There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

Can someone link the first thread please?

Do you think OP that you’re looking back on previous holidays with rose-tinted glasses? Can you remember any instances from previous holidays where you felt as if you were walking on egg-shells, or where he was impatient or selfish? Remembering the bad times might help you get a bit of perspective and making it hurt less now.

Also, I think anyone would miss the presence of another adult while on holiday with DC. I think maybe deep down, part of it is perhaps less about actually missing HIM but just missing the company of another adult to wind down with. If you had a good friend there with you, I bet it wouldn’t feel so hard.

Things WILL get easier, even if you can’t see it just yet 💐

Here you go - IIRC there are four threads in total before this current one we’re using now. This was the first - you should be able to link through to the rest from here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5529293-husband-said-he-wants-to-split-up-and-ive-been-totally-blindsided?page=1

Probably some part of me is looking back at everything with rose tinted glasses on, but there were some good, happy times too. The entire relationship wasn’t unhappy. I have felt like driving home at times as it’s felt so lonely. My 4 year old daughter’s behaviour has left a lot to be desired which has made the whole time so far, more stressful.

I’ve been thinking about the most stupid things, such as when he moves on, he will probably treat them amazingly as he will actually like them and want to be with them and it makes me feel sick. It’s the cycling between feeling like I’m accepting things and then this again, that is becoming harder and harder to deal with. I do feel as though a holiday, as lovely as it sounds in theory, has been too soon for me. I just feel completely stuck at the moment and would probably feel better if I was at home, in my own environment.

You can go home.

If that is the best place for you to love and look after yourself and your children, you can go home. The little ones won't know the difference and you can explain to the older ones that you have a lovely thing you want to do with them at home, so let's go and have fun doing that instead!

Even if it's just inviting your parents over for a paddle in the pool and a picnic in the back garden, if it gets you to a place where you feel safe and secure - do it.

...and don't get hung up on the money - it's not worth spending money to make yourself feel crap. If you need to be home, forfeiting a couple of days away is a small price to pay.

Holidays are tough because you see other ‘happy’ families with two parents and it doesn’t seem fair.

Please try not to worry about the future and live in the moment. I suspect they will know that they can always trust and love you but things might be a bit less consistent with their dad. You have already taken them on holiday and have made sure that they have comfy places to sleep in both houses. It’s not a competition, but you just keep doing what you are doing and they will feel secure and contained with you as their wonderful mum.

Or @mummy917 do you have a friend or one of your family you could call to join you for a day or two?

I say this kindly - if you’re struggling on holiday (no surprise alone with 4 kids and out of your home environment) then go home.

Use all your energy today and have a wonderful day with the kids…and then pack up and go home to your safe and familiar surroundings.

It’s been a lot. Give yourself permission to accept that you’re not superwoman xx

@mummy917 am I right in thinking your parents are on holiday with you, or are you on your own? If you are on your own is there anyone who could come and join you for the last day or two? Maybe a friend or a family member. If you are with your parents have you told them how much you are struggling, maybe they could help a bit more. Maybe divide and conquer the children a little bit. Someone could take the 4 year old off for a bit of 1 on 1 attention maybe.

With regards to your daughter, I know you’ve said before she’s struggling adjusting the most. Would it be worth enquiring about play therapy when you get home for her? It’s a bit adjustment for her just as she’s got the change to big school too and maybe a little outside help might help her.

My parents are with us and are doing their best but they aren’t in the best of physical health so are limited with what they can do with the twins and my 4 year old mainly wants me. I feel guilty that if I take them home, my parents will be disappointed we’ve left and for the kids obviously too for cutting their holiday short.

I honestly don’t think you notice how many families and couples you actually see, until you’re in a situation like this and it seems as though they’re all you notice.

my three are in their 40s now but still talk so often about the holidays I took them on when they were young. Yes it’s hard as a single parent - and I took mine away entirely on my own - but don’t underestimate the memories your children are making this week.

OP you are still in the grieving process. I have put a “copied” statement below hope it helps. You are a great mum btw and deserve this holiday don’t also let him ruin your family time sending a hug

Common emotional stages (which don’t always happen in order) include:

• Shock or numbness: “This can’t be happening.” You may feel disconnected or emotionally flat.
• Denial: Hoping they’ll come back, replaying conversations, or struggling to accept the breakup.
• Anger: Feeling hurt, resentful, or angry at your ex, yourself, or the situation.
• Bargaining: Thinking “If only I’d done this differently…” or imagining ways to repair the relationship.
• Sadness: Crying, loneliness, loss of motivation, changes in appetite or sleep, and missing the future you imagined together.
• Acceptance: The pain gradually becomes less intense. You begin focusing on your own life again and can think about the relationship without feeling overwhelmed.

It’s also common to:

• Have good days followed by unexpectedly difficult days.
• Miss your ex even if you know the breakup was the right decision.
• Feel anxious, rejected, or worry about being alone.
• Experience physical symptoms like fatigue, trouble sleeping, or loss of appetite.

How long does it last? There isn’t a fixed timeline, but many people notice:

• First few weeks: Usually the most emotionally intense.
• 1–3 months: Strong emotions often begin to ease, though reminders can still trigger sadness.
• 3–6 months: Many people feel significantly better and start enjoying life again.
• 6–12 months or longer: If the relationship was very long, deeply committed, or ended unexpectedly, healing may take a year or more.

Healing is rarely a straight line. You might feel fine for weeks and then have a difficult day after hearing a song or seeing a photo. That doesn’t mean you’re “back to square one”—it’s a normal part of grieving. What helps recovery?

