Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

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You dont have to love her, she's not your child. But is there any kind of bond at all? Do you do anything just the two of you? Do you have any hobbies or interests in common? She'll be grown up soon enough and maybe you could see these two years as a period for strengthening the relationship. Even in the absence of parental love, any kind of bond you can develop with her will go a long way to making you feel less miserable.

Move out and get divorced.

I do feel for you OP - suddenly becoming a full time step mum to a teenager isn't easy.

How old is she? She should gradually get more and more independent. Most teenagers spend a lot of time either out or in their room!

Can you think of ways to reclaim some of what you are missing? Eg you mention weekends away. You could do those solo or with a friend while she's too young to be left.

Try to ignore the mess - this is not something to focus on unless it's extreme - but rudeness shouldn't be acceptable.

You are doing your best for her OP - it's just hard. Maybe some therapy to talk through your feelings?

You need to leave. Her mum died and now her step mum is acting like she's from Cinderella. Don't you feel any compassion for her?

How old is she, and how long since she moved in with you?

Does your husband challenge/discipline her when she's rude?

Could you stay married but live apart?

That poor girl. You are setting her up for a lifetime of issues. Her sense of worth and well being are being formed right now, and you are setting her up for a lifetime of issues. That’s far more important than your chill time on the sofa. She has no where else to go. Poor poor child.

This sounds like a really tough situation I’m so sorry.

You need to stop putting yourself down and saying that your step daughter deserves better. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can given the circumstances. I’m sure never in a million years did you imagine she’d be living with you full time on top of the trauma of her losing her mum. This alone must be a lot for her to deal with and be adding to her behaviour and actions.

How old is she? Do you think you can hold on for a few years until she leaves for uni? It may feel like your life will never go back to the way it was but once she’s late teens she’ll be more independent and before you know it she’ll be moved out.

Make sure you’re taking time out of the house to decompress. Meet friends and family, go for a coffee and read a book, whatever you like. Just because she’s living there doesn’t mean you all have to be together all the time.

Offer to do things just you and her. A cinema trip, going to get your nails done etc and also take time to do things as a three.

All three of your works have been turned upside down and it will take some time to settle into your new normal.

Has DSD been offered therapy for losing her mum?

That sounds really hard. I'm not surprised you're struggling. How old is she? We can help find ways you can have a bit of independence until she's moving out.

You do not have to love her. She is not your child. But her father absolutely must 100% put her needs first above yours. She is a child who has lost her mother. If you cannot love her you need to divorce and let the two of them focus on healing that terrible wound without you.

She’s two years off university, so she’s around the 16 mark.

God I feel for you OP I really do. Obviously it’s awful for her too, I hope she doesn’t know she’s making you that unhappy.

Is there any common ground at all between you? Like TV shows? Shopping? A restaurant? I would start ultra small and just try and find something small to bond over.

I am not a step parent but I am a parent, which I find very hard at times, so I can well imagine how difficult it would be if I didn't have the parental bond that I have. Worse still that you wanted children and were unable, so now you have all the downsides and none of the upsides, so to speak.

Unfortunately, however difficult this is for you, this child didn't ask for this situation and has lost her mother; she needs her Father.

Could you move out but continue the relationship? Inevitably would need to spend less time with your husband as he will need to be there for his child but this is not forever. Or could you move to a property that gives you more privacy? A separate living space perhaps?

It does sound like your relationship with this girl is going to magically get better so I would work on removing yourself from her life but retaining your relationship with her Father if possible.

Both these points are very important…
there’s a differenc if she’s 5, 15 or 25
As for discipline…it must be very difficult to discipline a daughter who hasn’t really lived with their father until now
I havnt any solutions to the poster’s predicament….but I know I couldn’t cope!

Would you consider moving out for a bit? Sounds hard on you but at the end of the day her mum has died so her dad needs to prioritise her - doesn’t matter if she’s 5 or 15 imo. Your mother dying is probably one of the worst things that happens to you, and I remember my own mum (who was 63 when my nan died) was devastated so it’s a million times worse for a child.

