DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

Well you need to start keeping better track of things, so you know someone is taking things.

It appears you can't be sure, something has gone missing and you can't be sure it is actually her.

You are using terms like 'gas lighting' , which is a term to describe a type of abuse. You are saying she is abusing you. But you don't actually have any proof or facts about what you are accusing her of.

You need to set a "trap", horrible but true!

Don't think you're an awful parent, you're trying to sort things out!

You need a lock box. It’s clear money has been taken, evidence probably does point to dd17 but equally could be one of the other 2 but far better to move the temptation.

Sorry, but you protect yourself, your fags and money by making them inaccessible. You know it’s her, she knows it”s her (or is it her bf?), of course she’s defensive. Don’t leave temptation in their way. I could tell you exactly how many cigarettes I had left cos I’d be worried I’d need to go to the shop to get more if I were down to a couple/one.

Keep money in a safe, locked place. Better still, a bank account.

Why her and not the 18yr old or the 9yr old?

As the others have said you need to sort some stuff out so this kind of thing can’t happen anymore.
You can’t prove this so you might have to let this one go but you need better systems in place so she can’t steal from you.

@Whiskycav

Well you need to start keeping better track of things, so you know someone is taking things.

It appears you can't be sure, something has gone missing and you can't be sure it is actually her.

You are using terms like 'gas lighting' , which is a term to describe a type of abuse. You are saying she is abusing you. But you don't actually have any proof or facts about what you are accusing her of.

So I’m using ‘gaslighting’ because that’s what it feels like.

She asked me to lend her a quid the other day and I said no because it was for a can of Monster ffs. Later that afternoon she strolled in with a can and a kebab. Oh my mate paid. Ok but then where’s the fiver I got last night? Yeah you must have put it somewhere else.

There’s a chance I did put it somewhere else but I don’t think I did, there’s no reason I would have, and now I can’t trust my own judgement because I’m either flat out calling her a liar or my memory has gone to shit.

@Wingedharpy

Why her and not the 18yr old or the 9yr old?

Circumstance, mainly. And also the 18yo has his own money and the 9yo wouldn’t have any opportunity to spend it. But your question is exactly my point. I feel like a mega cunt thinking it’s her in the face of her denials, despite all the evidence saying it is.

@Wingedharpy

Presumably there’s a backstory with the 17 year old and the op feels she is the most likely culprit. Not rocket science.

I'd get a lock for my bedroom door, tbh, and put everything in there. It's horrible that she's doing this and even worse that she's lying about it.

Yeah I’d get a locked cash box and put your money in that. And keep your fags on you.

Right, but you are admitting you don't know if things are going missing. And you don't know its her. It very well could be.

But, just imagine, for a second it turns out you are wrong? It's not her. You keep accusing her and it turns out it's another child in the house. Or you are wrong and it's not going missing. You are misplacing it.

But in your head you jumped to it being her and her abusing you. Rather than, she is lying to cover up her misdeeds. Gas lighting is done with a specific intention.

Obviously not all is well between the 2 of you. But the first thing you need to do, is keep better track to establish IF things are going missing then try and prove its her. Or start locking everything away.

As I said, it's very well might be. But on get off chance it's not you are risking causing more issues in your relationship with her by just accusing her constantly.

@BelleClapper

I worked with a woman once whose daughter did something similar. They had a ceramic pot that was packed to the gunnels
with money and the daughter bought an identical one from the internet and smashed the one with the money in it.

As far as I know there was hundreds of pounds in it because there were lots of 20s and 10s notes.

Anyway, people are capable of anything

Get a lockable cash box. Keep the keys hidden. If anyone asks why say 'I'm afraid some money might have gone missing but I can't say for sure, or who it was, so I've written that off but there will be no more stealing from me otherwise I'll call the police.'
Tell them you might well help them financially if you can, and if you're asked nicely, but you do expect them to try to get jobs. And no more nicking!

@Whiskycav

Right, but you are admitting you don't know if things are going missing. And you don't know its her. It very well could be.

But, just imagine, for a second it turns out you are wrong? It's not her. You keep accusing her and it turns out it's another child in the house. Or you are wrong and it's not going missing. You are misplacing it.

But in your head you jumped to it being her and her abusing you. Rather than, she is lying to cover up her misdeeds. Gas lighting is done with a specific intention.

Obviously not all is well between the 2 of you. But the first thing you need to do, is keep better track to establish IF things are going missing then try and prove its her. Or start locking everything away.

As I said, it's very well might be. But on get off chance it's not you are risking causing more issues in your relationship with her by just accusing her constantly.

Literally my point.

Get a safe and keep your money/cigs/valuables in there. Hide your purse and cards there too. Or one of those ‘Nanny cam’ things?

I don’t accuse her constantly. I gently enquired as to the whereabouts of my recently purchased cigarettes and got told I was mental for thinking she’d take them.

And when I queried the fiver I got the other night that I put on my nightstand, I got blank faces from everyone and a furious How Very Dare You from DD. But I’m really not going around throwing cash into dark corners and then blaming her.

I think I'd set a trap but I feel awful saying that. Mine aren't teenagers, they're primary age and I know it's easy to think the wrong thing of older children, but I really don't know any other way of getting through to her that she's been lying and it's not ok.

UV marker would be my tactic.

I’m sorry, this situation sucks from both sides- if it’s not her.

Keep close control of your cash, lock box, in a safe, wallet always with you, hidden, whatever it takes. Keep a written note (also hidden) of exactly what cash you have in the house and what you spend.

Think that’s the only way you’ll know when and probably who.

Keep a tally on your phone of what money is in the box.

I am sorry, I am not following.

What's literally your point? That there's a difference between a teenager lying and gaslighting?

Or that you can't accuse people of stealing if you don't know if somethings going missing?

Or that you need to start tracking your things better.

Fwiw, I can see where you are coming from. But, if it is her. You are playing straight into her hands.

Pop a note in your phone every time you count or add money on the jar.

@Whiskycav

I am sorry, I am not following.

What's literally your point? That there's a difference between a teenager lying and gaslighting?

Or that you can't accuse people of stealing if you don't know if somethings going missing?

Or that you need to start tracking your things better.

Fwiw, I can see where you are coming from. But, if it is her. You are playing straight into her hands.

It’s literally my point that I don’t know whether shes having away with my stuff and lying or I’m assuming she is. My whole dilemma is how to deal with that conundrum. I’m not constantly accusing her. That’s basically the fundamental basis of my thread.

Start locking your bedroom door. Without saying anything.