DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

[Tistheseason17]

I agree she should still have money left if she had £800 on the 4th July.

But, if she knows you will give her cash (£30) easily, she has not reason to think you won't bail her out at any time.

You need to start saying no.
You need to not leave cash or cigarettes lying around.
My sister did all of this and she was doing drugs - that's why she always needed cash. Not heavy drugs - but enough that she did not care about lying and stealing.

Until you cut her cash off she has no reason to change her behaviour - stop enabling it.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

She’s a teen who lives at home. I’ve had 3. Only one of them never ran out of money before the end of the month when they were learning to budget.

Dd is a young 20s and still has squeaky bum months where I bung her a pound or two (she’s literally just graduated).

[AdobeWanKenobi]

@Lougle

Your DS is earning £1400 and paying £150 including his phone, yet your DD was earning an apprenticeship wage and paying £250? No wonder she's disgruntled.

Come on @Lougle surely you get this.

The DD was being driven by her Mother for 2 hours a day, presumably 5 days a week at a cost of £100 a month:

£100 petrol for nearly two hours a day driving her there and back

By my reckonings that's a £5 a day charge, both ways. That wouldn't cover petrol I imagine let alone wear and tear on the car.
Please do tell us where the DD could get transport for an hours journey each way for less than £5 a day because in these parts its a £5 taxi flat fee before it's even left your house and bus fair isn't cheap either.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

Objectively it’s not I just looked at as an adult. But teenagers aren’t adults and it will give her a sense of injustice.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

If looked at.

I really should preview.

[Lougle]

@AdobeWanKenobi yes, I get that, but she's 17 years old. Parents are expected to assist their children and the OP was willing to assist her DS, with the intention of using money from her DD to pay him while he was at university. I can see why the DD was upset.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

Me too @Lougle to be honest. Teens don’t think in the way adults do

[BelleClapper]

DD wasn’t upset about paying her way btw. She’s never once expressed any negativity about it. My previous thread was about me managing any potential resentment.

In the end it was moot, she paid one month and then lost her job. I let her keep her whole last wage as it was £200 less than the previous month.

DS meanwhile has started work and will be supporting himself through Uni.

No one is upset. Apart from me when I ran out of fags 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Feedingthebirds1]

OP I get that you want her to be honest and trustworthy and not to have to lock things away. And maybe in the long term she will. But you also need a short term, like now, solution - and that's the lockable box, however much you dislike the idea. What's she going to do for money now that she's lost her job? (Through her own fault.) If it is her stealing, then she's going to get worse if she doesn't have any money.

[zingally]

You can't PROVE it was her this time (despite strong suspicions). But you CAN safeguard against it happening again, by hiding the money, being more aware of how much you have, locking it away, etc.

But hopefully this "near miss" on your DDs part this time, will give her a bit of the shock she needs.

[the80sweregreat]

Lock box, take a photo on your phone of any money you leave in a cup or drawer or whatever , set a trap for them as others have suggested?

[Anonymous48]

It sounds like your suspicions that it's your 17 year old taking money and cigarettes is probably right, but unless you know for sure I don't think it's fair to accuse her. You haven't mentioned your husband in all this? Could it be him taking them? My husband and I have separate finances but I'll take money from his wallet or that he's left lying around if I need cash, and vice versa. So it could be completely innocent.

If you want to be sure how much you have, you need to be better organized. Keep track of it, put your money in the bank, keep your cigarettes hidden.

I'm not sure what the issue with her borrowing your hair straighteners is. Isn't that totally normal?

Finally, at the age of 17 my kids were expected to be in some form of education. If for some reason that couldn't happen they would have been expected to be looking for a job. There are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there right now.

[BelleClapper]

No she’s had DHs loose change as well.

We’re just going to stop leaving things laying around.

The issue with my straighteners etc is that she has her own but prefers mine, and she leaves them on the floor in her messy bedroom to get stepped on. And she never returns anything she ‘borrows’. She does this with her brothers’ things as well, she’s a little magpie. It’s not something I go ballistic over, but it is annoying.

[BanditoShipman]

Your upbringing sounds really difficult op, sorry to hear it, made me really sad for you. I think therapy for you and dd, or you on your own could help?

Could you give her a set amount of money a week so she doesn’t always have to ask? Set tasks for it? Then she knows it’s coming. And yes, keep money out of sight so no temptation.

Another thing to remember though is most teenagers are pretty shit for a while, then they mature and go back to being lovely again… might take till she’s 25 odd though 😂

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

OP I think it sounds like you want to do your best for your daughter but you don't know where to start. Does your daughter know about your teenage years? Having a conversation about that might be a good opening point to talking about where you and her are now. Be sure to mention how much you love her. It is sometimes good to talk whilst driving in the car or going for a walk so you have a different activity going on at the same time so it's not too full on. Xxx

[Dontwatchfootball]

If you are having a light touch with her and ask her something, and she has a massive reaction, it is more likely that she has a guilty conscience. You need to start locking your stuff up (sorry, that is no way to live) but it is not likely this will get better. You are not a bad parent - sounds like she is a bit difficult.

