There We Are Then - part 3

[mummy917]

And another 🤣

This!!!! With Bells on!!!

Booked a last minute hol for me and youngest DD for next week. Messaged ex about him missing a weekend (EOW, of course) and said did he want her this last weekend instead. No, he has "plans" (going to the pub again). So he will go three full weeks without seeing and gives zero fucks. In fairness I dont think DD cares either, but just shows where their priorities are.

He messaged me this morning saying he hoped we all have a good time away;

I wonder if any sort of regret is starting to kick in with him?

You keep on with your life. Show him and his mattress promises are not relevant to it. There we are then!

Perhaps remind yourself that just a short time ago he said you were a ‘useless cunt’. That is not someone who cares for you or thinks highly over you.

Its more likely that he’s aware you have that in writing and the optics of not seeing the kids for a big chunk of time and is instead making sure it’s documented that he said something civil for once.

The wobbles are only to be expected, especially given how this was meant to be a holiday with all of you together, plus the memories from last year. We're here if you need us, but go and have a lovely time with the kids, and put Twattoo on mute if necessary.

I wouldn't be able to resist responding thanks, I'm enjoying it a lot but I'm petty and vindictive.

These emotions are to be expected, and I think he wouldn't have texted if he wasn't hoping for the response you managed not to send.

It's okay these things he gave up still hold meaning for what you thought made up your identity as a family unit, and may for a long while yet, but as you change so will your idea of happiness and family - and as he's proving at least weekly, for the better.

I don’t think it’s any sort of regret to be honest. He will always think he had no fault in our marriage breaking down and he doesn’t seem to have a nice opinion of me anymore as it is.

@PyongyangKipperbang it’s awful when they just disregard them like that and don’t seem to care at all that they won’t see them for that amount of time. I hope you have a lovely holiday too when you go!

I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I can’t help thinking that I miss him being here and all the things we would do while we were here. His absence on this holiday feels huge.

I hope you can find some previously unexplored places to go in your holiday location, cafes you never went to, activities you never did, so you can make your stamp on this years break.

I’m so sorry you are really struggling, I can understand how hard it must be for you. I’m sure the children are having fun though and hopefully as the week goes on it gets a little easier for you. Realistically even if he was there you’d still be doing most of the hard work of keeping the holiday running smoothly. Can your parents take the kids for a bit so you can have some time to yourself? Just to go for a walk or grab a coffee somewhere.

It's all so new still, you've not had chance to find your new normal and going on holiday just heightens that feeling. You would have to be made of stone not to be feeling this. But you've not got anyone there bringing you down or accusing you of controlling everything that's happening. Every cloud has a silver lining, and you just need to wait for the clouds over you to disperse. You'll get there

@mummy917

I don’t think it’s any sort of regret to be honest. He will always think he had no fault in our marriage breaking down and he doesn’t seem to have a nice opinion of me anymore as it is.

You're absolutely right. But know what? What he thinks doesn't matter. You know the truth about your marriage breakdown and you know you are a nice person. Don't ever care what a worthless person thinks of you because just like them, their opinion is worthless, too.

I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but I can’t help thinking that I miss him being here and all the things we would do while we were here. His absence on this holiday feels huge.

There are really no 'should and shouldn'ts' when it comes to our emotional recovery. It's ok to think something as long as it doesn't weaken your resolve or turn into self-blame. My esDH and I were avid RVers. Obvs that's not something I'm doing now as the truck & trailer are now his. I still think of those trips and I feel sad that I will never experience the 'RV life' I loved again. But at this point (and you'll get there) it's now memories of the good times that make me smile. If there is sadness it's momentary, followed quickly by what I can and will do in the future. Right now I have an elderly dog so I'm not able to travel but once I can, to mis-quote Dr Seuss, "Oh the places I'll go!!!".

Just remember you aren’t missing him but who you thought he was.

He is busy reinventing himself.
You imagine the spotlight moving away from him to you and the kids leaving him in the shadows at the periphery of the stage.

He will always think he had no fault in our marriage breaking down
I see this as his weakness, his inability to self-reflect, a solid barrier to his progression.
he doesn’t seem to have a nice opinion of me anymore as it is.
Or is he fighting back against being married and having a wife, i.e. not you personally?

It’s a long process of removal, mentally taking a (worthless) ‘partner’ out of your life. With my XH, for about 6 months I felt his absence immediately, like he should have been next to me but he wasn’t. For some reason it became me and him in the countryside in my head, and we were in the same field but gradually walking away from each other for quite a few more months. Then he was in the next field, then in a field in the next valley, getting smaller and more insignificant every day. Then he had gone over the horizon. I knew my life was free and clear of him when someone said to me about an event ‘oh, Dave will be there!’ And I answered ‘’Who’s Dave?’

