I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

I stopped reading when u said you were pregnant and he pushed you , please seek help and try to get away with from him , hope u are okay , stay strong

He sounds like an abusive bully, why would you want your children to see that, live with it and grow up thinking behaving like that is OK or acceptable.

Yes, being a single parent to four will be hugely difficult, but you won’t be the first and you will get through. The many positives will be that you won’t be walking on eggshells, you will probably sleep better, your children will live with a strong , independent woman not a scared abused mouse, they will not have an abusive role model, you can teach them that being strong and assertive humans doesn’t mean losing the ability to care, to be kind, to be generous and to be thoughtful.

Your bully isn’t going to stop, the chances are he will get worse because the only reason for someone to carry on behaving like that is because they enjoy it, they get a perverted kick out of it, they like the power, they like the hurting , it makes them feel manly and strong instead of feeling like the weak and pathetic person they really are. Next time he might push you off your ladder and it won’t just be bruises.

I mean this as a compliment. You are coping on your own wonderfully. In your first message you seemed absolutely overwhelmed but you obviously have a keep calm and carry on attitude. You don’t need this odious man in your life. He’s probably annoyed as he cant subjugate you, you are stronger than you think. You just need support through the transition of getting him out of your life. Talk to the midwife, the school,your brother and the godmother just so you have people to talk to and who will probably help you. Good luck. You can do this.

Just read your update about your dad. When things are more settled then try to get some therapy to give you some insight into why you seem to have drifted into a relationship with someone like your dad. You need to understand yourself so that you can help your children to have strong self esteem and learn how make good relationships in the future , not recycle the past.

Please leave him. Bringing up 4 children on your own is hard but not impossible. I did it. (Similar problems to you)The children cannot grow up with this type of relationship around them. Speak to your midwife, doctor, police, solicitor, anyone who can help but don't tell him. The authorities will help you but you must tell them everything. If you have bruises take photos. You have done nothing wrong + you are a lot stronger than you think. He is a bully + a narcissist. Don't stay with him please.

Just wanted to say how sorry I was to read what you have been enduring and that it must feel like a massive uphill task to take all the steps.
But that is what they are, steps... One by One.. you can tick them off your list.
Im glad you were brave enough to come on here ,as there's been good advice on this thread.
It must be hard having to say these things face to face, but I really hope you can speak to your midwife. They will be able to help. If she's not the right person, don't give up. Speak to the gp etc.
You've already made so much progress. Its your house, he's back at his mums and although its another bloomin job to do the divorce, that's further down the line... you must be feeling safer and more able to sleep.
You seem to be doing a lot of organising and housework, but do take some time to rest when you can and eat.
It's great that you might be able to reach out to your brother and your God mum.... that's really a good opportunity.
You've been through so much, but now you can start making your plans and you will have peace in your house, and be away from the fear of him.
Please call Women's Aid anyway to see what help is available and how to keep your life safe from him in the future.
And keep posting if it helps.
Remember you don't have to answer any rude or demanding questions ( sometimes there are some) just respond when you feel like it
Wishing you all the very best x

Hey OP, its great that his gone. You deserve so much better X

I just want to send you a big hug and lots of strength - you are doing brilliantly and life will only get better without this abuser around. I think it speaks volumes that you've realised that your dad was likely abusive too - I really hope this realisation helps you break the cycle, and that you and your children thrive in your safe, loving home. Hang in there, and when you're ready, ask for help. Try your godmother, and also are there any school mums who could muck in? I know I couldn't have let any of my son's classmates' parents go through this alone and I'm sure it's the same for people near you. Good luck x

I am so sorry OP. The fact that he pushed you over is quite terrible. I agree with others who say it may be best to contact Women’s Aid.
It may be worth thinking through the practicalities of leaving. Do you own a home together? Do you work at all?

@idontknowwhattodonow26 I have been in your position. I left my ex and moved into a refuge with 3yo DD (his mother owned our house). That was 30 years ago. Recovery was a long process but our lives were better the second we left.

You have somewhere safe to live while you rebuild your life so that's a brilliant start.

If you are anywhere near me (my username will give you a clue to which city I'm in) I am more than happy to meet you for a coffee or a chat or sit with your DC while you have a nap or whatever.

Wishing you all the strength in the world OP 💐

Hello, I was in this position many moons ago! You will be able to do it. Get onto UC and claim everything you can right now. Remove him off anything immediately.

You will be ok, it’s daunting as fuck but you will be fine honestly.

It's going to be a rollercoaster OP, but you'll find strength you didn't know you had. You're doing good so far, from one stranger to another, I'm proud of you. Even if you go on autopilot for a while, prioritise what needs to be done and catch up on the other stuff as and when.

