I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

Op you are doing amazing. He is trying to destabilise you. Log and record the calls in case you need the police layer

Block his number.

OP wow you really made a change! I can understand the feeling of panic.
I want to share that for me a planned caesarean was pretty painless, and after the first 24 hours managed with paracetamol
Don't forget the sciatica if it's immobilising you discuss what might be needed in terms of practical help with your midwife there's got to be some available -
You can do it!!!

@idontknowwhattodonow26

I know you say you're 'alone', but I think you need to think about the people who have been a part of your life since before you met your husband. Think carefully about why they aren't in your life anymore. A tactic of abusers is to isolate their victim. One of the ways they do that is to create 'issues' between the victim and their family and friends to alienate them from each other. They work slowly and slyly to convince you that those people talk behind your back, think you're 'stupid', are taking advantage of you, don't really love you (only he does), etc. At the same time they'll 'let slip' to those people that you have said bad things about them, that you think they take advantage of you, or he'll treat them rudely, or even 'glare' at them to make them not want to be around you if he's there. All with the intent that these people fade out of your life or you drop them, because he wants you alone and isolated with no one to say "Hey! The way he treats you is wrong!!".

Maybe I'm right and maybe I'm wrong about this. Just give it some serious thought. And if there are people you decide have been alienated from you due to his machinations, call them. I'll bet they've been waiting for your call. What do you have to lose by reaching out? Nothing. And you just may gain some support, and possibly some shoulders to lean on.

I am so proud of you for realising that you deserve a better, happier life than the one you are living now. Your H sounds like my brother. He was told all his life (by both parents) that he could do anything he wanted to. There were no expectations or boundaries for him. They supported every hobby and failed endeavor and he never even lasted a week of genuine employment as an adult. He was always too good for them. He was encouraged to chase his dreams. My parents were wealthy and threw money around so that he faced the consequences of his theft or drug and alcohol-related accidents. They bought him new cars.

He is mid-50’s, morbidly obese and has COPD. He claims that he is a professional drummer and skateboarder. (He has never been paid for either of these things.)

I know it’s not his fault that he was thoroughly unprepared for independence and it says a lot about my parents failing their responsibilities, but at some time he has to realise that his choices - behaviour, spending, actions, expectations are his own responsibility. He frequently says things like “I couldn’t help it.”, “She made me….” and “If that guy had just…”
to avoid acknowledging that he was responsible for these incidents and accountability for the results.

Again, I’m really proud of you for sending that man back to the manufacturer. I suspect you are going to be hit with manipulation tactics about how you make HIM feel and potentially suicide threats. You will see these patterns on a lot of these theads when women try to leave abusive partners. Please stay strong.
It is likely he will latch onto another “Servixe Provider” reasonably soon and try and rub that in your face. In the meantime, please consider doing the Freedom Program so you can spot guys like this and avoid future problems with better boundaries. Maybe get some counselling when you can.

Sorry I see the update, glad you got rid, don’t let him back.

💐

Sorry to read this. He sounds awful and you will be better off without him.

In terms of help when the baby comes - I know there are some nanny training courses that place students with families. You get help for free in exchange for giving them experience. It depends whereabouts in the country you are - for Norland nannies for example, you need to live near Bath or in sw London. There may be others that I don't know about but wanted to flag in case it's useful

I see yr H is very handy with the abuse over the phone. It’s probably how he gets his jolly’s, next time he calls, & there will be a next time, get ready to hang up, do not under any circumstance listen to his nastiness.

I know all this seems like a mountain to climb especially with a new baby due soon. But bit by bit, day by day you will sort it out. I hope your godmother is the ally you need going forward. I wish you only good luck. 💐

He knows you don't have a boyfriend - when would you have time?! He's just trying to unsettle you and pretend it's you that's in the wrong. Don't engage in his nonsense. You're doing great, it's okay to have a wobble!

Is there another school parent who may help with lifts to school, even just temporarily? If I saw you walking your kids that far with your current condition and struggling so much, there’s no way I’d just drive past you.

