Page 2 | DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

Lorw · 24/07/2021 23:43

OP you need to lock your bedroom door or get a lockbox, no need to accuse anyone just keep all valuables/money/cigs away from everyone. Problem sorted.

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StormBaby · 24/07/2021 23:47

You need to be better organised. She’s not exactly going to admit it!
I have to hide anything of value when my stepdaughter is here, which is 40% of the time so not much fun for me. All toiletries, art supplies, jewellery, makeup, money, I have to put away or it’ll be gone.

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BelleClapper · 24/07/2021 23:50

I appreciate the advice re locking my bedroom, I really do, so don’t think I’m being flippant. But no. That’s nuts. I want to know how to get it through to her that my stuff is not her stuff

I know she takes my hair straighteners, makeup, scissors, nail files etc. So it’s not a huge leap to think she is taking the cash/fags. I want to know tactics to get it through to her, a lock won’t do that.

And I know from history that telling her she’s taking stuff, and to not do that, doesn’t work. I don’t want to live in a fortress.

OP posts:

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DonnaDonna01 · 24/07/2021 23:56

Until you know exactly what you have in the way of money, cigarettes or whatever else you think she might steal then you can’t do anything. You need to be able to say - “there was £100 in the jar, now there’s £70” or “I had 10 cigarettes now there’s 5” If your not dealing in facts and your absolutely positive then you can’t do much.

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JulieChastened · 25/07/2021 00:01

The main problem here is not that your DD is a thief. Once she earns a full-time wage, she'll be much less likely to help herself to small amounts of cash, or she'll be able to move out on good terms with you and rent her own place.

Until then, leaving visible piles of uncounted money around unguarded is just encouraging her to steal. She's obviously struggling financially if she's borrowing from friends - how does she intend to pay them back? How many cigs does she smoke a day - and how will she pay for them? Talk to her about her plans for the future, start saving yourself to help her with a deposit, and if you can afford it, give her an allowance, however small, or the opportunity to earn some pocket money.

Don't threaten, don't accuse, don't set cunning traps, just lock your cash away (and not in an easily-portable box!) Guard the other kids' money too, and keep an eye on small things like jewellery and computer games, which are easily sold to her mates for a fraction of their value.

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DoorMatCat · 25/07/2021 00:05

So it's not just money but a whole host of other items too!

I'm so not surprised by this revelation. This happens in our house too.

The culprit just thinks they are beyond the rest of us mere mortals. They have a god given right to take/access what ever the fuck they like. They do not owe us an explanation. We are beneath them. It can be food, drinks, treats, money, clothes, a multitude of other household items.

It think (hesitate to say) it's a form of psychopathy. Or at least strong egocentricity. Perhaps it's a phase. Perhaps it's a long term personality trait. You have my sympathy. Even if you lay a trap and prove your suspicions, you'll almost certainly be treated to: "so, what", "and", "do I look like I give a fuck?", "get over it!" Etc

Best wishes. I hope it doesn't escalate.

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ArianaDumbledore · 25/07/2021 00:10

It sounds like it would fit the normal pattern of behaviour. As she's 17, I'd say you're on to a hiding to nothing to think there's a way to reason with her over boundaries and behaviour as nothing has got through so far.

Let's say you do set a trap and she does fall for it. What is the likely outcome? A calm chat or a barrage of deflection and blame?

I'm not suggesting she's destined to be like this forever(!) But when it's all so entrenched it probably will only be when she's moved out she can really reflect.

In the meantime I would lock-up your cash, grit your teeth and hopefully she'll find something to give her direction (work/education etc)

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Disscombobulated · 25/07/2021 00:17

Don't have much advise...... went through it with my kids, eventually it ends ... but just wanted to say; you rock... dropping the C bomb and having a fag, love it!

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Cornwallnewbie · 25/07/2021 00:22

She doesn’t have any income at all so thats the reason she’s taking stuff.

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Wingedharpy · 25/07/2021 00:27

When you say she takes your hair straighteners etc, do you mean she borrows these and doesn't put them back or she nicks them and sells them/throws them away and you never see them again?
There is a difference.

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PrettyLittleFlies · 25/07/2021 00:29

You have to hide stuff. It's the same when they start self harming, you have to hide knives, pills etc

So you hide your money and your cigarettes and anything else that might be tempting. Then a. you don't lose them and b. you can stop feeling as though you're going mad.

And yes it is gas lighting. Absolutely.

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PrettyLittleFlies · 25/07/2021 00:34

Also. Don't hope that she'll be truthful with you, she won't. And don't try to catch her in a lie, that'll end badly.

