I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

This is awful. OP, you need to leave him. It doesn't sound safe to stay with him tbh.

Is there anyone - anyone at all - you can confide in IRL? Or has he isolated you from literally everyone? If so you need to start by speaking to Women's Aid. They can help and advise you. You have nothing to lose by speaking to them.

My DD is a Midwife and they're specially trained to help women in situations like this so please open up on your next appointment. She said it's horribly common that men become abusive when their partner becomes more vulnerable.

You don't have to tolerate this cruelty and abuse.

Please Please Please speak to either woman's aid or the GP it will be completely confidential, you need to get out of this relationship, its not a relationship at this point, its prison and toucher, he has no right to push you, talk to you the way he does, and make you feel like this.... speak to the children school and im sure they will help you with getting them their and back. One of the teachers would be more then happy to help you out especially with having a new born and c section.

Reach out and ask for help! there is no shame in asking!!

To deprive someone of sleep is actually a form of torture. It will affect your mind and your body, so that you can't think straight.
There has been some excellent advice on here, some from people who have gone through similar experiences. Please take their advice, as you really need this vile man out of your life ASAP.
Sending hugs and love to you. xx

You are safer and better off alone with 4 children than being constantly abused.
the lack of sleep and pregnancy can do awful things to your mental health. You don’t want to end up harming yourself or worse (think ppp).
please please seek support

Please get help OP. The physical abuse will only get worse, and you and your children will suffer a great deal. There is help out there.

He shoved you, pregnant. This kind of behaviour only escalates. You need to leave him for the safety of the children and yourself. However I've been there myself, I was married to an abusive man and they get into your head and wear you down. Please talk to your midwife and talk to a domestic abuse helpline. BUT don't tell him you're leaving him, plan a quiet exit. Women who tell the man they're leaving are at greater risk from violent men.
Support networks come in all shapes and sizes. Health visitor, doctor, midwife, charities, mother and baby groups, online communities.
He shoved you. He could have endangered you and the baby not to mention what would you do if you needed a hospital stay because he injured you? If you have any bruising take photos AND tell your GP so it goes on your record.
You can do this.

If he's pushed you over and you have bruises you should report him to the police. It's DV and he would have to leave (I think). The rest of it is psychological violence and it's going to make you ill. I feel exhausted just reading your thread and don't know how you cope.

Please get help and get this awful man out of your life and please don't get pregnant again.

I haven't had chance to read all replies but please seek help as soon as you can. It is known that domestic violence can increase when a woman is pregnant and newly post partum. What help is he going to be when you're recovering from a c section if he is like this now? Leaving or ending a relationship also increases risk so it is best to get advice and support from services so you and your children can be as safe as possible.

If you feel able to, go into reception at school and explain you need to speak to someone, they can then support you to contact agencies for support.

Alternatively, could you contact DV charities on the way back from the school run? Is there a bench or quiet spot you could stop to rest and make phone calls?

I know it will be hard, but getting support and a plan in place will be the best thing for you and your children in the longer term.

You're pregnant, he pushes you over?
He may kill you. Then your kids will be worse off.
You aren't eating so are putting yourself at more risk.
Leave. Go to a shelter. Call the police.
But go.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to reply.
I managed to get the eldest to school this morning as we were all up on time anyway, we were a bit late but not the end of the world.
Re my housing situation, its a HA house and only my name on the tenancy luckily so he cant technically refuse to leave. He didn't come back last night, he is at his mums. He has been vile this morning on the phone and he is obviously very angry but I cant understand why, if he doesn't love me or care he should be glad if the marriage ends. I got a bit of sleep last night so dont feel as exhausted today. I need to sort some stuff in the house but I did a bit last night so its not as overwhelming today.
I have an appointment with the midwife tomorrow.
Somebody asked about a c section and unfortunately due to 2 previous sections and surgery after the miscarriage last year there were complications so the midwife has said a planned section will likely be the safer option. I would've tried for a VBAC for a quicker recovery but the risks of uterine rupture etc are very high and all the unknowns I feel its safer to opt for the section. I'm also thinking if they're already in there they can do sterilisation at the same time which regardless i wouldn't want any more children so that would sort that out. I will have to speak to school to see what support is available with getting the eldest to and from school as I will be unable to do so for the first couple of weeks after.
There's so much stuff to work through and plan and figure out all the logistics for but I think once I make a start on something it will hopefully get better.

Best wishes, go easy on yourself. Have you heard of the Grey Rock technique, so you keep communications with a toxic person to the minimum they need to be. No discussions purely factual, to give yourself a bit more peace and headspace. Thinking of you

You don't have to listen to him on the phone, if he is vile. Put the phone down.
Pack his stuff and put it in front of the door.
My main worry is that you are very vulnerable - very dirty kitchen, house in a mess and you not eating for days. Do your kids eat 3 times a day? Do you serve them breakfast and dinner? I think you might need general help from services.

