I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

And go to the doctor and get the physical abuse documented. I mean, because you should if something (after an accident, or anything) is still hurting you after a week. But also, leverage. Proof, that you had to leave and should be entitled to help (and didn't make yourself "intentionally homeless" or whatever. Get it on record.

OP you are in a really difficult place but it can and will get better, you have started to formulate the problem and that's one step forward.
A parent with a disability is entitled to support because a person with a disability is. Children are not removed because parents need practical help. It's cheaper for the state to support the parent.
It might help to think in your mind- what help in terms of care might I need in order to cope as a single parent?
Because it appears what you have in place is actively detrimental.
This vision can inform your planning and conversations with your midwife, women's aid and GP. Try to find a professional who is able to help you pull it together. I agree not to discuss this with your partner until you have a safe plan. Please don't delay this scenario doesn't improve until you move it on.

Can your dad help you financially @idontknowwhattodonow26 ? Help you to get set up in your own place closer to your DC's school.

Keep one thing on focus - being a single parent means you are in control of your home environment.

You can gradually build routines which suit you and your children.

You can foster an atmosphere of peace and love around you all.

You can do what you want, when you want.

You can work with your children to help you in the house and generally cooperate as you build their confidence in being useful little people.

You can eliminate fear.

Please try everything you can to get away from this man. For all of your sakes, even if it feels impossibly hard at the moment.

I wish I were your neighbour and could lend a hand. You sound so overwhelmed and broken. 💐

You are in a really tough situation OP and you are doing great under the circumstances. It's great that you reached out here! You of course need to leave this abuser and doing so will be hard, and so it will feel overwhelming right now. As PP said, you don't need to do everything straight away. Please do give the National Domestic Abuse helpline a call though as soon as you can safely do that. They can talk you through options, the support that may be available and make a safety plan with you. After that you will be at least better informed and better able to take the next steps when you can.

Tell your midwife all of this straighr away she will arrange support for you and link you to your local Early Help Team and/or local authority children's services. Your children and unborn will be also affected by his treatment of you.

This my dear is absolutely the case.
This won’t change.
He is mentally and physically abusing you.
My abusive ex used to prevent me sleeping to torture me. It was worse than the beatings. Reading that actually hit me more than the push. These are both awful. I am just so sad for you. Speak with your midwife today. She can help put a plan in place.

OP, you can do this. I promise you.

call your midwife this morning. Get in touch with your GP surgery and let them know it’s urgent.

let school know what’s going on.

you’ll be happily surprised at what support will come out of the most unexpected places. School will help you. Your midwife will put things in place for you and refer you to places such as HomeStart. In time, if you feel able to, you might confide in a school mum. I know that the mums at my DD’s school would have been straight in touch with compassion, humour and practical support.

sending you lots of strength.

Is there home start charity near you? https://www.home-start.org.uk/ I’m praying for you, we all care about you. You are strong, you can call the cops and show him the door.. you are being harassed..

Yes my ex used to deprive me of sleep. It’s a horrible way abusers torture their victims. The abuse will escalate until one of them is seriously injured or killed.

Talk to your midwife and show her your bruises and ask that she documents them in your medical records. When you leave him, having a record of the abuse will be helpful.

Could you speak to the Safeguarding Lead at school?

Me like him rely on you thinking no one will believe you @idontknowwhattodonow26

He is physically and emotionally abusing you and I would suspect financially so also.

Talk to Women's Aid ASAP.

Talk to your midwife today.

They can help you escape with the children and give support after the birth.

You don't have to go to the police but it is wise to at the very least log the incidents so there is a record. God forbid he escalates, but these men often do and next time he could do serious harm or worse.

I would not want him near me post c section when you’re even more vulnerable and at risk of injury after major surgery. You need to get out before this.

Give your midwife a call at the next opportunity he’s not around and ask for an additional appointment to talk properly.
Is there a way to start building up a bit of money? Open an account in your name and start withdrawing small amount of cash if you can to deposit in it.

How are you today OP? Been thinking of you and hope you manage to speak to someone today. You can do this 🌻

Change the locks and don't let him back. Contact womens aid and the police.

Take the child to school, then contact your midwife.
Self refer to physio if that is available in your area, if you haven’t already. In my area pregnancy makes it urgent as you have less medication options.
Consider a coil or sterilisation after your baby is born.

You feel alone OP, but you are in the same situation as 20,000 women a year.

Talk to your health professionals - midwife/GP.

Ive been a single mum and it is hard work in a practical sense. But it is SO much easier emotionally than waiting for someone to help you who is never going to or is actively hurting you.

You will likely get more offers of external help if people know you have recently separated from your partner than if they think he is at home doing his part while he’s actually abusing and undermining you.

If you can leave sooner I would think that you will have a nicer experience of your remaining pregnancy and the postnatal period than with him there too. But it is hard to leave and not straightforward but even if you can only make plans to leave for the future then at the very least your mind can switch to knowing you aren’t relying on him and you can stop expecting help and support.

The worst advice. You do not make an angry man furious by changing the locks on his own house. This isn’t legal and isn’t good advice

OP I have similar experience PM me if you want.

There are people in real life that can help you, but you will need to tell them first.

There are loads of suggestions in this thread of people that you could tell, could you let the cleaning and tidying go for today and try to talk to someone about what is going on? They can't help you if they don't know about you, and their job is to deal with situations like this. They do it every day, it's what they do. You won't shock them.

Take one step today in the direction you want to go. Just one step.

Being alone will be easier and safer than being with someone who actively sabotages your sleep and pushes you over during your pregnancy.

You could have hit your head when he pushed you over, been brain damaged or had your neck break, then what for your kids?

You need to leave.

I agree, and I don't think that the OP has clarified her housing position, I might have missed that bit though. Also, she has said that she has limited finances.