It can’t be rushed OP.

Sometimes I feel okay and as though I’m doing okay and can envision what my life might look like in a month or even a year down the line. Then other times it’s like this, where I feel like I’ve gone 20 steps back over and the thought of not having him in my life makes me sob.

i do worry that when I feel like this, that my resolve may weaken if he ever said he’d made a mistake or something like that (even though I don’t think he will say that, ever).

I’m hoping I’m just feeling like this because this is another “first”.

You have done amazingly well and it’s totally normal to feel like this at such an early stage.

My ex totally pulled the rug from under me, and I just couldn’t comprehend any sort of future without him. But within a year I had pretty much bounced back (and met someone else). Whoever said time is a great healer was absolutely right. It’s a few years ago now, but it just feels like a piece of history, and I am indifferent. Which was unthinkable at the time.

You’re doing great OP!

And just to add - my ex did a massive U-turn and wanted to get back together. But I said no. He had behaved too badly for too long, and I wasn’t prepared to waste the green shoots of a new life on someone who had treated me like that

It's so trite I feel silly writing it but maybe stick a list on your fridge you can read everyday why he's a d#ck who doesn't deserve you. Called me a c#nt, never pulled his weight in the family, etc so that you remind yourself that your idea of him in the absence has been eclipsed by the version of him he really is.

It does work - also perhaps make a contingency plan to have someone you can call should this happen to talk you out of it. So that someone can hold you accountable.

It's possible this will happen, you may in this moment also hope it'll happen but you don't have to act on hopes and memories. I think the opposite of what you fear is true and acknowledging them as temporary helps you to move past it.

This 100%.

You miss the bloke from last year. This year he may be wearing the same head but it's a different bloke - different heart and all that. This year that bloke is a TWAT and doesn't deserve you or your lovely family.

There's a saying - the best revenge is living your own best life. Something like that. Someone will know the right words ...

So many MN wives took their DH's back and the b&st&rds up and left again years later. Once they start looking (from my experience) they don't stop. MN is full of those posts (once you know, you spot them everywhere).

My ExH once said he felt wistful when our DS told him I was off on holiday in Pompeii sometime after we'd split. I keep stuff like that in my mind like a little jewel - a little treasure. There We Are Then.

I knew my life was free and clear of him when someone said to me about an event ‘oh, Dave will be there!’ And I answered ‘’Who’s Dave?’
It can’t be rushed OP.

This. I like the image of the ex gradually getting smaller and smaller until they disappear over the horizon too. It takes time.
I have a similar story in that my ex came to two school events over a seven year period. At both those events I didn’t know he was attending. At the school I arrived and could see a couple of spare seats in the middle of a row quote near the front on the other side of the hall. My oldest and I were edging past parents along the row to get to the empty seats, I squeezed past this seated grey bearded bloke saying ‘ sorry excuse me’ . Then I heard my oldest saying “ oh hello.” I had literally edged past him and not recognised him at all! You too will get there!

The firsts are the worst. When someone you love dies the firsts are awful. But your brain is aware you will never see the person again.
When you have shared so much with someone, and they are still around, it can be a form of slow torture.
But just remember his settled you’ve been in your home. Remember how badly he has treated you.
He may get fed up of the single life and ask to come back but I hope you never do that to yourself.
Because you are back in a happy place it is triggering so many lovely family memories. But that man is long, long gone
In fact he only partly existed. He spent so many years putting you down,

Start seeing him for the PoS he is as your parents can and lay blame on him.

My DD2 graduated 7 years after my divorce. Her Dad was invited of course and I knew he’d be coming. When this old grey haired man walked into the pre ceremony room for relatives of graduands, it was only when DD2 said ‘Hi Dad’ did I realise who it was. Was quite a weird feeling and I realised in that moment how far I’d come.

Hi op your going through a big life change I think you are putting to much pressure on yourself to get over it. This was your life that you thought was for ever you don’t need to catch up to him you will eventually get to where you need to be but unfortunately it is baby steps day by day. You are grieving a life you have lost your trying your best to be strong and present for the kids but your the one going through this grief yes the kids lives have changed drastically but you lost the man you loved. He is an twat we all agree on that but he was your husband and your going to do lots of firsts with all sorts of emotions you can’t stop them but I wouldn’t try if I was you. You will get there your only young and I’m not talking about another relationship I’m talking about you as a person. It hurts like mad and it will hurt less in the future but not right now give yourself time to process and grieve. You really are stronger than you think. Big hugs.🤗