There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

And this is sooooo true @BippidyBoppety - really agree with you x

(A couple of years after he moved out and into another relationship my ExDH said "you should have been a better wife". We were married 23 years - - talk about grasping at straws.... )

Nothing about him having to be a better husband then?!

@mummy917

Holidaying with 4 young children is really tough!! You’re living life in an environment that is not as suitable and practical for your needs!!

I’m really glad you have some other adult company and some extra hands. I wonder though how much extra work they’re also making for you? Cognitively if nothing else!

Yeah, it may have been too soon. You don’t know unless you try. Well done for trying!! And like you say, you’re surrounded with ‘happy’ families. I think that’d be tough even if it was later. It’ll hurt less after more exposure to it.

Of course your marriage wasn’t all bad, you’re human to miss the good bits too. Grief takes a long time to adapt to.

Maybe scale down expectations on it and yourself? Less really is sometimes more. And do talk to your parents about how you’re feeling so you’re not so alone in it at least.

Maybe start planning a new type of holiday that would suit you, and yourself family unit, better? It changes as the kids get older obviously. Do you have friends who would do a few days away with you all?

I hope you manage to make the best of it somehow, and even if we enjoy going away, it’s often still nice to go home! If nothing else, I hope the return is good for you if nothing else.

I missed this on one of your earlier updates, OP. I've discovered men who leave have to do this to protect their mental image of themselves. You have to be the problem, you have to be the bad guy in this, you have to be the reason he left because otherwise he's just another sad fcker walking out on his wife and kids and responsibilities and no self respecting bloke wants to be that man. In his head there's a million things he's made up to excuse what he's done to your little family. It's all bollocks, of course it is.*

Absolutely. My ex left me for an OW, then once I got back on my feet and met a new guy, I heard on the grapevine that my ex was telling people that I left HIM for the new guy. I had to content myself with knowing that the important people knew the truth, and I didn't know new guy existed when I split from ex-DH.

Ex-DH signed my divorce petition regarding his adultery, but that never quite sunk in .....

Think about how he has always treated you. You’ve lost nothing, you’ve gained the opportunity to build a life where your loved, respected and happy.

You are exhausted. Don’t feel obliged to be happy, to have an incredible time, or anything else.
Just be.
Notice the views, notice that ice cream is nice, notice that the clouds are making a funny pattern in the sky.

This is a new phase, it used to be nice when your ex was behaving nicely. It’s a new phase now. He’s an arsehole whether he’s with you or not.

It’s a new phase, where you organise your life a bit differently and find things that work for you, your parents and your children.

Maybe one of your parents could babysit of an evening, while you and the other go for a drink or a walk.

Are there starry skies? I really want to go somewhere with a good night sky. Or a wild swim.

@mummy917

Probably some part of me is looking back at everything with rose tinted glasses on, but there were some good, happy times too. The entire relationship wasn’t unhappy.

Of course you have good memories! And there's nothing wrong with remembering them when the time is right. I have many wonderful memories of my marriage. I take them out and look at them from time to time, why wouldn't I? These memories (good and bad) are part of who we are. For you, for now, the trick is not to linger too long with them if they're causing you pain or self doubt. If so, remember they'll always be there but for now, put them on the top shelf of your 'memory closet'. It's been long enough for me now that I can look at those memories with a smile on my face. They no longer cause me pain or make me doubt my decisions. You'll get there, it'll just take some more time.

I’ve been thinking about the most stupid things, such as when he moves on, he will probably treat them amazingly as he will actually like them and want to be with them and it makes me feel sick.

My DS1 went through two horrible traumas within about 18 months. He almost died in a traffic accident then discovered his wife was cheating on him. He said the most important thing he learnt (and passed on to me after I left esDH) was "That's a tomorrow problem". Can you do anything today about the way Twat will treat your DC in the future? No. So, that's a tomorrow problem. Put it on the shelf with those memories. You aren't telling yourself to 'forget about that', you're simply telling yourself that you will deal with it when it happens, and not before. It takes practice, but it works.

I’m not sure if this is partly me reaching burnout too after the last few months and obviously firsts are hammering home just how much I’ve lost.

Could be. Or perhaps you're trying to deal with too many emotional things that need to be packed away for a bit longer. At any rate, it may not be a bad thing to be away from home. Try to tell yourself "I'll deal with things later, when I get home" and focus on the immediate 'now'. Don't rush home just to deal with them. You have plenty of time for that.

Over the last 18 months I've discovered that if I take things slowly, setting aside what isn't an 'immediate need' I can approach the hard emotional stuff more quietly and calmly. Before now, that would have been so against my nature as I was a 'get it ALL done yesterday, handle it now' person. Now I'm more a 'give it time to resolve itself, think about it later when you aren't frazzled' kind of person. I think I like the new me better.