• Allow yourself to feel your emotions rather than suppressing them.
• Lean on supportive friends or family.
• Maintain regular sleep, meals, and exercise as much as possible.
• Limit checking your ex’s social media if it keeps reopening the wound.
• Rediscover hobbies, interests, and routines that are just for you.
• Consider talking with a therapist if you’re struggling to cope.

I agree with other posters, it's all my part of the grieving process. Your new norm will feel much better in time when your whole being has adjusted to your new life.

Holidays I think are hard work at the best of time with young children, I always used to say, why do I choose to go and live somewhere for a week with fewer implements to help me cook etc! So don't be too hard on yourself.

I struggled with me friendship group, all my friends were married, happily, financially secure etc. I found it hard as their lives were so different to mine. But in time I've seen that we all have problems, some of us have divorce, some have death, some have ill health. My point is, you just have to power through until your heart and soul catch up with what has happened.

You'll not miss him at all soon, I'm sure of it.

Keep going op xx

Hi @mummy917 can you link the first thread. Thanks

My mum has a great story of when she was on holiday with my dad and two small children (me and my sibling). Another mum came over to her and said “how come you and your husband seem so happy? You’re so nice to each other and never argue?!” My mum replied “it’s because we’ve been divorced 18 months!” I know they’re situation is very different but just a reminder not to compare yourself to other couples/families OP xxx

@peace7 - here it is: Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided | Mumsnet. @mummy917 I hope you are able to keep your resolve; you have done so well and are worth much more than this spineless cretin.

I am sorry your holiday is not quite as you'd hoped and that your 4 year old is being a bit challenging. It won't always be like this.

Forgive me if this sounds a bit patronising - how about doing something on holiday that you would never normally do? Maybe something a little bit out of your comfort zone that you and the children could do together and where your parents could sit and watch with the smallest ones? Something like mini go-karting, where you could have a go as well?

I've just come back from holiday in Devon - it was too hot to do anything, so the dog and I sat beside a river with a book. There was a lovely family splashing about nearby and I was talking to them. They'd had a "day of random choices" in which the little girl had chosen pony trekking and her younger brother had chosen go-karting. The parent had got stuck in and done both with the children, completely out of their comfort zone, but they'd loved it, and said that it was one of the best days they'd had, with lots of laughter and the shared newness of the activities bringing enjoyment beyond screens and frayed tempers.

It doesn't need to be anything expensive. If you're at a beach or countryside site, maybe get your parents to draw up a "treasure hunt" of things you might find there (a yellow shell, a purple flower, a nut shell, etc) and see who can find them all first?

Sorry if these ideas sound sh~te. I just have found that, if I take the plunge and do something I wouldn't normally try, it can bring unexpected joys.

Stick with the holiday, even though it's not great at the moment. It's much better to look back and think "I really hated all that" rather than "I really wish I hadn't left early". It won't always be like this. xx

Don't assume because they have a husband / partner with them they are having a wonderful time .

We are in the Lake District so there’s lots of walking etc and taking them paddle boarding etc but it’s not stopped raining for long enough to do those things so far 🤣

We are travelling a bit further afield today and going to a beach as the weather seems better there than here.

I’m not sure if this is partly me reaching burnout too after the last few months and obviously firsts are hammering home just how much I’ve lost.

OP - I doubt the kids will know their holiday has been cut short unless there is a specific activity planned they were looking forward to. I would also let your parents know you’re struggling and just want to go home. Try not to assume how they will feel and second guess their response. From what you’ve said, they will probably just want to support you and their priority will most likely be you.

You are feeling low and probably very tired so naturally you’ve defaulted to the old habit of always putting others’ needs ahead of your own.

I live in the lakes ( about 7 miles from Keswick ) yes it's been showery for a few days but it's over in 20/30 minutes . What part are you in ?
It's cooler today and a bit more windy & changeable but I wouldn't go as far as to say
" it’s not stopped raining for long enough to do those things " as you have quoted .
Just embrace the weather and do them .

Travelling with kids is knackering. Single parenting is knackering. You've had the hay kicked out of you over the past couple of months. It's a lot. A hell of a lot.

The first holiday I took my kids on after my separation, I completely broke down by the pool one day just bawling. I was just so gutted that my XH had turned out to be such a shit and that I was now a single mother statistic. How could I have got it so wrong?

It's still early days for you. Be gentle with yourself. Make room for your feelings and know that you are not alone, even though it bloody feels like it.

I don’t think it’s any sort of regret to be honest. He will always think he had no fault in our marriage breaking down and he doesn’t seem to have a nice opinion of me anymore as it is.

I missed this on one of your earlier updates, OP. I've discovered men who leave have to do this to protect their mental image of themselves. You have to be the problem, you have to be the bad guy in this, you have to be the reason he left because otherwise he's just another sad f*cker walking out on his wife and kids and responsibilities and no self respecting bloke wants to be that man. In his head there's a million things he's made up to excuse what he's done to your little family. It's all bollocks, of course it is.

Hello @mummy917

i just came on here to say how incredibly tough what you're going through is. First holidays alone just suck!

i am a completely loan parent and ive definitely had moments in the summer that have made me sadder than when everyone is hibernating in jan or feb. It's so raw for you now, but it really will ease over time.

At some point you will look back on this period and you will be feeling so much better. This time will pass .... honestly 💪

I think going where there are strong memories is also adding to the difficulty.

I'm afraid I havent read the last thread, but I am wondering if you are taking something to help you sleep. Even Kalms or melatonin may help. Im a firm believer in these times of extreme life stress, if you can just manage to sleep through the 4am wake up and get a good stretch of sleep, everything else will follow into place. I read this book Strangers by Bella Burden. Her husband left her suddenly during lockdown really interesting and hopeful. Maybe it will immerse you and distract you in the evenings.

lots of love xx