DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

[IHaveBrilloHair]

You're an adult, you're allowed to, she shouldn't be helping herself,but you know that.
I had hiding places all over the house, weirdly still do, even though it's just me and has been for two years.
I'm an expert if you want suggestions though!

[BelleClapper]

I gave up all through lockdown but was back at work for a week…

[IHaveBrilloHair]

She also gave up smoking for vaping, though does cadge a fag the odd time, but I can live with that!

[BelleClapper]

I’m not sure I would have given her any fags tbh, but I was just making the point that I’m not stingy with my stuff, or my time, or anything like that.

We’ve kind of said no more handouts until she gets a job but I’m the one out of me and Dh who is much more likely to sidehand her a tenner here and there. Which is why it stings when she takes my tips. I do say no for stupid things but I want her to have some kind of life so let her have money for socialising.

I just feel lost with her right now. I’m a bit broken by it all.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Proof doesn't make a difference anyway, neither does being generous with fags/money.
Proof would still have mine denying, or just saying, "so what, I wanted it", or the fight or flight reaction which caused further problems.
It's so easy to parent them when they aren't yours.
My harsh line got me my daughter back.

[MyMabel]

Find, also meant to say fund: not doing so well on this bloody iphone today.

[MyMabel]

Days was meant to be fags 🤕

[MyMabel]

The. Start parenting her while she’s under your roof.

No more days, shes 17, not old enough to smoke, you don’t want to contribute to the heart disease, lung cancer and yellow teeth your giving her anyway I’m assuming, cut them out. She wants them? She can wait until she 18, more mature attitude to work hard, earn money and buy them herself if she wants to by then. Good way to get her to try and quit at least. (I’ve been a smoker, I know how hard it is)

She’s sounds hugely immature, or spoilt. Money need to be put up where she can’t find it and you need to start using the word ‘no’ more often.

At 17 she should be at least trying to find her own lifestyle.

You haven’t described her as a very nice person at all, I would work on making her into a half decent human being who does steal, gaslight, lie and isn’t lazy.

[BelleClapper]

But hung should have been ‘bitching’ thank you Autocunt.

[BelleClapper]

Yeah I’m not getting a nanny cam. I know it’s her, she’s knows I know, I don’t want to spend the limited time I get with her but hung about it so I’ll just keep my cash etc hidden.

The stupid thing about the fags is that, although I wouldn’t be happy about giving them to her, mine is the communal fag packet at work. She could have just asked. It was the fact she left me short. Same with money, I’m not stingy with it (buying random cans of energy drinks aside), if she needs it for going out or dinner or whatever I will happily give her money. It was probably petty of me to refuse the £1 but she’d literally had £30 off me that morning. And she was being a cow all afternoon.

[TheCouncilDontHelp]

Nanny cam trap to see who it is. If not DD then apologise to her. If it was her tbf I wouldn't confront her it won't help.


Lock all Valuables away afterwards.

[justasking111]

We have two dogs who occasionally have accidents at night, no idea which one most of the time. It's possible it's the nine year old

As for these nanny cam suggestions, that's just creepy

[19lottie82]

Sounds like your DD is very troubled and lost.

Or maybe she just wants fags and money for junk food 😂

The problem is OP that you can’t prove it here as there are other people in the house.

[BelleClapper]

@IHaveBrilloHair

When I finally threw mine out, it was over "borrowing", a top, which was actually a cheapo black long sleeved t-shirt from Amazon.
It was the last straw after years of lying/stealing/violence/basically doing whatever she wanted.
Two years ago she told anyone that listened I threw her out over the top.
Now, she knows it wasn't that at all.
She's doing fantastically well, excelling at college, has a rented flat with her BF of four and a half years, they've just got engaged, he's three years into a Masters and we have a brilliant relationship.
It was a risky move on my part, but it paid off and she herself knows it.
Her BF was always wary of me as he'd only ever heard her side, he now knows and we get on great too, I'm their first call in a crisis, or a celebration.

It's not an easy thing to do OP but perhaps worth looking into if there's somewhere else for her to live?

Feel free to message if you like, you know me btw!

Thanks mate x

I also really appreciate all comments, even the harsh ones (not so much the ones with reading comprehension failure…), it’s given me lots to think about.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

When I finally threw mine out, it was over "borrowing", a top, which was actually a cheapo black long sleeved t-shirt from Amazon.
It was the last straw after years of lying/stealing/violence/basically doing whatever she wanted.
Two years ago she told anyone that listened I threw her out over the top.
Now, she knows it wasn't that at all.
She's doing fantastically well, excelling at college, has a rented flat with her BF of four and a half years, they've just got engaged, he's three years into a Masters and we have a brilliant relationship.
It was a risky move on my part, but it paid off and she herself knows it.
Her BF was always wary of me as he'd only ever heard her side, he now knows and we get on great too, I'm their first call in a crisis, or a celebration.

