental-health difficulties and a drug problem, and I don't want to completely dismiss the fact that he is struggling. I have supported him through so much.
But I'm starting to wonder where my responsibility ends.
Am I wrong to feel that the lack of intimacy is a consequence of everything that is happening rather than the cause?
Has anyone experienced this kind of cycle where one partner repeatedly says they want to leave, unloads all their anger, then comes back and acts as though nothing happened?
How do you deal with someone who wants you to hear everything they feel but becomes angry when you try to explain how their behaviour is affecting you?
And at what point do you stop trying to fix things and start accepting that the relationship itself is making you unhappy?
I'm not looking for people to simply tell me to leave. I genuinely want to hear from people who have been through something similar and what happened in the end, particularly where ADHD, addiction/substance use and resentment around sex were involved.

I’m can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes. I’m male 54 divorced 3 years ago , I’m seeing a woman 55, separated for 3 years after a 20+ year marriage, we have been seeing each other for almost 9 months now and everything is going fine, we date, stay over, I’ve met her kids etc all good, the only thing am I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not is the amount of sex we have, we don’t live together and don’t plan to right now
we probably stay over twice a week ( hers and mine), her expectations seem to be that we have as much sex as possible; when we go to bed and then during the night and again in the morning if possible - this is too much for me, I simply can’t “perform” and I feel like I’m being pressured ( and punished) if I can’t do it

the last few years of her marriage were sexless and I know she is hyper aware of that and somehow equates a good relationship with having almost constant sexual activity ( I don’t) -
I’m don’t really know what I’m asking here, but I feel her expectations around sex are somehow linked to her feelings of self worth, I know this sounds weird ( or not ) , but I’d like a bit less sex - to the point now where I’ve completed stopped initiation as I know I don’t need to!
so I suppose my question is around how do I explain this with out coming across as rejecting her

all advice welcome 🙏

I live in a 4 in a block. I'm top floor and my garden (private) is the one shown on the left of the photo, surrounded by the fence. Neighbour is beneath and the window shown is her bedroom window. Both fences are mine, previous owner paid for them and for them to be erected.

I get on well enough with downstairs neighbour however the issue is that every time I go out to the garden, she comes out and chats, for a good half hour. She's elderly and I get that she just wants to chat, I have no problem with a short chat now and then, but last time I was out there, I had a whole day free when DC was at their dads and so wanted to get cracking on the garden, she came out 5 separate times, 3 times to chat for ages and will sometimes stand watching me from her bedroom window, which is a little awkward.

I'm not sure if it would be unreaonable of me to heighten the fence a little to give me privacy? I don't want to completely block her light, just her view into my garden! I was thinking of popping a trellis on top, so that light still gets through. Maybe pop some climbing flowers on it. The taller fence that can be seen is 6ft tall, i was thinking of matching the trellis height to this. Local planning permission dictates 6ft 6 inches is the limit that you can have fences, so I don't think I would be breaking any local laws. I'm sure she will complain as she's quite fixed on how she thinks things should be, so I'm not sure if it's unreasonable of me to do this?

I've decided to treat myself, but I don't know where to start.

Firstly I don't know what else to call the kind of bag I'm after, hence "status" bag. I like Chanel, LV, which I know some fashionistas like to sneer at, so please, if that's you, respect that we all have different preferences.

I'm looking for a lovely every day bag, that I don't look stupid with on the school run etc. We live rurally, and didn't before, so all my Chanel and LV with chain straps etc would look majorly over done and I'd feel ridiculous wandering round town on casual shop with one. I do sometimes take my neverful but I'd like something much smaller. Slouchy and comfy as opposed to stiff leather.

What's a casual but still "status" bag that I could go for? I don't like massive gold logos etc like the GG Gucci bags, or the ones with big YSLs down the front. I would like it to be recognisable as branded, but from close up, not from across the street if you see what I mean.

Thank you.

Can anyone give us some ideas of how to split the accommodation costs of a shared uni house.

House, 4 bedrooms;
1 large bedroom with ensuite (20m sq)
1 large bedroom (20m sq)
2 bedrooms (10 m sq each)

Shared kitchen/ diner, garden, bathroom

Rent is £3466 a month

Some differences of opinion of how this should be split including biggest room paying double!

Any ideas?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? My youngest, 6yo, hates school swimming. She has a genuine fear of going into the pool at school, I think there is some sensory overload as she doesn't like the getting dressed part either. This causes a lot of anxiety at home the night before and in the morning of swimming. Can I refuse for her to go? She's at a private school. I'd be happy to take her swimming outside of school as we can manage that environment a lot better and she loves swimming on holidays and generally is ok with 1-1 lessons. I understand that they need to be able to swim 25m etc. We did some over the summer that were semi successful (she has some fear still of attempting things alone in the pool). I have 3 older kids so am all for building resilience but this is far more than that, she's genuinely afraid plus I think she get sensory overload. Thanks for any suggestions

I met a woman through a local hobby (fitness group) that I volunteer for. When she became pregnant she stopped training. We realised we live on the same street (six houses apart) and I began going swimming with her to help keep her fitness up. I don't love swimming but it was nice for the company and it meant we could share a (my) car.

She messaged after she had the baby but said no visitors. Then when baby was there months old she offered to call over so I could meet him. I was delighted, had a gift, made the place comfortable for them both. She called over and stayed four hours even thought I was feeding DC around her. I was expecting a much shorter visit and had to get firm explaining I needed to get DC ready for bed. She ate dinner and dessert too.

Then she suggested visiting again so I said yes but let's go for a walk this time with baby and stop at a coffee shop. Three times she has come then said no it's easier to just come in, I've no blanket, it's going to rain, my hip is sore. Every single time I have to ask her to leave after the visit drags on saying "I'm sorry I have things to do" repeatedly. The last time she firmly said she wouldn't as baby was sleeping and she couldn't disturb. Then when he woke up she started setting him up for feeding and I had to carry him to his carrier, open the door and walk them home.

I don't have time to sit and chat for hours. I understand she's lonely but we aren't close friends and she never actually asks me about myself or let's me talk so it doesn't even feel like a friendship developing. I feel like some sort of public service that's there to support her keep her spirits up while she can't exercise with us.

A few days ago was the final straw. She had messaged and instead of ignoring it (as she often turns up then regardless) I replied and said don't call over, I'm far too busy. She read the message. My DH then came upstairs and told me she was in the sitting room waiting for me.

I came down and quite bluntly said "I told you I was busy, so I don't know why you're here. I'll have to ask you to leave."

My DH was horrified and said to me afterwards he was very embarrassed that I would be so nasty. He walked her around with the baby and he's not off with me.

I hadn't really spoken to him about how much she was annoying me as I thought I just need to deal with it differently.

I don't know what I'm asking but I'm feeling shitty now.