Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

It sounds like you overreacted and were rather unpleasant.

At this point HR will simply be looking to hear your side of the story. What you've done is fairly minor though and I would expect them to be try to figure out a way to help everyone move forward from an uncomfortable situation.

To prepare write down a note of everything that happened and any points you want to make so that you don't forget.

your account sounds like an incident where you turn it around and point out you responded appropriately and they need to go deal with the original offending colleague.

I am an employment lawyer. The chances that this will be anything more than a verbal warning are relatively low. It's not about the question, it's about how you interacted with a colleague. It sounds like your tone and behaviour was potentially disproportionate and unnecessarily confrontational. The fact that it was after work is neither here nor there. It's connected to work.

I suspect you'll just be told to be mindful of interactions with colleagues and that everyone has to work together. I suspect he will be told that he should be careful about asking personal questions.

His question was intrusive , but your reaction was aggressive and way over the top.
HR will want to know details, and probably give both of you a lecture on acceptable social behaviour

@Calasa I'm aware it doesn't matter that it was after work - I just wanted to add that to clarify why everyone was drinking 😂

To be fair OP I think the “oh you know, reasons” does sort of invite further questions, I’m not sure the “seeing red” is really warranted here.

What’s with the people overreacting threads today.

I can't believe the little shit made a complaint about you over that

I did overreact and I really regret that. I wish I'd just replied "It's an inappropriate question that I'm not answering".

But I'm pretty sick of being asked the question to be honest. And it's always the same type of person at work who feels its OK to ask.

My thoughts exactly.

Why didn’t you just say ‘ I don’t fancy a drink’ ?

Sound ridiculous OP, sorry you're presumably having to deal with the stress of this.

I'd have been bloody annoyed OP, is nosy colleague being talked tony HR?

I'd does sound like you overreacted but they sound tone deaf.

Could one of the other colleagues have made a complaint about this man and mentioned you. So HR just want to ask you what was said?

Very, very petty of him to complain to HR.
Just tell HR you felt a bit harassed by the intrusive question - I mean, how dim is this man? There are some extremely obvious reasons why a woman may not be drinking, that she might not want to talk about. Although, most people just say "antibiotics" and leave it at that.

The colleague wanted to engage in banter, you didn't want to banter and gave a polite reply, he pushed, you pushed back. It was work, not the pub. Had it been the pub, presumably you would have been more forthright presumably - as it is, you tempered yourself.

That's it, and that's what I would be telling HR. There's nothing unprofessional about that, unless you swore or were aggressive verbally or with body language or tone. Were you? If not, this is a man not getting what he wanted and expected from a woman, leaving him humiliated in front of other people. In which chase it should be him running to HR.

christ! Cant people have a minor disagreement without HR getting involved? Sounds like school playground

@canklesmctacotits
If not, this is a man not getting what he wanted and expected from a woman, leaving him humiliated in front of other people. In which chase it should be him running to HR.

That sums up what I suspect has happened so well, thank you.

I'm not sure. It's possible.

My line manager said "Unprofessional behaviour" in a general sense rather than "Your unprofessional behaviour".

I agree.

Why does everyone assume it's the guy who complained? It could have been someone else who witnessed it and complained about how he spoke to you.

Why must people involve HR is matters grown-ups should be able to sort out themselves? It's as if they are running to mummy! A bit of a wimp (him).

I hope your meeting with HR is brief, and that closes this down. Your posts here sound very genuine. You've admitted you over-reacted and you are contrite.

I didn't swear. I didn't raise my voice. I wasn't abusive. I wasn't aggressive.

I was 'forthright' in my stance and body language. I stood with my feet apart, shoulders squared, I made and maintained full eye contact, I didn't smile.

I spoke slowly and patronisingly.

I would make clear to HR that you were responding to a persistent inappropriate question. Sounds like there was fault on both sides but I don’t think it’s fair if this goes on your record and not on his.

I genuinely cannot see why he went to HR. Surely he'd be embarrassed that you took such strong offence to what he said. So he should've apologized to you. Or just avoided you in future. Not run to HR?

But equally I think you probably could be done without reacting the way you did. But you were clearly upset.