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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

There We Are Then - part 3

993 replies

mummy917 · 02/08/2026 19:20

And another 🤣

OP posts:
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kelpie9 · 30/08/2026 15:51

Also has he paid you the money owed to yourself as it is a bank holiday and his pay should be in his bank account now.

Two2TooAlsoToToward · 30/08/2026 16:28

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2026 14:29

@mummy917

I would happily take them if it wasn’t my weekend to have them as I know it’s not easy taking all 4, but it wasn’t even discussed as an option, he just chose not to take her at all.

Remember the saying "Short term pain for long term gain"? I know it's hard, but you need to be thinking in terms of the next 10 years, not the next party date. What you do (or don't do) now will benefit the DC in the long run. For the DC, even as hard as it is, they may as well learn now how unreliable their father is and missing a few parties is a simple way to learn that. If they don't absorb it now, the time will come when he will seriously let them down in a big way and they won't be prepared for it.

And for you, if you continue to bail him out all that will happen is that you will show him that he doesn't have to be a reliable parent, because you will pick up the slack (as you've always done). At some point, maybe not right now, you are going to want to 'make a life' for yourself on the days you don't have the DC. Perhaps a few days away, days in the city with friends, and even to have a 'love life'. And if he knows all he has to do is snap his fingers (ie not do what he should do) and you'll jump you'll find yourself jumping 6 ways from Sunday and you'll never get that independent life you deserve. And frankly, that you need.

Deep breath, squared shoulders. This is just another bump in the road.

💯 @mummy917

Freeme31 · 30/08/2026 17:31

Seriously OP please read-read message 2 up from @AcrossthePond55 this is spot on

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 17:34

Don’t get me wrong, it’s bloody hard work to take 4 young kids anywhere, but you just have to take a deep breath and do it 🤣

He’s sent me half the money for the 2 pairs of school shoes but uniforms and other things I’ve not had anything for. Even though he’s getting his tattoo on 11th September. He’s changed it to the week I have the kids for the weekend again as I think his mum must’ve refused to have them next Friday, which was his original tattoo date.

OP posts:
Lizchapman · 30/08/2026 17:43

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 17:34

Don’t get me wrong, it’s bloody hard work to take 4 young kids anywhere, but you just have to take a deep breath and do it 🤣

He’s sent me half the money for the 2 pairs of school shoes but uniforms and other things I’ve not had anything for. Even though he’s getting his tattoo on 11th September. He’s changed it to the week I have the kids for the weekend again as I think his mum must’ve refused to have them next Friday, which was his original tattoo date.

Good for her 😊😊😊

Lostpassporthelp · 30/08/2026 17:54

So glad his Mum seems to finally be putting her foot down. I’m a bit perplexed why he’s told you when he’s booked it in for though, it’s nothing to do with you now (even though morally it has a lot to do with you as he is effectively spending your uniform and mattress money).

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 18:01

Lostpassporthelp · 30/08/2026 17:54

So glad his Mum seems to finally be putting her foot down. I’m a bit perplexed why he’s told you when he’s booked it in for though, it’s nothing to do with you now (even though morally it has a lot to do with you as he is effectively spending your uniform and mattress money).

I have no idea, maybe so I’ll expect the kids being dropped off early again on the Friday.

OP posts:
Lizchapman · 30/08/2026 18:03

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 18:01

I have no idea, maybe so I’ll expect the kids being dropped off early again on the Friday.

I really do hope you’ll be out until ten to ten that day 🤞🏻🤞🏻

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 30/08/2026 19:13

Lizchapman · 30/08/2026 18:03

I really do hope you’ll be out until ten to ten that day 🤞🏻🤞🏻

That's twattoo day, isn't it?

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 30/08/2026 19:15

Lizchapman · 30/08/2026 18:03

I really do hope you’ll be out until ten to ten that day 🤞🏻🤞🏻

First thing that came into my mind too!

NotAtMyAge · 30/08/2026 19:18

@mummy917 Just to say your thread is filling up fast if you want to create a new one.

anotheruser124 · 30/08/2026 19:27

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 18:01

I have no idea, maybe so I’ll expect the kids being dropped off early again on the Friday.

I really hope you stop making yourself available at some point so he stops being able to walk all over you with this dropping off whenever he likes, its ao infuriating seeing that he repeatedly acts like a dick with zero repercussions and everyone running around cleaning up after his arsehole behaviour

Lostpassporthelp · 30/08/2026 19:42

One day, when you are feeling stronger, I really hope you’ll go out early on a Friday morning and rock up at 9.55am casually carrying an overnight bag. Just watching him combust in front of you would be hilarious. A casual “What I do in my free time is none of your business” would drive him mad. Yes it’s pretty, but he’s so petty he deserves it 😂

Mix56 · 30/08/2026 20:17

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 17:34

Don’t get me wrong, it’s bloody hard work to take 4 young kids anywhere, but you just have to take a deep breath and do it 🤣

He’s sent me half the money for the 2 pairs of school shoes but uniforms and other things I’ve not had anything for. Even though he’s getting his tattoo on 11th September. He’s changed it to the week I have the kids for the weekend again as I think his mum must’ve refused to have them next Friday, which was his original tattoo date.

I don't doubt its hard work, but as you say, you just gave to do it !

