Am I unreasonable to feel pressured by my partner’s expectations around sex?

[AppleAndBannans]

I’m can’t believe I’m writing this, but here goes. I’m male 54 divorced 3 years ago , I’m seeing a woman 55, separated for 3 years after a 20+ year marriage, we have been seeing each other for almost 9 months now and everything is going fine, we date, stay over, I’ve met her kids etc all good, the only thing am I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not is the amount of sex we have, we don’t live together and don’t plan to right now
we probably stay over twice a week ( hers and mine), her expectations seem to be that we have as much sex as possible; when we go to bed and then during the night and again in the morning if possible - this is too much for me, I simply can’t “perform” and I feel like I’m being pressured ( and punished) if I can’t do it

the last few years of her marriage were sexless and I know she is hyper aware of that and somehow equates a good relationship with having almost constant sexual activity ( I don’t) -
I’m don’t really know what I’m asking here, but I feel her expectations around sex are somehow linked to her feelings of self worth, I know this sounds weird ( or not ) , but I’d like a bit less sex - to the point now where I’ve completed stopped initiation as I know I don’t need to!
so I suppose my question is around how do I explain this with out coming across as rejecting her

all advice welcome 🙏

Tell her what you’re telling us. She probably thinks she has to have that much sex to keep the relationship and that if it doesn’t happen is because there’s something wrong/unworthy about her.

I was/am like that but if I’m told directly then I’m fine because I’m not concocting all these scenarios in my head.

I agree. Tell her what you’ve told us, but increase non sexual attention, so hugs, hand holding, telling her she’s gorgeous etc.

What do you mean about being punished if you can’t manage it? That sounds pretty concerning.

Best to talk to her about it.
Your sex drives might not be compatible.
So you need to find out if she’s doing this primarily because she thinks it is what it takes to keep you interested/ in the honeymoon stage … or if this much sex is a relationship requirement, in which case she may be happier with someone else, as may you.

When you say sex some may think it is penetrative sex, it dosnt have to be like that, take oral sex for instance, or toys or your partner masturbating with you. There are so many aspects to sex have you or are you exploring those?
Maybe there should be some light hearted talk around whats turns each of you on and maybe then you would not be under so much pressure to perform.

It sounds like she has a high libido and you have a low libido. That is never a good match especially if the man has is the low libido partner. Just let her go so she can find someone who is more suitable for her.

What do you mean about feeling punished if you don’t have sex? That’s concerning.

You’re going to have to talk honestly to your partner about how you feel.

three times a night sex in your fifties, even in a new relationship, is a lot…

I’d ask why she wants sex so much? sounds like she’s trying to catch up for lost time? But you also have to want sex!

id focus on making sure she feels loved in ways that don’t involve sex - compliments. Non-sexual touching, etc.

But your feelings are importantly too. Tell her how you feel: under pressure to perform, and it’s offputting. Good luck!

Not literally punished - but more guilt tripped for not having the amount of sex that she thinks we should be

I agree with this and have used toys and fingers a lot as an alternative to PIV , but ultimately she seems to like penetrative intercourse

I think it’s a bit strong for PP to say OP has a low libido because he doesn’t want sex before during and after sleep! If the roles were reversed we would be telling the OP their partner was a sex pest!!

I agree you need to talk about it. It might feel awkward but there’s no future in this relationship if you can’t be completely open about your feelings on this.

Good luck!

Maybe this is why she’s divorced? Have you met or spoken to her ex? How does she define ‘sexless’?

If you’re having more sex than you want, thats getting into abuse territory and it can screw things up for the long term for you. What happens if you just say no?

Id certainly be extremely cautious about moving in with her.

Thank you- we do a lot non sexual touching- but with her marriage being sexless for a lot of years I do wonder about the making up for lost time element of this

Have you told her how men change as they get older?

I don’t think not wanting sex at bed time, middle of the night and again in the morning constitutes a low libido.
your idea of a low libido might be a bit extreme. Pretty sure for most people, wanting sex 2-3 x a week would constitute a fairly normal libido. Especially in our 50s

Again I agree with others you need a really honest conversation. State it much as you have in your OP, explain how it is making you feel. If she is insistent then you’re allowed to acknowledge this relationship isn’t for you and that there is a mismatch of libido. Good luck, she may well feel it is what she has to do or may be revelling in having someone who wants sex but not realised you’re finding it too much and if you’ve stopped initiating she might be panicking as well and thinking you don’t find her attractive. So a good, open and honest talk is needed.

During the night would piss me off. Doesn’t that disturb your sleep?
I do think you need to come clean about just not having the the desire as much, and also finding it difficult to constantly perform. It’s verging on sexual harassment.

Oh yes - 👍🏼

Thank you- we have had several discussions about sex and what works and we are both on the same page there- I have said a few times that I don’t need it all the time- but at the same time I don’t want her feeling rejected ( I have read quite a few threads on the forum from women on this forum who feel rejected and I don’t want that either)

she openly admits to me that she likes having sex ( with me hopefully) but it’s just this balance that seems a bit off right now ( for me)

There are dildos available with suction cups which are good for solo shower play, that could be an option.
Not everones thing but are good fun if needing some solo play

In what ways do men change as they get older, if you don’t mind me asking?

How old are the children? I’d be a bit concerned about them hearing all this activity going 3 times a night

https://www.bupa.co.uk/newsroom/ourviews/sexual-health-ageing-men

Testosterone levels start to drop so that affects libido and physically things become less and less reliable as part of the natural aging process.

Thank you. It’s hard to get a good idea of what is normal. Some men just won’t talk about it
Sorry for the derail OP.

The most concerning aspect is the guilt tripping. I wouldn’t tolerate that from a man and I don’t think it’s different here. It’s also vaguely manipulative.

Yes as pp posted. OP’s new girlfriend might expect sex on a par of the beginning of her new relationship 20 years ago with a man in his 30s. Older men need a breather physically, all different obviously but generally wouldn’t be able to have sex lots of times a day.

Not wanting to have sex literally morning noon and night isn't 'low libido'.