DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

[MyMabel]

The. Start parenting her while she’s under your roof.

No more days, shes 17, not old enough to smoke, you don’t want to contribute to the heart disease, lung cancer and yellow teeth your giving her anyway I’m assuming, cut them out. She wants them? She can wait until she 18, more mature attitude to work hard, earn money and buy them herself if she wants to by then. Good way to get her to try and quit at least. (I’ve been a smoker, I know how hard it is)

She’s sounds hugely immature, or spoilt. Money need to be put up where she can’t find it and you need to start using the word ‘no’ more often.

At 17 she should be at least trying to find her own lifestyle.

You haven’t described her as a very nice person at all, I would work on making her into a half decent human being who does steal, gaslight, lie and isn’t lazy.

[MyMabel]

Days was meant to be fags 🤕

[MyMabel]

Find, also meant to say fund: not doing so well on this bloody iphone today.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Proof doesn't make a difference anyway, neither does being generous with fags/money.
Proof would still have mine denying, or just saying, "so what, I wanted it", or the fight or flight reaction which caused further problems.
It's so easy to parent them when they aren't yours.
My harsh line got me my daughter back.

[BelleClapper]

I’m not sure I would have given her any fags tbh, but I was just making the point that I’m not stingy with my stuff, or my time, or anything like that.

We’ve kind of said no more handouts until she gets a job but I’m the one out of me and Dh who is much more likely to sidehand her a tenner here and there. Which is why it stings when she takes my tips. I do say no for stupid things but I want her to have some kind of life so let her have money for socialising.

I just feel lost with her right now. I’m a bit broken by it all.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

She also gave up smoking for vaping, though does cadge a fag the odd time, but I can live with that!

[BelleClapper]

I gave up all through lockdown but was back at work for a week…

[IHaveBrilloHair]

You're an adult, you're allowed to, she shouldn't be helping herself,but you know that.
I had hiding places all over the house, weirdly still do, even though it's just me and has been for two years.
I'm an expert if you want suggestions though!