IJustMight · 30/08/2026 20:50

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 18:01

I have no idea, maybe so I’ll expect the kids being dropped off early again on the Friday.

Do not answer the door if he's early, especially a couple of hours early.

Seriously.

You must have been in the shower, or the bath with your headphones on, relaxing after a long shit x

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/08/2026 20:56

There are very few mothers that will hide in their home pretending not to be there, when her children are outside bouncing on the doorstep after being away from her for days - even if they have been with the dad of the year 2026 !

keepincool · 30/08/2026 21:22

IJustMight · 30/08/2026 20:50

Do not answer the door if he's early, especially a couple of hours early.

Seriously.

You must have been in the shower, or the bath with your headphones on, relaxing after a long shit x

Or even a long shift... 😂

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:26

I mean I won’t lie, I would absolutely love to see his reaction if I turned up with an overnight bag at 5 to 10 on a Friday morning 🤣

Our eldest let slip to him that I was going away for the night last weekend and he said “oh had a date did you?” The fact I just looked at him and didn’t confirm or deny was enough to have him standing there looking as though steam may come out of his ears 🤣 not sure why he’d care even if that had been the case (it wasn’t and I ended up staying at home anyway).

I doubt I’d ever be able to not answer the door when I know the kids are outside. The only way I could make sure he stuck to the agreed time is if I did leave the house so I got back there just before 10am.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2026 21:27

keepincool · 30/08/2026 21:22

Or even a long shift... 😂

In fairness, both work!

Sometimes I need a lie down after a big one!

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:30

IJustMight · 30/08/2026 20:50

Do not answer the door if he's early, especially a couple of hours early.

Seriously.

You must have been in the shower, or the bath with your headphones on, relaxing after a long shit x

This made me laugh out loud! 🤣

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2026 21:36

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:26

I mean I won’t lie, I would absolutely love to see his reaction if I turned up with an overnight bag at 5 to 10 on a Friday morning 🤣

Our eldest let slip to him that I was going away for the night last weekend and he said “oh had a date did you?” The fact I just looked at him and didn’t confirm or deny was enough to have him standing there looking as though steam may come out of his ears 🤣 not sure why he’d care even if that had been the case (it wasn’t and I ended up staying at home anyway).

I doubt I’d ever be able to not answer the door when I know the kids are outside. The only way I could make sure he stuck to the agreed time is if I did leave the house so I got back there just before 10am.

Because he is allowed to have a new life but you are not!

You are supposed to still be pining and crying for him, you are his back up when the shiny new life doesnt actually work out so he can come back home like nothing happened so how fucking DARE you move on and treat him as an irrelevance?!

Its true that the opposite of love isnt hatred, its indifference. He cannot bear that you simply do not care one jot about him any more other than him being a decent father to your kids.

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:42

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2026 21:36

Because he is allowed to have a new life but you are not!

You are supposed to still be pining and crying for him, you are his back up when the shiny new life doesnt actually work out so he can come back home like nothing happened so how fucking DARE you move on and treat him as an irrelevance?!

Its true that the opposite of love isnt hatred, its indifference. He cannot bear that you simply do not care one jot about him any more other than him being a decent father to your kids.

I wouldn’t say I’m quite at the indifferent stage yet, although I know I’m slowly moving closer towards it. I had another wobble yesterday and it took up a lot of headspace last night. I suppose it’s a good thing that I feel as though I’m slowly moving towards indifference though.

I genuinely don’t think there’s anything he could say or do now, that would ever make me consider taking him back. I can’t help thinking that he has played an amazing part for the last 13 years, because I saw none of this side of him until March.

OP posts:
PinkEasterbunny · 30/08/2026 21:42

Lostpassporthelp · 30/08/2026 19:42

One day, when you are feeling stronger, I really hope you’ll go out early on a Friday morning and rock up at 9.55am casually carrying an overnight bag. Just watching him combust in front of you would be hilarious. A casual “What I do in my free time is none of your business” would drive him mad. Yes it’s pretty, but he’s so petty he deserves it 😂

Oh yes, I would love to see his face!

Lostpassporthelp · 30/08/2026 21:47

mummy917 · 30/08/2026 21:26

I mean I won’t lie, I would absolutely love to see his reaction if I turned up with an overnight bag at 5 to 10 on a Friday morning 🤣

Our eldest let slip to him that I was going away for the night last weekend and he said “oh had a date did you?” The fact I just looked at him and didn’t confirm or deny was enough to have him standing there looking as though steam may come out of his ears 🤣 not sure why he’d care even if that had been the case (it wasn’t and I ended up staying at home anyway).

I doubt I’d ever be able to not answer the door when I know the kids are outside. The only way I could make sure he stuck to the agreed time is if I did leave the house so I got back there just before 10am.

As sad as it is to have to play games, I actually think you should go out the house early on a Friday morning, he has to learn you aren’t there at his beck and call anymore. He lost your wife privileges when he upped and left. The only way he is going to learn is if you aren’t there.

Also maybe buy yourself a bunch of flowers and leave them somewhere prominent on display next time he’s dropping the children off 😂. You might as well have some fun winding him up.

fuchsteufelswild · 30/08/2026 21:49

IJustMight · 30/08/2026 20:50

Do not answer the door if he's early, especially a couple of hours early.

Seriously.

You must have been in the shower, or the bath with your headphones on, relaxing after a long shit x

Typo of the Year