DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

[Maggiesfarm]

Don't leave money or cigarettes lying about - hide them.

You can't be sure what happened so there is no point in accusing anybody - but you can be more secure.

[Killahangilion]

Ok, I’m baffled here.

If you’re ok with living such a chaotic and disorganised existence, why are you expecting your daughter to have her shit together?

This is definitely a case of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.

Obviously, you are not a thief OP, but if she is stealing from you, I think it’s just a different type of irresponsibility.

[HTH1]

The problem is that DD is getting a free ride for food and housing so not motivated enough to get a job, but has no access to any spending money whatsoever (which sounds pretty miserable).

I think you should start charging her rent to make her get a job (you could always keep it aside and give it back to her when she moves out). Could she maybe get a job where you work, so you can show her the ropes and keep an eye on her?

[Iggly]

@BelleClapper

I appreciate the advice re locking my bedroom, I really do, so don’t think I’m being flippant. But no. That’s nuts. I want to know how to get it through to her that my stuff is not her stuff

I know she takes my hair straighteners, makeup, scissors, nail files etc. So it’s not a huge leap to think she is taking the cash/fags. I want to know tactics to get it through to her, a lock won’t do that.

And I know from history that telling her she’s taking stuff, and to not do that, doesn’t work. I don’t want to live in a fortress.

Just lock your money up. Stop trying to trap or trick her. The consequence is that she won’t be able to get your cash if it is her.

What did people say on your other thread?

[KateTheEighth]

She's taking it

You know it, you just can't prove it

Either lock your things away or accept she's going to keep stealing from you

[chaosrabbitland]

i wouldnt say you are awful at all , chances are she is taking your money and fags , but honestly i think at this point theres nowt you can do about it now ,except make it unavalible to her going forward , theres no point accusing her ,it will lead to a row , just make sure noone has access to it , as lock box for the money and fags on you , the real problem is not that your house is disorganized , so are thousands up and down britain including mine or that you smoke , so do loads of other parents also including me , but that your dd is sitting about doing nothing at all , and if cash is left out she will be tempted to take it because shes not doing anything to generate her own, maybe once she actually cannot just help herself to it the motivation to get a part time job might arise

[Lougle]

Your DS is earning £1400 and paying £150 including his phone, yet your DD was earning an apprenticeship wage and paying £250? No wonder she's disgruntled.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

did you have £140 in a jar and now have £40
why do you need so much cash around?
put it in the bank

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

it is an open invitation to someone with no money

[Soontobe60]

What’s awful here is that a 17 year old, still legally a child, is (probably) resorting to taking money that doesn’t belong to her because she has no access to any other money, and her mother is ranting about it.
OP, she is your child and you don’t sound like you care about her at all. What are you doing to help her? You’re her role model, her support, her parent! Instead, you predict that she’s going to leave home, be homeless, penniless, and god knows what else. Is that what you wanted for her when you first held her in your arms?

[Porcupineintherough]

Read a bot more carefully @Lougle. The extra £100 was to cover extensive use of a car plus petrol.

I remember the last thread and I ve read this one. Some posters are determined to paint the Ops dd as a hapless Cinderella but she really isnt - hence being booted out of college, losing her apprenticeship etc etc

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

are there any grandparents that can talk to her?
often teens listen to others

and now is an ideal time for her to find work - cafe/care/shop - that she can get to herself.

[NoLongerWantHugoToWin]

I thought college was compulsory at that age. Why isn't she there and why no job?

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

my ds was the same op, aside from the thieving. he got a job

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

If it is her, she’s evidently not going to admit it, so just lock your money and fags away, or find a reasonably foolproof hiding place.
If you later find someone furtively rooting away to find them, you’ll know.

[PrettyLittleFlies]

@Porcupineintherough

Read a bot more carefully *@Lougle*. The extra £100 was to cover extensive use of a car plus petrol.

I remember the last thread and I ve read this one. Some posters are determined to paint the Ops dd as a hapless Cinderella but she really isnt - hence being booted out of college, losing her apprenticeship etc etc

I agree.

These pile ons are so tedious.

Some teens are extremely challenging and it's a struggle to get by without constant drama.

[TolkiensFallow]

Oh god, you’re the woman who wanted to charge her daughter rent to live at home whilst studying an apprenticeship and then give it to her son to go to university…

I think you and your daughter need family therapy to be honest. She isn’t solely responsible for the problems in your relationship. She plays a part and she shouldn’t be taking your money but you also play a part and you never seem to recognise it. It’s all this “my daughter is a nightmare and my other children are perfect”…

[ThinWomansBrain]

Your teenager may have stolen/may have lied about it
It's hardly manipulating you to such an extent that you doubt your sanity - so not really gaslighting.

You know money it going missing - maybe 17 yo, maybe one of the others, or anyone with access to the house. Stop leaving it lying around.

[Rioja81]

I think we all know who the golden child/scapegoats are in this scenario.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

The solution is to not leave cash anywhere where anyone could take it.
My middle dd was exactly like this (she is a responsible adult now but we had a rough few years).
I bought lock boxes for all the kids and one for myself for all cash.
You will find that the problem solves itself.

[Livelovebehappy]

You need to be more organised before you confront her properly, ie as someone else said upthread, leave some money out purposefully, that you know you’ve definitely left it in the place it is, and see if it goes missing. But equally you have to be sure that your other 2 haven’t had the opportunity to take it. I’m like you with stuff - I never know for sure how much is in my purse and wouldn’t notice if an odd £10 went missing. Your dd’s obviously (if she is guilty) playing on the fact that you’re not very organised or on the ball. Once you have definitive evidence, then you need to speak to her about it.

[Lougle]

@Porcupineintherough

Read a bot more carefully *@Lougle*. The extra £100 was to cover extensive use of a car plus petrol.

I remember the last thread and I ve read this one. Some posters are determined to paint the Ops dd as a hapless Cinderella but she really isnt - hence being booted out of college, losing her apprenticeship etc etc

I have read carefully, and I stand by my comment. The DD was earning half of what the DS is earning, then paying £100 more. She's not even an adult yet.

[MumW]

I agree that you need to lock money/cigarettes/etc away. I also think that setting a trap and confronting her could lead to escalation.

However, I think I might be tempted to set a trap/camera just to prove to myself that it was her or not and remove the doubt from my mind. Once you have the facts, you would then be in a position to have a family conference and say with all certainty that money/cigarettes are definitely going missing, that you are not standing for it and if it continues, you will be taking steps to establish the identity of the thief and what the consequences will be for the culprit - older 2 would be told to move out, younger one will be grounded/have privileges revoked/xbox removed/whatever is appropriate in this case.

[StinkyLilSinner]

She wasn't earning half, she was earning £12k which is £1k a month. £1k is not half of £1400

[justasking111]

You said your house is chaotic, you work long hours so who's caring for the nine year old??