I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

I’m so sorry op. He’s abusive as you know. I’d document everything somewhere he won’t find it and speak to womens aid. You may need a paper trail.

try not to worry for now about how hard you’ll find it as a single mum. he actively sabotages you in many ways plus the stress this situation must be putting you u der and the fact you’re pregnant - you may find it easier than you think when you can work out routines and actually get yourself some rest.

sorry to hear your husband is an abusive wanker. I’d def talk to midwife/GP and get the ball rolling to leave him.
Just a thought - do you not have friends because he’s isolated you (I can understand family, I don’t really have any now, but I did in my 30s - any cousins? aunts?).

I've always thought that being a single mum to several children is almost impossible and I'd stay in a lot of less than ideal marriages instead of going it alone. BUT you are not safe.

This man is a real threat and danger to you. You are quite right to recognise that if a man hurts you, he doesn't love or like you, he hates you. You have to get out. Struggling alone with poverty and exhaustion will be hellish but it's way safer than staying with a man who attacks his pregnant wife. I am very worried on your behalf that this will escalate.

Talk to your midwife and be honest
There absolutely will be help for you and they will believe you. A man who pushes over a pregnant woman is incredibly dangerous - you and your baby are not and will not be safe.

I am so sorry you are going through this. If you were living near me, I would happily help you out with anything you needed. I understand waiting until the baby is born. But it might be an idea to at least phone Womens Aid and get some support now and start getting your ducks in a row before the baby is born. And please speak to your midwife. This man is dangerous.

I'm going to echo other posters, you need to speak to your midwife and GP. The bruises and pain you're in, must be documented. Your husband is abusive, and he's deliberately depriving you of sleep, to break you. Your husband is enjoying seeing you like this, he gets some perverse pleasure from being able to wield power over you.

The fact your husband has pushed you during an argument, and you've fallen means you and your unborn child aren't safe. Often abusive men ramp up the abuse when a woman is pregnant, because she's at her most vulnerable. Abusive men usually have a completely different persona when around other family/friends, they are charming, helpful and extremely nice.

Your midwife and GP will believe you.

Speak to Women's Aid. If your worst fear is being alone with four young children, it will be hard but it won't be as hard as what you're going through right now. You're being tortured.

He has pushed you, and injured you while pregnant, and deliberately preventing someone from sleeping is also a recognised form or abuse.

You will be believed and helped.

What’s your housing and financial situation, do either of you work. He is as others say, abusive to you and the children.

You need to speak to your midwife and the police. Document and take photos of your injuries. Try and record him if it’s not dangerous to do so. If you can, keep any personal documents safe. You and the children are in danger and it seems like his behavior is escalating.

You have all our sympathies OP.

You need to speak to a women's aid charity tomorrow.
If you aren't going to be able to make the call without your husband knowing please go in to your kids school tomorrow morning.
Ask to speak to the safeguarding lead and use the school phone to make the call.

Good luck.

Being on your own with 4 children will be easier than living with him.

X

I’m so sorry you are going through this OP. You must feel terribly ground down and emotionally and physically exhausted.

if you were to report him to the Police they would take it seriously. They could charge him for various offences and bail him away from your home or obtain a DVPO to exclude him from the property for a period of time to give you some breathing space.
Here’s a link to another post where a woman reported abuse and came through it on the other side: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5517759-police-action-after-101-call-has-left-us-separated-and-struggling-financially?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Then depending on your circumstances, if you did need alternative housing that could help evidence DV if you approach your local Council as homeless in which case you’d be deemed priority need.

You may also be entitled to Legal Aid to seek a non molestation order and/or occupation order for longer term protection.

Im terms of your children- as everyone else says, definitely confide in midwife as they’ll be able to support and signpost. You can also speak to the school as they too as they may be able to help with practicalities. There’s also the charity Gingerbread which supports single parents and they may be able to provide assistance and support.

These are just some things that occurred to me but absolutely reach out to Women’s Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for more guidance, support and direction. Even if all you do is call to get your options I think just taking that step will help to empower you

Best of luck OP, I hope the circumstances in your life change for the better

Please call Women’s Aid tomorrow, I was in a similar relationship and they helped me, please speak to them.