OP, you are doing great and that's great news that he has no right to remain in the house. He's angry because you are taking more control of the situation. Don't speak to him on the phone if you can avoid it, he will just upset you. Communicate via text messages only when you have to.

Please tell the midwife everything that has been happening when you have your appointment and find out what support is available.

Good luck xx

Can you leave a key in the door inside so he can't get back in?

Please talk to your MW tomorrow. And ask for help.

Social services may be able to offer you support over the coming weeks.

I believe you too. As someone said you sounds like a loving and caring person and sadly rather needy especially as you are pregnant with a child that he agreed to. Please value yourself enough to,get the help,that you desperately need. Give yourself a chance to grow away from this horrific situation. Hard to do but it will be an enormous relief.

My sister married a man who was absolutely charming on the surface but turned out to be extremely abusive at home with her. It's simply not worth it. You and your children matter. How do they react to their dad's behaviour?

He is furious because he knows he is losing control. It has nothing to do with him having loving feelings for you. Please be careful, OP.

Please believe everyone who is worried for you right now. And worried for the very real possibility that his abuse will escalate. Especially as your pregnancy progresses, and you become more vulnerable. Once new baby is here you will be at his mercy. Domestic abuse specialists know about this type of abuse and take it very seriously- his behaviour is high risk not just for you but also your children.
Contact police or social services asap please. This man has hurt you physically while you are pregnant and he is controlling you through pregnancy. This is v serious and also illegal. If you were robbed or you were hit by a car you would involve the police wouldn’t you? This is much more serious. I’m glad you are getting help and please take advice and support… thinking of you.

Please try and make sure he can’t return today. Get the locks changed if you can? I know it’s a housing association but could you call them and say it’s urgent as you and your family are in danger? I wouldn’t let this drag on another day. Good luck with everything. You do sound like a lovely caring person.

Just to add, in case you have this in the back of your mind:

He won’t change.

He might pretend to, or say he has. Don’t fall for it.

Ok, you know this abuse and it isn't you, it's on all on him, this is good that you realise this! Please contact women's aid. They will not force you to leave him or make any decisions but they are there to help you talk everything through and get a plan together.

I know you are worried about being on your own with 4 children but how much help does he actually give you?! At least if he isn't there you will be more rested which will help you mentally and physically and you will not be picking up after him or catering to him.

If you can get an app which monitors sleeping and records when there are noises. This will mean that every time he comes in and wakes you you have proof. If you are able to get any other recordings of him shouting at you etc too that would also be useful to keep as evidence if you need it.

You are not alone, you can come on here and speak to all of us! I've been in an abusive relationship before, although he used different tactics to your husband. I had lost touch with all my friends and was isolated. You can get through this and yes it will be tough but day to day there won't be the same anxiety around what he will do next to you. The first night after I left him I slept the deepest I had in years.

To the person who asked about the kitchen etc, its not that bad. Now im home and ive seen it in this light theres just a lot of stuff everywhere as like I said I spent the weekend decluttering and decorating the youngest children's bedroom so that's lovely. The eldest has a lovely bedroom as well and upstairs is perfectly tidy and clean etc. Bathroom is spotless as I am good at keeping on top of that. My room is a bit of a bomb site but that's vecause ive got stuff for the new baby everywhere and I have let my washing pile up whilst doing other things. The children are well fed, get breakfast, dinner, tea and snacks etc. They eat healthy and have proper food and fruit and things like that. They are clean and their clothes are clean. I just need to give the floor a good mop, I washed pots last night and wiped everything down properly. Its been hard because ive been the only one doing it. The living room is just full of toys but it is what it is.

He has told me he absolutely does not want to be with me, that he never has and I am ugly etc and disgusting. Hes said some very hurtful things but in a way it helps to know that's what he thinks of me, theres no illusion any more that its just struggling with kids and house chores and general life. He is a cruel person and I cant change that.
After my mum died, all I wanted was a proper family. I miss her so much. I have allowed myself to get into a bad situation through grieving and being vulnerable probably.
I am going to give myself an hour to just have a quick whizz round with the mop etc and hopefully once the house is in a bit more of an order that will help my head feel a bit clearer

Oh, also to add, he hasn't taken a key with him because I found it this morning. But i can leave the keys in the doors anyway so even if he had a key he wouldn't be able to get in. Where I live is quite secure and I dont have any cctv or anything myself but neighbours do.

My goodness. She's in the middle of a DV situation. You think she needs reporting to social services on top of everything else she's going through?

There are times where lots of people have a messy house. Doesn't mean they need services. She's 31 weeks pregnant with young kids and a violent partner. Cut her some slack

You are so much better off without him