I have come to the realisation my husband hates me

[idontknowwhattodonow26]

For context, I am in my 30s, we have been married for 2 years. I have 3 children and am 31 weeks pregnant with our fourth (unplanned but after a traumatic miscarriage last year we decided to go ahead). Our relationship hasn't been great for a while probably but I put it down to the stress of having young children and a lot on our plates, moving house stress etc.
However, during this pregnancy I have realised my husband doesn't love me. In fact. He hates me. The way he speaks to me now is awful, constantly talking at me and calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain. I have spent the weekend decorating, up a ladder, doing things to sort stuff for the kids and the new baby when it arrives. He did the bare minimum but wants to take credit for everything. I am exhausted, he keeps me awake at night on purpose. He hasn't slept in our bed for months now bevause he says I disturb him in the night but then he will barge in the room all night long asking why im making noises, what am I doing etc. I am so tired I cant think straight. I am in so much pain with sciatica and other issues. We dont have a car at the minute so the school run is (usually) a 30 minute walk. I was that sore this morning it took me an hour to walk back home after doing the school run. All I wanted to do was get in bed but my husband decided to walk out and leave me with the 2 younger ones so I couldn't go to bed. Now its almost time to leave for the school run and I honestly am sat here crying thinking about how awful its going to be.
I wish id never met him, had children with him
He makes me feel like I dont even exist, like im not a person. I have no friends or family. I am so alone and frightened and I know I wouldn't be able to cope by myself with a newborn after a c section and 3 young children with the school run and everything else. I cant see any way of this getting better. He despises me.
The way he looks at me, talks down to me, the things he says are pure evil. I am convinced he has had children with me purely to trap me and keep me in a state of vulnerability (pregnancy, post partum etc) and I feel so stupid that I didn't wise up to this sooner. I actually had an appointment to discuss a termination of this pregnancy and he talked me out of it and begged and said all the right things and after the miscarriage it felt so wrong and now I am trapped and its too late.
If it wasn't for my children I would walk off somewhere and never come back. I have no money, no support system. Nothing. The younger ones sleep routine is atrocious because he stays up late with them at night and its a vicious cycle as if I try and fix it, we get a couple of good nights then it all goes to pot again.
I want to sleep. I want to not be in pain. I want to be free. But I know that I cant because I dont have any help. If I involved the police or any DV charities etc it would all blow up but then realistically id be left as a single mum to 4 children completely alone.
I dont know what the point of this post is but yeah. My husband despises me and I dont know why or what I have done but its killing me

OP, can you name three things that this man is going to do to help when your baby is born and you have the other children to sort?

Please, please contact the national domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247 or contact them via live chat if that easier (also sometimes quicker). They will listen to you, validate you and help you think through your options. They will not force you into any actions you don't want to take.

Your husband sounds like such a cold and calculating bastard I really feel you should speak to the helpline so there's something on record about his abuse.

If you can do it safely you should record his abuse. Store in on your phone in a passworded album.
if you don’t know how to do that then ask ai

Im so sorry OP but if your partner is violent - hurting you and controlling you. He is nothing more than a criminal. His behaviour is illegal and you, your children, your baby are all in danger of harm. Please speak to your midwife, GP or someone in your child’s school- preferably the designated safeguarding officer. This is a safeguarding issue.

@Shoobadadoo . I also said she should call the police. Why should she move out? He's the the abusing twat.

I am really sorry this seems very tough for you . Try and eat something , even if it is only some soup / some juice . Try little and often , if you can’t face a big meal .
I think you need to be really careful at this stage as your partner will be angry . Please speak to your Dr / midwife for an urgent appointment . Be very explicitly re the nature of your issues - this is an extremely urgent situation and you should see someone today . State that you haven’t been able to eat and why . As others have said , get details on record of your recent injury and the fact he is not letting you sleep .Think of any other incidents , he has abused you , can be financial , verbal , coercive . When have you felt frightened for you and your children .

Please also consider phoning the police and woman’s aid .
Take care , you aren’t alone x

@idontknowwhattodonow26 which part of the uk are you based? We might be able to find local charities to you x

This is awful to read - you are in an abusive relationship and need support. Reach out a domestic abuse organisation to explore your options

This is dreadful, I'm so sorry you are going through this. As others have said, please please speak to someone - just one person. Your midwife, GP, or a member of staff at the school. Or call a helpline. There is support out there for you. You feel helpless but you are not.

But you and your children are not safe in this situation.

Sending you strength xx

He sounds bloody awful. Does he work? So even though he left yesterday, will he be out of the house for a bit at work? I think you need to ring Women’s Aid and I’d also be totally honest with the school. You need as many people as possible helping you.

Report pushing over to your midwife & GP

Get contraception

Start asking for help

So much good advice on this thread regarding police, Women’s Aid, DV charities, speaking to GP and midwife, even school, please please speak to someone like this as soon as you get chance.

This is abuse sadly.

