DD gaslighting me/missing stuff

[BelleClapper]

I genuinely feel like we’re going a bit mad here.

Our house is fairly chaotic, we both work long hours and have kids 18,17,9 plus dogs. So everyone’s a bit in and out and there’s no real structure. So that’s the background.

I earn tips at work and keep them in a jar. I count it when it looks full and last month (?) had £140. Also DH had a random two pound coins on the kitchen side, I had a fiver on my bedside table.

DD (17) is currently not working or at college. We’re off her case because it wasn’t getting us anywhere but we’ve stopped giving her money.

The fiver and two random coins have gone. She is denying any involvement. I can’t 100% say we haven’t moved it or one of the other kids have. But my money box now has £40 in it Again, feel a bit mad because we do chip into it for like ice creams at school or bus fare for DS for work. But it does look like it’s depleted far too much.

Tonight, and please forget any judgements for smoking because I KNOW, she popped in for ten minutes with the boyfriend to get changed before going out; I went to smoke after they left and found one cig in my pack, now I’m not that on top of things but I know I would know if I was down to a few.

I’ve sent her a text and got a barrage of ‘I can’t believe you think I’d do that’ back.

I honestly feel like I’m losing it. I can’t directly accuse her because she just tells me I’m scapegoating her. I can’t be 100% about it because we are a bit sketchy about leaving cash etc around. But also she has no funds but still manages to go out all the time and it all adds up.

How do I approach this without calling her a filthy thief? She is 17 and on the cusp of doing what I did as a teenager; moving out and living rough for a few years because parents are So Awful so I’m trying to tread lightly but I also don’t want her to become accustomed to petty theft.

All advice welcome. My last thread went to shit and got replicated in a zillion tabloids so I’m braced for being told I’m an awful parent so bring it. What the actual jeffing fuck do I do?

[BelleClapper]

@Winnona

Also how is she meant to live if you are not giving her any money and she is not working?

Did you miss the bit where she had £800 on the 4th of this month?

[ArianaDumbledore]

You know she is hypersensitive but continue to pick at things like a quid for a monster drink. I mean why? She's obviously not suited to studying in general which is hard when she has to stay in training. I was the same and I also had a high achieving older brother. He was grammar school 1st class degree, I scraped GCSEs but dropped out of college. The comparison just hung in the air. My brother is a nice person which probably made it worse(!). Whether you agree she has a valid reason to feel hurt in not, she clearly does.


I really do think you need to stop fanning the flames, secure your stuff and try and not engage in the dramatics.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

Hello OP I think you mentioned earlier that she wanted £1 for a can of Monster energy. I think in the great scheme of things it would be better to give her a pound or a fiver to go out with. As PP have said look after your money and flags more closely. Keep them in your pockets? Maybe it is time for a sit down an communication meeting to find out what is going on with your DD. How she is feeling and what she sees her future as. You could point out to her that without a decent job she will struggle for money for the rest of her life. She is one year away from being classed as an adult. However I think saying she is gas lighting you is all a bit dramatic. Try to take it down a few notches. Sounds like a really tricky situation. Good Luck with it. You might be able to access support through your local youth services provider, they might offer mediation or things like that.

[Ukholidaysaregreat]

Hi OP giving her 800 if she is terrible at budgeting is not going to help. Maybe break down into weekly or daily amounts. Ideally she should be able to manage this herself but at the moment it sounds like it will be all gone on beer and monster. Plus 1000 is my monthly wage and I have 4 kids. I don't know why your 17 Yr old with no job who lives at home would be getting that. P.s. I have missed the middle pages out of this thread - will go back and read as it might be explained.

[BanditoShipman]

@Soontobe60

What’s awful here is that a 17 year old, still legally a child, is (probably) resorting to taking money that doesn’t belong to her because she has no access to any other money, and her mother is ranting about it.
OP, she is your child and you don’t sound like you care about her at all. What are you doing to help her? You’re her role model, her support, her parent! Instead, you predict that she’s going to leave home, be homeless, penniless, and god knows what else. Is that what you wanted for her when you first held her in your arms?

Agree completely.

Why aren’t you giving her money? My 16 year old does chores/cleaning for us and gets £12.50 an hour.

[CoolCatTaco]

How much of that last wage did you take from her? Why does she feel the scapegoat with you? Because I expect she felt that way before she went off the rails.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

ha ha £800 was her wages @Ukholidaysaregreat, for her apprenticeship which she has just lost.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

Why are you taking less of a proportion of her brother’s earnings in keep?

You’re shit with money (in as much as you leave it lying around and don’t know how much you have so you’re casual with it) and she’s shit with money (because she’s spent it all and it’s run out).