It's not an easy thing to do OP but perhaps worth looking into if there's somewhere else for her to live?

Feel free to message if you like, you know me btw!

[Feedingthebirds1]

And she never returns anything she ‘borrows’. She does this with her brothers’ things as well, she’s a little magpie. It’s not something I go ballistic over, but it is annoying.

Taking (not borrowing if she never returns them) her brothers' things is not on and you should go ballistic.

It's starting to sound like she thinks life should be handed to her on a plate without her having to do anything for it. She lost her college place and her apprenticeship because she did absolutely no work for them. She had you driving two hours a day to get her there and back but made no effort herself. And if she wants something she just helps herself to others' money and things.

This is a bigger issue than the missing money and fags. It's a much wider attitude problem. Bedroom door locks for your sons is your first step. They should be able to feel that that's their space which your daughter (a) isn't going to go into and (b) isn't going to take their possessions.

Although you got a lot of flack on your last thread, you actually seem to do a lot for her. I assume she won't be paying you anything for bed and board as she's not working?

It's time for some tough talking. Start with the things you find in her bedroom. She can't deny those - well she can try saying someone else put them there, but look her in the eye and say 'all of it?'. It sounds like you need to be a lot stronger in dealing with her, rather than describing her fondly as 'a little magpie'

[MyMabel]

Blink camera for £25 in curry’s or Amazon, alerts you when there’s movement and records and saves a 30 second clip to your phone. I use them in our house, mainly DD (18 months) room and the lounge for when I’m WFH with her here and need to take a call but keep an eye on her.

Don’t tell them obviously, place it strategically and catch them out. I bloody despise stealing.

[Dontwatchfootball]

If you are having a light touch with her and ask her something, and she has a massive reaction, it is more likely that she has a guilty conscience. You need to start locking your stuff up (sorry, that is no way to live) but it is not likely this will get better. You are not a bad parent - sounds like she is a bit difficult.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

OP I think it sounds like you want to do your best for your daughter but you don't know where to start. Does your daughter know about your teenage years? Having a conversation about that might be a good opening point to talking about where you and her are now. Be sure to mention how much you love her. It is sometimes good to talk whilst driving in the car or going for a walk so you have a different activity going on at the same time so it's not too full on. Xxx

[BanditoShipman]

Your upbringing sounds really difficult op, sorry to hear it, made me really sad for you. I think therapy for you and dd, or you on your own could help?

Could you give her a set amount of money a week so she doesn’t always have to ask? Set tasks for it? Then she knows it’s coming. And yes, keep money out of sight so no temptation.

Another thing to remember though is most teenagers are pretty shit for a while, then they mature and go back to being lovely again… might take till she’s 25 odd though 😂

[BelleClapper]

No she’s had DHs loose change as well.

We’re just going to stop leaving things laying around.

The issue with my straighteners etc is that she has her own but prefers mine, and she leaves them on the floor in her messy bedroom to get stepped on. And she never returns anything she ‘borrows’. She does this with her brothers’ things as well, she’s a little magpie. It’s not something I go ballistic over, but it is annoying.

[Anonymous48]

It sounds like your suspicions that it's your 17 year old taking money and cigarettes is probably right, but unless you know for sure I don't think it's fair to accuse her. You haven't mentioned your husband in all this? Could it be him taking them? My husband and I have separate finances but I'll take money from his wallet or that he's left lying around if I need cash, and vice versa. So it could be completely innocent.

If you want to be sure how much you have, you need to be better organized. Keep track of it, put your money in the bank, keep your cigarettes hidden.

I'm not sure what the issue with her borrowing your hair straighteners is. Isn't that totally normal?

Finally, at the age of 17 my kids were expected to be in some form of education. If for some reason that couldn't happen they would have been expected to be looking for a job. There are plenty of minimum wage jobs out there right now.

[the80sweregreat]

Lock box, take a photo on your phone of any money you leave in a cup or drawer or whatever , set a trap for them as others have suggested?

[zingally]

You can't PROVE it was her this time (despite strong suspicions). But you CAN safeguard against it happening again, by hiding the money, being more aware of how much you have, locking it away, etc.

But hopefully this "near miss" on your DDs part this time, will give her a bit of the shock she needs.

[Feedingthebirds1]

OP I get that you want her to be honest and trustworthy and not to have to lock things away. And maybe in the long term she will. But you also need a short term, like now, solution - and that's the lockable box, however much you dislike the idea. What's she going to do for money now that she's lost her job? (Through her own fault.) If it is her stealing, then she's going to get worse if she doesn't have any money.