Trying to shift your perspective, I know you’re scared of doing this on your own but you already are, except it’s much harder currently because he is being constantly abusive. Whereas if you leave, you won’t have that constant abuse, you will be doing what you are now but with support there, you are doing so incredibly well and you’re being so brave speaking out. It’s always the first step that is the hardest, but now hopefully you’ve said it out loud it gives you further courage to speak to someone above who can get you out of the situation into a much better place with support physically, mentally, emotionally and financially too. You will be in a better place and it will get better.

This is just the beginning ❤️

Hi OP, you sound completely overwhelmed and defeated and that’s completely understandable.
You are being abused both physically and emotionally by someone who lacks any empathy towards you yet hides all this behind a mask to the outside world.
This points a personality disorder on his part, and in short, it absolutely will not get better.
Your nervous system will be in absolute overload right now and that’s going to make taking action feel a million times harder, but you’re going to need to dig really deep to pull yourself and your children out of this situation.
Practical steps will be to contact a domestic abuse charity, the police, and obtain legal assistance.
If you don’t have friends or family to rely on, you’ll need to seek out these services - this is literally what they are here for.
Right now it feels completely overwhelming and exhausting, and that is making you think you won’t be able to cope as a single mother.
But can I assure you that in the peace and the silence of a single parent household you’ll be able to actually relax, regulate yourself, and calm your nervous system.
You will find it much easier to tap into the strength within you that’s currently buried under a mountain of abuse and exhaustion.
Of course it’s never easy being a single parent (or parenting in general!) but I can assure you it will be far more manageable than your current situation.

You need to do this not only for you, but for your kids.
You only need to read the posts on here from parents of teenagers who have no respect for them and treat them abusively, because they grew up witnessing it from their Dad to their Mum and have learned that’s how you treat women. I know that’s harsh but it’s a fact - your abusive husband will have a very negative affect on your kids (even if he’s not abusing them too, which I truly hope isn’t the case).
Please keep posting here and ask us for any guidance/support you might need 🩷

I’m currently helping a friend out of a situation with a man just like this. The best advice I can give you is to record everything. You don’t need to sit down with a journal and write it out, even just setting your phone to record his abuse will be enough evidence. A man like this will eventually kill you. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it’s true. It took my friend a while to realise it but she’s out now and has had so much help and support from the police and domestic violence charities. It’s a hard road but it’ll be worth it for you and your children.

I'm sorry, OP, this sounds horrendous. You need to look after yourself for the sake of your unborn baby, and the other 3 who need you. Please make sure you eat, you need the energy and baby needs it more 💐

OP, print your first post and take it with you to a midwife appointment. Call and arrange one urgently. Tell her you need help. Hand her the printout or read it out or use it to keep you on track. I know phoning people can be very hard to do so I would try for face to face.

There are many kind women who want to help you and your children, please call your midwife and Women's Aid.
Try and have something to eat like some soup and toast or even just a cup of tea and biscuits.
It will get better if you ask for help x

You'll be believed. All the Agency that will help you are used to this situation of outward looking like a great person but abusive in the home. They know the patterns of behaviour of abusive men. Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon so they know how to help.
Get all the help you can. They exist to help people in your situation.

Midwives are there to help and look out for this sort of thing. Use that help. Get him out.

Do you have to have a c section? I have a partner but he had to go back to work the day after I gave birth and I found it okay to manage all 3 (under 5’s) on my own but if I’d had a c section I would have obviously struggled a lot more!

Are there any school mums who may help out? I definitely would in this situation. You will definitely be happier and find it easier parenting alone than with the atmosphere this horrible man causes. ❤️

Please document/photograph any injury from last week and also start recording him when he is being abusive and keeping you up at night. Keep a diary (not on your phone in case he damages it). I would contact Womens Aid or any other domestic violence charity in your area. They will be able to help and advise you who to report this to. Without wanting to frighten you, his behaviour will only escalate. Life will be better without him, not only for you but for your children.

Please document/photograph any injury from last week and also start recording him when he is being abusive and keeping you up at night. Email the recordings to yourself so you can access them from an email account.
Keep a written diary (not on your phone in case he damages it). I would contact Womens Aid or any other domestic violence charity in your area. They will be able to help and advise you who to report this to. Without wanting to frighten you, his behaviour will only escalate. Life will be better without him, not only for you but for your children.

I’m so so sorry! Sending so much love your way! You don’t deserve any of it, you are worth so much more and his behaviour is inexcusable. Your husband is abusive but from your post, I think you already know that. Do you have some family support? Are you likely to return to work post maternity leave? Worth quietly exploring your options to leave and getting things in order. The physical abuse is likely to escalate, so worth speaking to a trusted family member, the GP, women’s aid and domestic violence charities to start planning as soon as possible!

Contact the police while you still have bruises. There is an online form to report, if you prefer.

You need a paper trail to keep this man away from you in the future.

calling me names. He pushed me over last week when we were arguing about something and I am still bruised and in pain.

Sorry to hear. Please please Show bruises to your midwife today. And gp.ask for support and signposting to local services. And support.

He needs to be removed. It will only get worse. And more dangerous. Please dont hang on speak up now and ask for help.