I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

I’m so sorry to hear you are in this situation 💐 Your husband is abusive, plain and simple. It is never acceptable to push you. Can you find a time to speak to Women’s Aid when he isn’t in the house? Or make an appointment with your GP or Midwife to discuss this? They will keep it completely confidential from your husband and will be able to offer you support.

Im so sorry. This sounds awful.
I know going it alone is scary but it would not be harder than staying with this man.

He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain.

See I would've opened with that what with it being the most important thing here.

I realise it's difficult with the kids and being pregnant, but none of you are safe living under the same roof as a violent man.

You're choosing not keeping yourself and your kids safe just because you don't want to be a single parent?

How long do you think you and they can put up with this, for life or something?

I do think you should involve police and dv charities. He’s physically abusing you and it sounds like mentally and verbally too. Does he have money? are you also being financially abused if you have none?
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and I know it seems so hard. Without him though, you wouldn’t be in a lot of the pain you’re in. you wouldn’t be as sleep deprived as you are. Those two things alone would help you feel so much stronger.
you haven’t done anything to make him hate you, he’s just abusive.
you and your dc deserve better than this, I think you should speak to someone asap.

By not reporting him and not leaving him because you don't want to be a single mum, you're just kicking the can down a very long road.

And that's a road that could lead to serious harm for you and your children.

You need help to leave. Talk to your midwife. Don't let this be another post where you give all the reasons to stay.

Do you have any family or friends in real life you could stay with? I think you need to tell your midwife.

Please stay safe. 💐

Can you talk to your MW - they should be asking questions about DV but discuss the pushing with them at least - your notes should have a number to ring.

Just to add, he is physically hurting you when you are pregnant. What could you and your unborn baby possibly have done to deserve that? Would you hurt a pregnant woman even if you really hated her? Don’t excuse him by blaming yourself.

I just want to send you love because you are obviously a kind and giving person

He is abusive.
I’m not surprised you regret your life with him, anyone would. Not sure why you had 4 kids but it seems quite common with women prone to abuse that they’ll keep having more kids.

It is time to leave him. It will make your life better. Best if you just get on and do it so you can sort things out for the kids and not remain in a limbo situation where everyone is unhappy.

...and you deserve to be loved. What you describe is the opposite of that.

I'm sorry, it really does sound as if he hates you.

I know someone will be along with better advice but I'd suggest you start planning to leave in a year. Have the baby, get through the first few months, then get out of this horribly abusive marriage.

Don't breathe a word to him as you make your plans. It will be hard but this is no life and terrible for your children to witness.

Honestly as hard as it would be, being a single mother would be better than this.

I think you ought to talk to your midwife, OP, and tell her exactly what's been going on. He's really abusive.

You and your children would be much happier without him. Your children's behaviour would be much better, too.

Can being a single parent to 4 kids really be worse than living with an abuser who hurts you and makes you so utterly miserable OP? Genuine question. I know it seems impossible but it really isn't, he has just broken you down to the point you think you wouldn't cope, but you would. Your first step has to be speaking to women's aid, they won't do anything without your say so and can talk you through your options. Knowledge is power in your situation so you have nothing to lose by finding out what might be possible in terms of help and support, being free of him might be easier than you expect.

Please please disclose this abuse to your midwife. And contact women’s aid.

Please seek help, this is no way for you or your children to live. Do you have any family nearby?

For those asking, I dont have any family unfortunately. My mum died a few years ago and my dad is very elderly and in ill health. I have a brother but our relationship isnt great. I dont have any friends whatsoever.
I understand people saying being a single parent isnt bad etc and its not so much that, its the logistics of getting stuff done. I have a child at school, 2 toddlers and then will have a newborn. I am considering sticking it out until the baby is a couple of months old and I am recovered from my c section so I can walk and get around etc.
The problem is novody would ever believe he is like this. He is so nice and funny and helpful etc to everyone else but at home he is deliberately depriving me of sleep and rest, being abusive, saying things that honestly you wouldn't believe would come out of someone's mouth. Genuinely horrific evil things. I am frightened of not coping with the children and them suffering even more.

Can see why you’re tempted to wait. But you’re putting yourself and your baby at risk. He has pushed you etc, it’s not safe. Also he is not likely to be too helpful, is he. He is keeping you awake at night while heavily pregnant - you need rest. Don’t delay. There will be people to help you post c section, it’s a time to call on your friends and anyone else who can help. This man isn’t going to make anything easier.

The problem is novody would ever believe he is like this. He is so nice and funny and helpful etc to everyone else

We believe you. And the midwife, your GP and DV workers will believe you as well.

It's really really common for these hideous men to present an entirely different face to the outside world.

As a first step, would you go to your GP and get those bruises documented? You may not want to think about this now but when you do leave him, he will most likely threaten to go after full custody of the children. You will really want records of the abuse you have experienced then.

My first LTB.

Please please call the Police and report him for DV. He is abusive. Speak to your midwife she will help you. Do not live with this awful man, you and your children deserve so much better.

I don’t think, being a bit late for school, or eating pizza for dinner a few nights in a row, so you can cope and lighten your load, is equivalent to seeing their mum be abused and living in a house with a violent man to be honest. Is he going to let you recover? Is he actually going to help? I know you’re ‘comfortable’ in this set up, as in, it’s a bit more predictable than leaving, you know what to expect here, whereas leaving could be better but you’re worried it could also be worse. but you’re not really safe. Perhaps talk to your midwife and women’s aid, and see what they think. They’ll have dealt with this before.
do at least get your bruises documented.
abuse typically steps up In pregnancy and early months of a new baby, people will believe you.

I would speak to women’s aid, get some advice on leaving. You can at least make a plan even if you don’t go through with it.
speak to your midwife and get your bruises documented. She may also have some advice.
think about if there are any other forms of abuse you have documented, are there any recordings of him for example on a ring doorbell saying these things to you. Do you have texts. Any witnesses?
if you stay, speak to your HV if she seems good.
if you leave speak to the school so they can help support the kids and be a bit kinder to you if you drop the ball on a few bits whilst you get yourself sorted.
im sorry you’re so alone in this, I do think you being alone with no friends is also a result of this abuse though. He’s doing everything he can to stop you from having the strength and support to leave him.

What’s your living arrangements?
Do you rent privately?
Are you in social housing?
If so who’s name is on the tenancy or do you have a mortgage?
Do you work or claim benefits?

OP he is abusive and it often escalates during pregnancy when you're vulnerable. You need to get away from him and do it safely. Please contact Women's Aid TODAY. If you involve DV charity and police, they will help you get away and provide a place of safety - you cannot stay under the same roof as him, you are in grave danger. You need peace, to feel safe and to be able to sleep.

Make the call to Women's Aid. It's the only way. Don't wait until the next time he hurts you. You can do this, for yourself and your children.

https://womensaid.org.uk/