Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Sorry to hear this, op. I think it’s likely there is another woman and he is reframing your relationship in a negative light so that he feels less guilty.

The script. He's cheating so he has to make you the bad guy.

The good news is you know the source of your depression. I do hope your prescription is only a short amount to get you over the hump of getting away from this nasty bastard of a man because its so frustrating to see doctors prescribe addictive drugs for things that have actual life fixes for. Once this asshole is gone you will start to feel much better I'd wager.

I couldn't be a doctor. It would be "leave.your husband.leave.leave.your husband. I'm not giving you pills".

I'd also if I were you be calling him a fake cheating dick and saying he should either cheer the f up or leave like he wanted to because his miserable attitude was boring thr arse off me. No way am I letting him think I believe him for a second. Or letting him drag me down.

But practical wise... can you move out if he won't? If its rented then its not like you have to stay.

"Do you want to stay and be the primary carerer to the kids or shall I? Because I saw a nice little one bed the other day". Make him think he will have to stay and do the childcare as you don't want to move the children from their primary residence.

If that does not work, take yourself off the lease and move out. With or without the kids. Stop letting him dictate things. You only get one life.

It's The Script OP. He's got another woman.

Cherchez la femme.

As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.

So he wants to do exactly as he wishes with no consideration for you or your feelings whatsoever and if you have any opinion at all, that's controlling? Has he considered how his football schedule is going to be disrupted if he has the kids every other weekend?

You deserve better than this.

So because you wanted help in the home, and with the kids, YOU are the bad guy? What a dick.

I'd take great joy in pointing out to him that he needs to find a 2/3 bed place, as he will be having the children 50% of the time. He's going to be much, much busier now, isn't he? Even if you don't mean it, let it hit him that he's going to have to get up at the crack of dawn half the time, do all the housework in his own place, arrange babysitters who are happy to wait until he gets in at 5am. Let it really sink in!

How old are the children?

Why does he think he can opt out of parenting? Telling him to pull his weight is not “controlling”.

Anyway, let it go. He may be cheating, he may not be. Either way, let the trash take itself out.

So he’s having an affair then
absolute cliche bellend

Any point in therapy together? The reality of having children is that you can’t always do what you want: no it’s not fair if he always stays in bed whilst you sort out kids, yes it’s reasonable to have family weekends instead of football. Coming in at 5am is a him problem - unless it means he can’t help the next day.

re: moving out, yes suggest you’ll move out and he can look after the kids. Point out to him that with 50/50 childcare he’ll be getting up in the mornings.

Oh wow - they really do follow that script don't they - to the bloody letter!

As others have said, it's highly likely there's an OW who has caught his eye. You have to be the bad guy because if he's already living a largely responsibility-free life with a dutiful wife and still cheats, that would make him the bastard and his fragile ego won't accept that. Looking back he treated me like a doormat and I let him.

My ExH came out with exactly the same BS 14 years ago when he had an OW. Like your OH mine also came out with accusations of me being 'controlling' (yeah right, so controlling he often went out until 4 or 5 am too without bothering to even let me know).

Like your OH mine also refused to move out.

He has said that he is done. Believe him. Do not dance to his tune. Do not do the 'pick me dance'. It will only further trash your own self esteem. Please do not let him see you upset or angry. It will only make him hate you more.

Start taking more control of the situation. I know how hard that is, but you must. You must set clear boundaries now, or it will just get harder in the future. Tell him that you'll be pushing for 50/50 shared care, so he will need to organise his work/social life/housing around this expectation.

Channel that anger into finding somewhere else to live (if he won't) and get some legal advice.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you will get through it.

This. Absolutely standard I'm afraid. My ex did exactly the same thinthing, gaslit me to death and made me quite poorly. - other abusive behaviours.

I'm sorry OP. You will be ok. X

How old are your DCs OP?

He’s met someone else. Sorry. Someone who makes him feel ‘free’ 🙄

So now he’ll try and paint you as the bad one, to make an excuse to end the marriage.

Tale as old as time unfortunately.

Try and focus on protecting yourself right now. Don’t lower your self and beg him to stay. Don’t listen to his false accusations. Don’t try and ‘fix’ anything.

He’s made his bed. Let him lie in it.

Assuming he's met someone else, she'll be posting on here in a few months time that her partner is going off to play football all weekend and leaving her with the step-kids, and is she being unreasonable. He's not going to change.

Sorry, another who says it's probably "the script".
I had never heard of it until I came on to MN but my exH said exactly the same things & behaved exactly the same way.
Turns out he was cheating.
I turned myself upside down trying to "change" & thinking it was my fault but tbh the goal posts were constantly moving and there was no way to effectively "change". It was all down to the guilt he felt about his behaviour & letting down me & his kids.

Coming on here and reading about the script was a revelation for me but it came too late.
I made many mistakes.

Don't do that. Read up on it & consider what you will do/can do if it is the script and he is cheating. Forewarned is forearmed.

Rewriting the past is a classic part of The Script. They do this so that they can create a false narrative that you forced him into the other person’s arms because you are the devil and he’s the saint.

I would recommend writing down an account of some of the incidents that he mentioned. I did this by emailing myself so it would remain private. It helped clarify in my brain that I’m not the sole cause for divorce and he did and said X/Y/Z.

I’m very sorry for your current pain. Living together post split was impossibly hard and I couldn’t start healing until he left. 💐

The limbo between knowing something was wrong but not knowing the full truth was also difficult and I am sorry that he’s creating a fake narrative of the past to justify his disrespectful behaviour. 💐

He’s a dick. Also stop saying you need ‘help’ with the kids. Nope. He needs to step up.

Yep there’s someone else. None of that really matters though (my ex dh left me for a girlfriend he’d had before me) what matters is he’s an arse.

Ps he may be acting badly so that you will become so fed up that you will end the marriage thus letting him off the hook.
Then he can miraculously "meet" someone new and it all seems above board.

It sounds crazy and you might be thinking "Not my Dave" but, honestly, prepare yourself because it could well be what is happening here.

Men don’t throw grenades into their lives if they have nowhere to go, he’s got someone else lined up. Sorry 💔

Read The Chump Lady. He's got it down to a T.
Girl, the only way to stop him on his tracks is to agree with him.

"Yeah, I'm not feeling it either to be honest. I think we would co parent quite well. 50/50 would be good as you know I'm a night worker. How's that sound Jim?"

Then get all your paperwork in order.

He's a cheating twat and is gaslighting you so that you take the blame for him straying.
This is the beginning of the rest of your life - and it's going to be good, without this man in it.
Unhappily married is far, far worse than happily single. Reconnect with your old friends. Make sure he has the children on a regular basis so you get free time to have fun.

100% there is another woman

What a sad cliche of a man he is.

He’s cheating.

ETA: I’m really sorry. He’s a prick. Don’t ‘own’ any of the shit he tries to pile on you. Start 50/50 childcare now by taking a weekend off for yourself and go visit a friend.

Don’t waste another second thinking about him or what you have done “wrong “

the answer is absolutely fuck all , he has lined up someone else.

make sure you are sorted and don’t waste any more effort on someone who doesn’t want you .

start with sorting out you housing and finances

don’t beg anyone to be apart of your life, sounds like the rubbish is ready to take it’s self out which sounds like a win to me 🤷‍♂️