Become immune to his shit. He will not break you, he isn't valued enough by you (good, after the way he's been!) to warrant letting his opinions in. He isn't worth anything after the way he's behaved. Have a moment when it gets too much, have a little cry in the bath to let it out, then it's back to business. Take care of yourself between working out all the logistics but just remember, your kids will grow up knowing their mum was there for them. For them and for you, just ride each day out and do what you need to to get through the day. You're doing brilliantly, keep your head up. We're all here when you need to get things out of your head and to share the burden mentally ❤️

This sounds horrendous for you. I hope you are able to tell your MW what has being going on and hopefully she will be able to signpost you to some organisations for help.
Homestart is a great charity for parents with children under school age. They sometimes run small group/toddler events and you can meet up with a volunteer for a couple of hours a week. It isn't much but they will offer some form of help with no judgement. It could be helping get to appointments or just someone to offload to. Ask your MW, they can refer you or you can self refer. Take care x

OP I just read the rest of your posts and you sound absolutely amazing. This is a tough situation and you are getting your house clean and getting your child to school while pregnant & with two toddlers. That’s hard to do!

Please do try and eat something if you can, your health is important for your children!

Keep this line open, we are here for you. Of course four children is hard on your own but better than with a violent man who doesn’t let you sleep (he sounds like a controllling child!!)

Does he work? The financial support you are owed from him will be very helpful in future.

Also there is wonderful charity called Homestart that sends volunteers to help families in practical ways. You can ask the midwife or GP to refer you, or you can contact your local branch yourself. My friend who is just lovely volunteers for them. https://www.home-start.org.uk

I just mentioned Homestart as well! Seems like they could really help.

A priority is sorting finances, informing UC you are a single parent and initiating a CMS claim.

I hope homestart are able to find you a wonderful volunteer.

It’s her house. Housing association with only her name on the tenancy.

I’m sorry you’re in this difficult situation. I’m gonna be real with you.

You need to apply for divorce as soon as you’re able to. If you think he has left for good and won’t be back, don’t involve any authorities, that’ll bring complications you just don’t need.

HOWEVER, if you think he will be back, please contact the police non-urgent number now and make them aware of your situation should it escalate.

i am glad to hear of your housing situation, you’re very lucky. Just kick him out, divorce, apply for the correct amount of UC now he’s gone and if he says anything about seeing the kids (hopefully not!), do it via his mum, not directly.

try not to worry about the house, as long as the kids are sorted with food and clothes. You need to rest now, do the bare minimum. If you can, find time to stick toddlers in a nursery, it’ll be help a lot when the baby arrives (free hours).

in terms of recovering from birth, that’s gonna be tough but TEMPORARY. Think about giving birth and where the kids will be, could exs mother/grandmother have them for you. There are childminders who will be happy to help out for a week or so by having the kids overnight. Also can put up a post on local Facebook asking for help, local mums will help 100%, things like bringing homemade meals, nappies, etc.

I know it’s a lot, so don’t pressure yourself to do it all and at once. Think about you and your immediate needs plus the kids including the unborn baby. That’s all, the rest can be done later.

you’ll get through this

Okay gotcha

@idontknowwhattodonow26 you are doing really well. Take the lead on the divorce anyway - that way you have control. Make sure to go through CMS and get what you’re entitled to.

Stay strong.
No contact with him unless to arrange supervised contact with kids eg in a park or public place.
And watch out for him to come blubbing in a few weeks that he didnt mean it bla bla (Unless he has someone else lined up in which case good riddance)

He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose

I'm so sorry op. It's abuse. Wishing you love and strength.

Having a bit of a wobble now tonight panicking about the logistics of having the baby and the section and everything as I only have a few weeks left to go realistically. I still need to get some things for the new baby too.
He has just phoned me saying he "knows ive been up to something" and he can hear "my boyfriend" in the background of the call. Theres nobody here! I said to him he doesnt get to behave the way he has and want a divorce etc and then phone me up making ridiculous accusations.
I'm going to have a shower and try and get an early(ish) night. My head is absolutely frazzled with it all, I'm honestly convinced he's trying to push me over the edge hoping I will harm myself or do something stupid knowing I am vulnerable and struggling.
I did phone my godmother earlier on, she knows some bits about the marriage and the problems and she said she doesn't think it will get any better and she thinks we are better off apart but unfortunately shes away on holiday at the minute so couldn't do anything in terms of practical help but at least I have made the initial contact. Hopefully she will get in touch when she is back home and she can come and see us

You’ve been doing so well but try not to expect too much of yourself. Give yourself permission to get some rest when it’s possible and the chores will wait if you need a break. I’m sorry he’s been in touch trying to unsettle you. He’s a pig and you deserve better - try to ‘grey rock’ him as a PP said. Don’t let him hook you in if you can avoid it.

It was good that you caught up with your godmother and hopefully it will help to know that you’ve got someone on your side. We’re all here for you too.I hope you get a good night’s sleep.

You poor love. Don’t let him upset you after such a tough few days. No need to answer the phone to him for a bit.

thank goodness he left without a fight. You seem highly capable OP- have every faith in you to do the very best for your children.