Just a bit of an update for everyone. He had gone out earlier on but came back being incredibly nasty, shouting whilst i was putting the eldest to bed etc so i told him he needed to leave. So he isnt here at the minute.
2 out of 3 of the kids are asleep, just 1 toddler awake so trying to settle them so I can get some rest. I dont think ill physically be able to do the school run in the morning as I am so exhausted and I have a lot to sort out so I am going to keep the oldest off school tomorrow whilst I try and get the house together and try and get out for some shopping with the bit of money I do have.
I have managed a bit of cleaning/tidying. As i mentioned in my post I have been trying to sort the house out as it is cluttered and a mess particularly the kitchen. Kids bedrooms are fine so not got too much to worry about there. I haven't eaten for a couple of days so I dont think that's helping, I am hungry and i feel sick but I have no appetite or desire to make anything to eat.
I'm trying not to overwhelm myself with everything that needs to be done and just do a bit at a time. I just wish I had somebody in real life to talk to or to a for some help and support and then it wouldn't feel so daunting.

Is there a Christian charity or group or mum's meetup near you within walking distance? What about just calling your local womens or family helpline? You don't have to decide your whole life today, just take one step at a time and make that phone call but make sure he is not in the house or that you are out when you do it.

The ones that are outgoing and nice out in public are the worst. I was married to one of those and nobody believed me about his behaviour. Luckily I left him when my children were very young and it's been 12 years now. He is remarried and they seem happy, but I know what goes behind closed doors with him. The abuse has continued post-divorce (nobody talks about that) but I'm still better off not living with him.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's not your fault, they put on a very good act at the start and you keep thinking you're married to that fake persona, instead the real face he's showing you now. I hope you are ok and can get some support. Counsellors and professionals who deal with abusive men often, will definitely believe you. They know how they act in public.

You need to try and contact women’s aid. He is physically and emotionally abusive. Pushing you over at any time is bad, but when you are pregnant??? You should call the police. You would be safer and probably have more financial support if you get benefits.

OP truer words could not be spoken. Get out any way you can for you and your children. It's scary but I guarantee 1000 times better then this. Also call the police you have been assaulted.

Don't let him back through your door. Thinking of you and your babies, sending love❤️

I got to a similar point of STBXH resentment towards me just oozing out of him.

Leaving has been the hardest things I’ve ever done, and his behaviour towards me continues to be abhorrent but it has been so worth it.

I left because I didn’t want my children thinking it was normal and then ending up in a relationship like that.

That push will turn to punches come time.
Get yourself and your children out of there.
Dv will leave its mark on all of you.

You are already a single mum to four small children - a single mum whose life is complicated by a demon who lives in her house and tortures her.

Get rid of him. Your life is already hard, but getting of him will make it a bit easier.

Imagine a day in your life without him. Would anything really be harder? I mean, you could at least put your DC to bed at a normal time and then sleep yourself. Think of all the things that would become easier if he wasn't deliberately hindering you.

I think you'll find that mental clarity comes a lot easier when you're not permanently exhausted and frightened. Making decisions and seeing the way forward will suddenly seem like a doddle when you haven't got him messing with your head as well as physically hurting you. The same with confidence - your self-esteem and self-belief are crap because he's deliberately made you that way. When you're free of him you'll find that actually, you can cope, and that will lead to more confidence, and you'll get more and more able to cope. When he isn't grinding you down every day, you'll get back to who you really are. He wants you to think you are weak, stupid, incapable. You're not.

I promise you leaving this vile thing of a man and being a single mother to 4 children is better than staying with him and being his punchbag, cook and cleaner. You need to accept that this isn't the relationship you hoped it was and time to save you and your kids from any more harm. You will find a way through to survive and your kids will thank you. Talk to your midwife or GP.

@Elsvieta he's the weak minded one if he works ill lay money he can control himself but behind closed doors with a vulnerable woman and children that's entirely different.

Don't underestimate how physical stuff can mess with your ability to cope mentally. You're not going to be able to think straight about anything if you don't eat. Try to eat something.

If you're isolated anyway, with nothing to keep you where you are, maybe consider moving quite a long way, to be well away from him? Especially if it's expensive where you are - look at where's cheaper. I mean, if he's the type to try to fight you on custody (just to torment you - clearly he doesn't actually give a crap about his kids, because if he did he wouldn't assault their mother) or come round your new place harassing you or whatever. If you're a couple of hundred miles away with a child in school, nobody's going to make you move or hand the kids over for half the week. If you need to run, run far.