I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

Jesus Christ. Single parenthood with him doing 50/50 is better than this life. I don't understand his game plan but to drive you away? You need to document the abuse, call the police that he pushed you. All he sees is you taking his abuse and no repercussions for him, absolutely dreadful. Please please please look after your and your children and stop putting g up with this.

A work colleague's wife wasn't coping with their DC (one with high needs SEND) and SS have been very helpful, they're not just there to remove kids. She's had a lot of support including befrienders/respite hours with a childminder and it's made a huge difference to them.

They may be able to help OP with initial support while she recovers from the birth. I had a rough last C section due to the surgical adhesions from the 1st one and it took me a good 7/8 weeks to fully recover from.

You don't need to work out why he's doing this. It's like a horrible spell you've been put under, it's calculated and destructive and it works, this is not your fault, that's what you have to remember. There are so many women who have been or will be in this situation in their life, clever, kind, competent, independent women, and it wasn't their fault either. It's real, and it is happening and it is not your fault.

Can you make an online report to the police with photos of your bruises so it's on record should he try to come back? If you can tell just one person today, that will make it real and easier to get a bit of momentum to get the support you need.

Well done, keep going, you're doing the right thing, this won't go away on it's own, you need to keep pushing.

You're right that this is abuse.

Different situation but my mother never stood up to my dad when he was beating us, and years later told me she thought of leaving him.

I wish she had, even if it meant becoming a single parent. Much better than than growing up with an unpredictable, violent or abusive male.

They are seeing how he treats you. If you accept it, then they learn deep in their core that this is normal and acceptable. The girls will expect to be badly treated and won't question it, and the boys are much more likely to become abusers themselves.

Often when a boy in the house becomes a young teenager they often become a target for paternal abuse too.

When you find help or leave (no matter how hard that is), you show them strength and give them a belief that horrible circumstances can be changed if they make a choice.

Keep yourself and your children safe as this will only get worse after the delivery, when you will be even more vulnerable, and as time goes on and he perceives your children as more of a threat to his authority.

He treats you awfully and maybe safeguarding input is just what he needs to sort out his unacceptable behaviour. Shame is a great motivator for change.

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing. It is so hard but you have your home, you have your children, you can do this.

I know it's so much easier said than done, emotionally as well as practically. You once loved him enough to marry him, or thought you did, but he has killed that with his behaviour.

My (thankfully ex-) stepfather was a bit like this, absolutely delightful to everyone else, horrible within the home. These men are not uncommon, unfortunately.

You can do this.

He is abusive. Physically abusive (pushing his pregnant partner & causing bruises). Emotionally abusive (the way he makes you feel and the way that he talks to you. And the sleep depravation thing is torture. Like, it's an actual torture method. He is a cruel and horrid man.

You need to disclose all you've told us to a trusted person and I agree with other posters that this should absolutely be your midwife (a safe space, your partner already knows you have to go to these appointments, she will have knowledge about the next best steps locally and how to support you), Women's Aid (this is their area of expertise and they have a range of ways to access their advice and support and you can find your local contacts here: I need help - information and support on domestic abuse).

I would also tell your children's school. We have had parents reach out to us at our primary and we've been been able to signpost them to support (short and long term) but also been able to reassure the parent, and get the full picture for how we can best support their child/children in school. It's also helpful to know in case the abusive parent tries to communicate with the school.

I am so sorry that you're experiencing this and this doesn't have to be your life from here on. I understand your worries about coping without another adult around, the financial and housing sides of things, all especially with so many young children and an impending birth. However, there is a way, there is help and support.

Has he isolated you from your friends? It sounds like he's likely a coercive controller and this is part of that playbook.

Well done, op. You’re doing brilliantly.

Don't try and work out why he does or doesn't do things. It will just add to your stress and you will never truely understand. Decent caring people can never understand abusers because we just don't think the same way. It's all down to his inadequacy and failings and nothing to do with your or your actions, that's all you need to know.
Having your own exclusive housing is a great start for you. That's your first achievement right there. You can now exclude him and if he tries to force entry it's a police matter. So you now have your own space to sleep and rest.
Get some advice about restricted pick up from school so you know your children won't be taken to his mother's house.

Why isn't he on the tenancy agreement? Is he the dad of all your children?

He doesn't sound like a great guy, in any way.

Hope you can read some good advice upthread about how to be without him in your home.

I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be okay.

Consider yourself hugged! 🤗

I can't stop thinking about you, this is so hard. I feel so bad your in this situation, he needs to leave. You will shock yourself at what you will manage on your own with 4 beautiful children. It will be hard a first but think of the long run when your in your home and able to feel like you again. none of this anxiety, fear and dread feeling, you will be able to go to bed when you want to without waiting for him to storm in and keep you awake... Please seek help xxxxx

You're doing SO well OP, keep going.

I wouldn't worry about cleaning/tidying much beyond the absolute bare minimum for hygiene.

Focus on keeping kids safe and fed, getting some rest and building energy to ask for help ASAP - Women's Aid (he is an abuser), Midwife, whatever it takes.
Keep him out of the house.

Even if you don't have a great relationship with your brother I'm sure he would help you in a crisis (which this is).

Life will get better!

I know you said your dad is elderly and frail but how is your relationship with him? Is there any way he can help, eg financially?

Is there anybody at all around who can support you? It's awful that you feel so isolated.

This. Such good advice

I personally don't think that's anyone's business but hers.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He won't change, he gets a kick out of mistreating you. Also, the kids will learn that the way he's treating you is acceptable.