Sorry, missed your update - stay strong!

Boyfriend! What a twat. Please record his calls next time. You can do it via an app or iPhone. Need to check the caller doesn’t have it announced though.

Please do reach out to a domestic abuse organisation and talk to them - they won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do but they can support with planning next steps

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a wonderful mum and you’re doing amazing considering all the obstacles. Please speak to your midwife and gp, the abuse needs to be on record, for future evidence if needed. Hopefully your midwife can signpost you to various benefits and organisations that can help. Prioritise yourself and your children, could you also make a police report against the abusive phone calls? I’m so glad you have you god mum nearby to help. You’re doing the right thing, you H was not only abusing you but your children too. Stay strong, it will get easier xxx

Not sure why you had 4 kids but it seems quite common with women prone to abuse that they’ll keep having more kids

Disgusting comment. "Women prone to abuse"? what is wrong with you?

He sounds like a narcissist Op. You poor thing. I'll bet he has smeared your name behind your back too. These people are as cruel as you can get.

It's not uncommon for things to escalate at this point, I would strongly urge you to contact the police and let them know what's going on, and what has been happening. If you've not seen it before, here's a link to The Wheel of Power and Control, and you can expect him to circle through some if not all of these tactics now, to reel you back in. If you can see it coming you can recognise it and be prepared.

Go to your midwife today, tell her everything. She's seen it all before, and that is what she is there for, she's there for you, to help you.

Not brilliant Betty.

It is relevant to the advice that i would give.

I was trying to find out how long the OP has known him. If it has previously been a long term, settled and calm relationship and this behaviour is new and out of character, it makes a bit of a difference versus if she has only known him for the 2 years they have been married.

It makes no difference. The red flags are there. My mum's second husband first hit her on her honeymoon and then later tried to kill her.

I hope the poster who made the "prone to abuse " comment understands that some victims of DV are forced into sex.

Classic victim blaming

Yeah that comment made me a bit sick in my mouth too 🤮

My thoughts too. Yes it's scary being solely responsible for four young children, but you'll do better by yourself than with a man who is hell-bent on wiping the floor with you, metaphorically and sometimes physically.

My mother was in a situation a bit like yours, and she stayed too long (because it was a small town in the 70s, because she was loyal by temperament... she was no coward). It did neither her nor us kids any good.

You've got lots of strangers here rooting for you. Hopefully your godmother comes through IRL. All the best!

Don't pick up his calls.
If you do, warn him at the start that you're recording him and are in touch with women support organisations. Do not argue with him or try to prove your point - it's pointless, he is just trying to control you and you cannot 'win' with him. He doesn't see that he is a problem here but it's not your job to prove it to him.

Any woman who has been in this situation would believe you. We know abusers are nice as pie on the surface. You can do this by yourself, it won’t be easy, but it will be easier than staying.

It's only natural to have a wobble OP.. but you will be OK.
Take all the help you can get.
It's brilliant that you are back in touch with your God Mum.
Please be frank with the midwife. Write it down a list of what you want to say if its easier. It can be very hard when there are so much concerns on your mind.

I do think you should report your DH. He pushed and bruised a heavily pregnant woman, on top of all the other things.

Ask your mid wife for advice, because you don't want this man getting unsupervised access to your DCs and evidence like this will be very important.
You want her to write on your notes that he is not to be admitted to your hospital.. and he is not next of kin. Ask her how to change that and make your God Mother next of kin.
You mentioned that your neighbours had a ring door bell. Talk to your neighbours, or put a note through, just to say that he's left and is not welcome back... They may be kinder and more helpful than you'd expect.

Ask Women's aid for legal advice, they can help you with all of that... and someone also suggested Homestart, that would be a very good call.

You can mute his number. Dont answer his calls. All the better if he leaves recorded messages, more evidence.
I know its really daunting to be telling people about your situation in real life, but this is a time when people would keep an eye out for you and probably help if they could.
I hope you are getting more rest now and are eating. This is a difficult time, but you are moving towards freedom and your better future away from the fear this man has caused. Wishing you all the very best x