[MyMabel]

Blink camera for £25 in curry’s or Amazon, alerts you when there’s movement and records and saves a 30 second clip to your phone. I use them in our house, mainly DD (18 months) room and the lounge for when I’m WFH with her here and need to take a call but keep an eye on her.

Don’t tell them obviously, place it strategically and catch them out. I bloody despise stealing.

[Feedingthebirds1]

And she never returns anything she ‘borrows’. She does this with her brothers’ things as well, she’s a little magpie. It’s not something I go ballistic over, but it is annoying.

Taking (not borrowing if she never returns them) her brothers' things is not on and you should go ballistic.

It's starting to sound like she thinks life should be handed to her on a plate without her having to do anything for it. She lost her college place and her apprenticeship because she did absolutely no work for them. She had you driving two hours a day to get her there and back but made no effort herself. And if she wants something she just helps herself to others' money and things.

This is a bigger issue than the missing money and fags. It's a much wider attitude problem. Bedroom door locks for your sons is your first step. They should be able to feel that that's their space which your daughter (a) isn't going to go into and (b) isn't going to take their possessions.

Although you got a lot of flack on your last thread, you actually seem to do a lot for her. I assume she won't be paying you anything for bed and board as she's not working?

It's time for some tough talking. Start with the things you find in her bedroom. She can't deny those - well she can try saying someone else put them there, but look her in the eye and say 'all of it?'. It sounds like you need to be a lot stronger in dealing with her, rather than describing her fondly as 'a little magpie'

[IHaveBrilloHair]

When I finally threw mine out, it was over "borrowing", a top, which was actually a cheapo black long sleeved t-shirt from Amazon.
It was the last straw after years of lying/stealing/violence/basically doing whatever she wanted.
Two years ago she told anyone that listened I threw her out over the top.
Now, she knows it wasn't that at all.
She's doing fantastically well, excelling at college, has a rented flat with her BF of four and a half years, they've just got engaged, he's three years into a Masters and we have a brilliant relationship.
It was a risky move on my part, but it paid off and she herself knows it.
Her BF was always wary of me as he'd only ever heard her side, he now knows and we get on great too, I'm their first call in a crisis, or a celebration.

It's not an easy thing to do OP but perhaps worth looking into if there's somewhere else for her to live?

Feel free to message if you like, you know me btw!

[BelleClapper]

@IHaveBrilloHair

When I finally threw mine out, it was over "borrowing", a top, which was actually a cheapo black long sleeved t-shirt from Amazon.
It was the last straw after years of lying/stealing/violence/basically doing whatever she wanted.
Two years ago she told anyone that listened I threw her out over the top.
Now, she knows it wasn't that at all.
She's doing fantastically well, excelling at college, has a rented flat with her BF of four and a half years, they've just got engaged, he's three years into a Masters and we have a brilliant relationship.
It was a risky move on my part, but it paid off and she herself knows it.
Her BF was always wary of me as he'd only ever heard her side, he now knows and we get on great too, I'm their first call in a crisis, or a celebration.

It's not an easy thing to do OP but perhaps worth looking into if there's somewhere else for her to live?

Feel free to message if you like, you know me btw!

Thanks mate x

I also really appreciate all comments, even the harsh ones (not so much the ones with reading comprehension failure…), it’s given me lots to think about.

[19lottie82]

Sounds like your DD is very troubled and lost.

Or maybe she just wants fags and money for junk food 😂

The problem is OP that you can’t prove it here as there are other people in the house.

[justasking111]

We have two dogs who occasionally have accidents at night, no idea which one most of the time. It's possible it's the nine year old

As for these nanny cam suggestions, that's just creepy

[TheCouncilDontHelp]

Nanny cam trap to see who it is. If not DD then apologise to her. If it was her tbf I wouldn't confront her it won't help.


Lock all Valuables away afterwards.

[BelleClapper]

Yeah I’m not getting a nanny cam. I know it’s her, she’s knows I know, I don’t want to spend the limited time I get with her but hung about it so I’ll just keep my cash etc hidden.

The stupid thing about the fags is that, although I wouldn’t be happy about giving them to her, mine is the communal fag packet at work. She could have just asked. It was the fact she left me short. Same with money, I’m not stingy with it (buying random cans of energy drinks aside), if she needs it for going out or dinner or whatever I will happily give her money. It was probably petty of me to refuse the £1 but she’d literally had £30 off me that morning. And she was being a cow all afternoon.

[BelleClapper]

But hung should have been ‘bitching’ thank you Autocunt.