It might seem terrifying being a single parent to four kids, but isn't that essentially what you are now?

OP ignore the scare mongering about social services. I had to self refer to my local MASH team recently during the summer because of my ex husbands MH and I found them helpful in terms of offering clarity and advice. I didn’t need actual intervention or physical support, but to have an agency supporting me with decisions to not allow the children to see him unsupervised, my safety, discussions with the school it was helpful. Also for my husband to understand how serious things had got, that SS were concerned and would be considering intervention if I wasn’t seen as such a protective factor. I’m not suggesting they have the resources to make these loads better, but they gave me a lot of peace of mind.

my husband left 3 months ago. Things are hard but hard in an understandable way when you are single parenting. But knowing that I have peace of mind that my evening won’t be unpredictable, I won’t walking on egg shells for the sake of the children etc etc is just such a relief.

I just wanted to say how impressed I am with all you've achieved OP. Sorting the house out and decorating while heavily pregnant, with 3 small children and in the throes of a messy break up? You obviously have incredible grit and resilience.

Have you spoken to your MW yet? I'd be focusing on what support might be available to you in the immediate post p

artum period.

How well do you know the other school parents? Are there any nearby who could take your eldest to school? Also, could you get your second eldest into preschool or some kind of nearby childcare? Would be amazing if there was a childminder just round the corner with immediate capacity, wouldn't it. Unlikely, but you never know. You know that you can get 85% of your childcare fees paid if you're on UC, right?

Have you eaten today? Yogurt is easy, or cereal.

Tell the HA you’re having issues with him, so he shouldn’t come back to the house-I have a funny feeling it will be considered the ’marital home’, so he may be allowed to be there. However, please contact the police to give them the heads up that he’s violent and abusive. See what benefits you can get if he’s gone. https://www.entitledto.co.uk

Even if you don't have a great relationship with your brother, he will likely be outraged that your husband abuses you. Sit down with your brother and SIL and tell them everything you wrote here.

Your husband doesn't hate you, he's abusive. Abusive men treat their wives like that, no matter who the wife is. If he remarries he will do it to the next wife too. This behaviour with you will also escalate - for now it's name-calling, pushing and sleep deprivation, but he will likely start hitting you soon. It may start after you give birth and are most vulnerable.

There is a film on Amazon which shows very accurately the mechanism of abuse. It follows a couple from the moment they meet and how the man's behaviour escalates into greater abuse and violence. It's in Polish but you can watch it with English subtitles. It costs £6 to rent but it's really worth it. It's called "Home Sweet Home". It was released last year and it caused a huge debate in Poland. People were discussing it for months because it depicts the mechanism of domestic abuse so accurately according to victims and psychologists. The man in the film was showing all of the behaviours which you described, but they escalated way further over time

I think i am too overwhelmed today to reach out to anyone, but as I said I do have a midwife appointment tomorrow so I will discuss things with her then. In a few days once things have settled a bit more I will reach out to my brother. For those asking about my dad, he could help financially, he has loads of money but he won't help. He isnt a nice man unfortunately and our relationship became very strained after my mum died and I was left to organise everything and he didnt give a shit to put it bluntly. He was abusive to my mum really when I look back and think about things.
I have done most of the tidying and cleaning. Sorted some washing out, picked up toys, swept and mopped and got the windows open etc to get in some fresh air so the house feels much better. I have an hour until I need to set off to do the school run so I'm just going to have a sit down and try to eat something.
I have packed up some of his clothes etc for his mum to collect later and he has said he definitely wants a divorce which I can apply for and get the fee paid as I am on UC. We dont have any money or assets to split so should be fairly straight forward, I just dont feel ready to do it today. He could do it himself but obviously he won't, he wants to torture me by leaving me something else to be responsible for.
I have a god mum who I did have a good relationship with after my mum died but we haven't spoken for a while, but I think if I reached out to her she would listen and help where she could, even if its just sitting with the kids whilst I get shopping done or appointments if shes available. But again, I dont feel ready to reach out yet I just want to let things settle and feel a bit stronger.

I was in your position OP but with a one year old and almost three year old.

I am also young like you in my early 30s and one day just thought this is wrong because my children are growing and more aware and so witnessing the abuse which will do so much damage.

It has been 8 months since we have left him, police were involved and we are in no contact with him

It is very tough, the mornings, school run, bedtime etc. BUT when we are good it's pure bliss and my life is so peaceful now. I am so happy and glowing because no one is putting me down or hurting me, and it will only get better :)

Fincancially I am struggling, however, we still eat delicious yummy home cooked meals, kids have lovely age appropriate toys and activities, nice clothes etc. So just believe in yourself and you can make it work.

Leave him, and you will wish you did so sooner x

You are doing amazing - look how far you have come since your first post. You have a plan - speak to midwife tomorrow and reach out to god mum when you feel able. You can take time now to let the dust settle. All you have to do now is care for the children, care for yourself, and hold the line ❤️

@idontknowwhattodonow26 are you able to record his abusive phone calls? Just to help build up evidence if needed. As said early, we believe you, Women's Aid and your MW will believe you.
My father was similar, always angry and swearing in the house but the life and soul of wherever he went outside. It's known as 'street angel, hearth devil' I think.
You sound amazing and I hope you can see that, I wish you well even if it is tough at first.
Please continue to post so we can offer support and encouragement and share your celebrations as you move on with your life 💐

You're doing brilliantly. Do call your god mum. Having someone in your corner could be really what you need.

Or just send her a short text. Doesn't need to be a long one with the full story. Ask her how she's doing?