What comes across in all your posts is that you tend to be hard on yourself and set the bar way too high. Maybe that makes it hard to trust the process. You're allowed to mourn the marriage, if it had been terrible you would have been the one to leave for the kids' sake.

Situations like yours are also opportunities to rediscover yourself, especially if you (rightly) thought of him as a part of you in some way, being the father of your kids.

@AcrossthePond55 sounds like you have a lovely wise son. Im going to remember his saying, thanks for sharing. OP i hope you realise how much everyone on this site is rooting for you and your not alone, keep posting to get you through we all need support sometimes X

In my experience they don't change, they might become a bit of a disney dad but its not real and it doesnt last. He was a selfish husband and selfish father his needs come first that won't change.
Your children will know consistency and calm with you they will know who to turn to through out their life and it won't be him.

I'm sorry OP, I wish I could take the melancholy away. Just Breath deeply, try & take time to look at the view, take in the clean air, try & take your eldest two & just hug them. They may need a little "one to one" time. (Not easy I know)
On the plus side, you have been to this location before so you know what to do & where to go, instead of having another new challenge.
I wouldn't rush home, you've got all winter to be home, & although you want to crawl back into your safe cocoon, you will feel pride that you didn't, You are managing it all fine.
I hope he's fucking miserable alone, doing circuits round in his living room. Don't respond to his message. he's deliberately trying to mess with your head.

We are in the Southern Lakes and while yes I could go walking in the rain, I think the youngest 3 would protest endlessly even though we have came prepared with walking boots, waterproof clothes etc 🤣

No, I’m going to stick out the rest of the holiday as we’ve now only got one more full day left here tomorrow before we head home on Friday morning.

I have always been hard on myself I suppose, I think that’s a habit that won’t ever change.

I’ve also never been good at packing things away if they’re bothering me or making me upset. I’m a big crier and I can’t help it once I start 🤦‍♀️

Next year we are definitely doing something different and will not be setting foot anywhere near here.

I haven’t been taking anything to help me sleep, I tend not to feel as though I need it as I’m usually exhausted by the end of the day. The GP did offer me Zopiclone short term when I was started on an SSRI back in April, but I declined.

Doing something very different sounds like a really good idea. In fact you could apply it to a lot of things. Your children aren’t really old enough to have a strong sense of family traditions - that’s you, not them - so you can do what suits and pleases you.

I live in the South Lakes and you've had such bad luck with the weather, it's been glorious for weeks and weeks until this week!
It makes sense that everything would have hit you on holiday, it's going to be full of happy memories and what has happened doesn't take away from those. You're doing incredibly and I really hope you're going easy on yourself and giving yourself the credit you deserve 🩷

Tbh I’ve never yet met a small child who didn’t like going out in the rain if they’re encouraged to jump in muddy puddles. Then you can give them a lovely warm bath or shower and sit back and polish your halo 😊 - half a morning there .

I am going away with DD on Saturday for a week. Since ex H and I split we have always gone to this place with my wonderful sister. This year for various reasons, she wont be coming with us and I am dreading it!

Dsis and I tag teamed, I would go and get drinks/lunch etc. Dsis would then go and wander the shops. She would take DD rock pooling and I always sorted food. I have to think of this all on my own this year and I hate it (not least because she is my best friend and I will miss her)! Having another functional adult there is something I will really miss and I have been single for 8 years, so it isnt about your ex I think it's just that you have to have a plan A B C and D all on your own.

Next time wont be so hard, as I am sure it wont be for me!

I totally get this and having that other adult there just feels like extra moral support. I really hope you enjoy your holiday and it’s not as daunting as you think it will be. I’m positive you’ll manage and I hope you enjoy making lovely memories ☺️

It looks as though it’s going to be a better day today so I’m hoping to take the kids down to the lake with a picnic 🤞

Next year I am hoping to take them somewhere like centre parcs.

Thank you again for all your kind messages, I do feel slightly more like myself today.

I’m so pleased you have a lovely day planned and you are feeling more like yourself too. I hope you have lots of sunshine and have a fun day. A Center Parcs style holiday next year sounds like a great idea ☺️.

Hoping you have a great day. Remember, wobbles are normal

Hope you have a lovely day, better weather and a more settled 4 year old.

So far it’s still raining but the weather forecast says it’s supposed to brighten up!

We’ve honestly had some wonderful days in the rain - you just have to accept that everyone is going to get very wet and embrace it. But if it’s the last day you can just take all the wet clothes home to dry. And if it’s warm but wet don’t even bother with coats - just let them dance in the rain!! Have a lovely day.