I think maybe living separately and carrying on your relationship like that for a bit would be a good option. I don’t think you need to divorce but I think you would benefit from your own space and so would your step daughter.

She’s 16 then, well at 16 she can be left alone so you and your husband can go out in the evening, perhaps not overnight just yet but soon, 16 is when parenting gets easier I found. I have stepdaughters and one came to live with us with 24 hours notice, bit older but still disruptive to the house, it did get better

I really don’t understand how time and time again we see women who marry men with children but just do expect that those men would ever need to be fathers.

If your life is so awful because your DH has to raise his daughter then surely leaving is your only option?

I can’t see what else you would expect to help?

I wonder if thinking about it from an adoption perspective might help a little, though obviously you didn’t choose the situation and she’s older.

When my kids were first placed I was shocked at how much I needed to mourn my childfree life. It’s a huge change even when wanted and planned, much more so when circumstances dictate. Suddenly you can’t do your own thing and you have a child who needs to come first, and you don’t have a love bond immediately with them. You’re parenting from a standing start a child who is also experiencing huge loss and change, who also had no choice. It’s a lot for anyone to cope with and it’s not selfish to recognise it’s not what you planned.

Things that helped we’re trying to keep bits of “old me”, so making sure I saw friends, had time to do things I enjoy, child free holidays/breaks with friends. Actively looking for ways to connect - you’re building a new relationship even if there was some level of relationship before she lived with you, so where can you start with that.

Even with birth children keeping connection in the teen years can be very tough, I think knowing that can help you try, even though you might not feel confident that you know what you’re doing.

I also think holding her in mind, the massive loss she’s suffered, her complete lack of choice and control at a difficult life stage, her adjustment to different people, new unspoken rules, new environment, school, friends. I think finding compassion - that you would naturally feel for anyone in her position - can get you through a lot.

Ultimately you need to decide whether you can work your way through, whether you want to be a parental figure in her life. If you really don’t, you need to separate, if you think you do then you need to work on yourself and with her. Love can grow, but you need to want to love her.

I really don’t understand how time and time again we see women who marry men with children but just do expect that those men would ever need to be fathers.

Because mothers thankfully don't die very often, so the situation described here is unusual

Yeah I would advise the same.

But that assumes mother as default parent, a child could reasonably move to live with their dad at any stage and for any reason. Surely if you go into a relationship with someone that has a child you need to give real consideration to you partner actually needing to parent that child.

You say you lost the life you love

This poor child has lost her mother, right when she needs that female influence the most.

I lost my mum at 33 and it was the hardest thing I've had to deal with, I cannot imagine trying to deal with that at 16

Show some compassion, deary me :(

Oh, do calm down. Yes, the girl's needs are important. But so are OP's, and she's more than entitled to be pissed off at her stepdaughter's rude and selfish behaviour. Provided OP's polite and pleasant to her (though it sounds like she doesn't deserve it some of the time), she isn't going to be mentally scarred by OP's life not revolving around her.

It’s not about the mother dying, it’s about the fact that a man will always be a father.
Liking the fact that he only sees his children once a month or whatever and thinking he will never need to play an active role in his responsibilities as a father is crazy.

To everyone who is giving this poster a hard time, nothing she has said has suggested she’s being unfair or cruel or dismissive of this young person. On the contrary, she is being sensitive and is very aware of the teen’s needs.

I very much sympathise with you OP - it is so hard to feel uncomfortable in your own home. This is time limited so what you need to do is get through it, not out of it. Develop interests outside the home - could you afford to rent or buy a little country cabin or static caravan as a bolt hole for a couple of years? I had a shed on my allotment. A deck chair, a book and a flask of coffee. Inside the shed if it rained, outside if not. Life saver. I adore my now adult stepchild but it was so hard in our small house when we all lived together for a few years. Stepchild was no harder than my own children had been as teens but I couldn’t be a grumpy mum to DSC because I didn’t want them to ever feel unwelcome. Lots of walking on eggshells and biting my lip.

Teens are very tough but focus on the short time they are teens for and before you know it, you’ll be out the other side with a lovely young woman as part of your extended family.