Why were you looking at her emails?

[Tubs11]

If you don't have your shit together how can you expect her to? Get organised and lead by example before accusing her of theft

[BelleClapper]

I’m taking the same from him, £150. The extra £100 from DD was the cost (not even the whole cost) of the petrol to drive her to and from work. DS gets the bus and pays for that.

She showed me the emails. We were trying to work out why she lost her job.

[BanditoShipman]

I also don’t get the hair brush/ make up stuff. My dds take my tweezers/razors/make up constantly (to use not to sell!), I thought that was normal when you had teenage daughters? They usually ask first but not always.

I stole from family when I was a teenager, about 14, I was being bullied at school and was desperately unhappy. I got caught and the shame has lasted 30 odd years. I think your daughter needs love/help/support not being caught with a nanny cam.

[BelleClapper]

I have never suggested or want a nanny cam by the way.

I have hidden my cash box and will stop emptying my pockets on to the side.

I do give her odd bits of money, she had £30 to go to Brighton last week and the request for a quid for monster was on the heels of that so I said no.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

Proportionately he earns more than she did. Why aren’t you taking in proportion? She can see him earning more than her and paying less. That’s going to give her a sense of injustice.

And if that’s one example you’ve talked about here then there will be others.


My mother would have said I showed her letters when I left school - I didn’t. Not of my own free will really. She bulldozed me and guilted me into showing her. Not saying you are but it is something to be aware of.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

ooh brighton @BelleClapper
my dd went there last week and now has covid!

[Iwastheparanoidex]

And yeah. I’ve two teens and I’m constantly taking back my hair brush/straighteners/tweezers/face creams when they’re here. That’s normal.

Mine also say they didn’t take it don’t know how it got there. So they take legs and walk or the fairies move them.

[Merryoldgoat]

I also don’t get the hair brush/ make up stuff. My dds take my tweezers/razors/make up constantly (to use not to sell!), I thought that was normal when you had teenage daughters? They usually ask first but not always.

My mum and I shared all of these things. She showed me how not to have a tide mark when I applied foundation, I introduced her to cleanser other than soap. We gave clothes advice, plucked eyebrows, swapped makeup. All normal with teenage girls and mums with decent relationships.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

Actually my bad. One is a teen and one is early 20s.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

What age were you when your relationship with your parents broke down? I think you’ve said you moved out at 16? And lived rough?

But I’m asking more when did your relationship with your parents fracture?

Because if you didn’t get parented from (say) 14, then you might not have much of an idea how to, because it wasn’t modelled to you and my suggestion fo therapy might help with that too.

[AbsolutelyPatsy]

good idea @Iwastheparanoidex

[Couchbettato]

I wouldn't put cameras around.

If you go looking for trouble. You'll find it.

What will happen if you do catch her on camera? Confrontation. And then what?

Just be sensible, lock the stuff away. She can't get to it, you can. There's no confrontation. There's no building resentment, and she's less likely to fly off the handlebars..

[BelleClapper]

@Iwastheparanoidex

What age were you when your relationship with your parents broke down? I think you’ve said you moved out at 16? And lived rough?

But I’m asking more when did your relationship with your parents fracture?

Because if you didn’t get parented from (say) 14, then you might not have much of an idea how to, because it wasn’t modelled to you and my suggestion fo therapy might help with that too.

That is actually a really good insight.

So my potted and boring history: my mum lost a baby at birth and checked out when we were 12 and 13, when she was 14 my younger sister put herself into foster care. My parents then totally focussed on her and I got a bit lost. I moved in with my boyfriend during my GCSEs and my parents moved house without me. When I broke up with the bf at 18 I moved home briefly and slept on the sofa before that broke down totally and they asked me to leave, I spent a year living rough and sofa surfing before moving 100 miles away for work.

So yes, in a nutshell, I didn’t have the best modelling for parenting a teenage girl.

I’ll look into family therapy but again, this is something my family tried and it was awful and no helpful at all.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

That sounds really hard for you.

Therapy for you, as well as family therapy, would probably be really helpful. Please don’t write it off just because your previous experience of it wasn’t great - that’s as much to do with the personalities of the people and the therapist as anything else.

[Iwastheparanoidex]

And I mean it in terms of - my parents parented me. And they modelled a particular way of parenting. Some of it I thought was good and some was absolutely utterly shit especially as I got into my bigger teens and I could take that experience and learn from it how not to parent an older teen 😳

You didn’t have that so you don’t know how to or how not to (does that make sense)

[HalzTangz]

Wouldn't the solution be to organise yourself. Lock the money away. Keep your cigarettes on you etc

[ArianaDumbledore]

That must have been tough.
Does your DD see much of your parents?