Just quietly lock away your possessions so she cannot steal from you.

Confrontation does not work with liars. Protect yourself and in time, and as she gains confidence (which will only happen when she finds meaning in her life) the negative behaviour will decrease.

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Unsuremover · 25/07/2021 00:35

I agree lock up your stuff which is a shit way to live but then you know whether it’s 40 or 140. And set some kind of trap because my colleague was in a very similar situation, money and items missing, teenager and boyfriend in the house on their own a lot. 2 + 2=4. Bf was banned from the house teenager kept on a tight lease. Stuff stil missing. My colleague was within a breathe of kicking her out. Turned out colleagues sister got caught shoplifting and turned out to be a kleptomaniac, all the stuff was in her house. I would never have believed it if I hadn’t followed the saga for 5 months and been there when her husband called and said the bil had called and didn’t know what to do.
That being said, more likely 2+2 still = 4.

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JustLyra · 25/07/2021 00:37

There’s a big difference between borrowing straighteners and make up and outright stealing cash.

If the boyfriend was with her, and is around your house often, then he should be on the list of suspects as well.

Tread carefully. My niece ended up staying with us for a while when she was repeatedly accused of stealing. Turned out it was her boyfriend and she had no idea so her outraged protestations were true.

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StillMedusa · 25/07/2021 00:40

Been there done that, got the t shirt.
My DS1 was the culprit. I was pretty sure it was him but had no proof. But money went missing, his sisters piggy banks got lighter, and eventually he progressed to removing money from my ceramic pig which had hundreds in it. He took it bit by bit, denied and denied.

I bought a passcode safe from Robert Dyas and eveyone's money and valuables went in there (he also stole things from us to sell) I didn't accuse any more.. pointless. I just locked everything away.
I did make it clear that I was doing it because I could no longer trust him.

It passed.. he got an evening job in Dominos and stopped stealing from us. Took a few more years before I trusted him but by 20 I could hand him my bank card safely!

But don't just ignore it..make it impossible.

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RightYesButNo · 25/07/2021 00:48

Get a nanny cam or ultraviolet detection power, leave a packet of fags and a five pound note on the table, record who took them or mark them with powder, and that’s it. Your answers are showing there’s no other solution; you don’t want to confront her without proof, you don’t want to lock anything up and live in a “fortress” (honestly, a lockbox for cash when you have three kids and tons of their friends trampling through is a bit wise, or just locking the bedroom door and I wouldn’t consider either one a fortress). Good luck; it does sound really stressful

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PurpleOkapi · 25/07/2021 00:51

There are too many other people in your house for you to just assume it's her. Just stop leaving money and cigarettes lying around where anyone can take them.

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QueenBee52 · 25/07/2021 00:55

Okay...

you are not going mad...

you are being gaslighted .. if you eliminate all the possibilities ... what remains has to be the truth ..

🌸

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OhNoNoNoNoNo · 25/07/2021 01:03

Can she do chores for money?

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Anordinarymum · 25/07/2021 01:04

@BelleClapper

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

If you are not giving your daughter any money then she's getting it from somewhere if she comes in with things,so if you leave money loose in the house it's your own fault OP.
This is war. She's gone rogue and does not care.

You remove any cash from the house, and you put your valuables where she can't get access to them because she will pawn them and she will not give a damn.
When she can't get access to money she will hide car keys, as an example to fuck you up.

You need to address the situation before it all blows up in your face and it will.
You have my sympathy. It's tough being a parent but when you are faced with a situation like this you have to get your hard hat on and wear the bloody thing.

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user1471457751 · 25/07/2021 01:06

You don't know for sure - it could well be the boyfriend.

But it could also be her. And given how you take money off her because she's doing an apprenticeship while you're also funding her brother at university, she might be doing it as she's pissed off at you.

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beigebrownblue · 25/07/2021 01:16

@BelleClapper

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

Your house is chaotic because you have chosen for it to be chaotic.

You put some money in a jar.

Why?

You have not set up appropriate boundaries.

And now you are complaining about the consequences?

I don't get it.

Not even a judgement

but if that is what you have chosen you shouldn't be surprised at the outcome,

Reset your boundaries.

Do that.

What's the problem with it?

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beigebrownblue · 25/07/2021 01:18

And it isn't 'gaslighting' there is no sign of this here.

You have made certain decisions and taken risks and you have the consequences.

Gaslighting is someone quite different.

Talk

AIBU?

DD gaslighting me/missing stuff