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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

208 replies

Jack1964 · 25/10/2020 01:31

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 25/10/2020 01:39

Do not do this.
You shouldn't have agreed to it and obviously you have now so it will cause further issues but you can't do it.

I spent 10+ years in a relationship I didn't want to be in because he threatened to commit suicide and so on....I had tried to end it lots of times but the final time he reacted so badly threatening to kill me and so on that I knew I could never go back no matter how much he begged because I knew after that i'd never try to take another shot at freedom again.

He did attempt suicide after it several times...and stupidly I put up with the phone calls and messages and tried to counsel him when I should have just reported it to the emergency services. I actually enabled him to continue to go on like that, thinking I was helping him but really just prolonging the break up and enabling him to keep acting like that. After around 6 months of hell I said enough was enough and I needed to detach...and that was what finally got him to start copping onto himself and moving on.

It's nonsense that if you move back that she will disengage over time.

I have complex -PTSD, not just as a result of that relationship but it was certainly a factor in it as it felt like a prison sentence I would never escape from.

Are there children involved?

NiceandCalm · 25/10/2020 02:00

I just read your opening post from August, she's was cheating on you and the OM ended it.

Is there some part of you that actually wants her back? If not, then do not move back, even to the pool house. She is getting counselling 3x a week - let them sort her out. Moving back will just delay the inevitable, so let her deal with it now.

bloodywhitecat · 25/10/2020 02:08

Do not move back, she will always find a reason to keep you there if you do.

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 02:11

Please, please, please don't do this Jack.

Please don't sacrifice yourself.

Please value yourself.

Please know that she IS NOT your responsibility.

She is a grown adult who is manipulating and emotionally bullying you by playing victim.

chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 02:17

You stayed the Extra month, you had to secretly get the flat. You deserve to have a life where you are valued and free. You deserve peace.

All of the reasons you left before are still there. It is still the same.

Aria2015 · 25/10/2020 02:21

Don't do this. It sets a dangerous precedent as she'll know she can essentially control you by saying she can't cope without you and using her mental health against you.

I haven't read your previous post but any person has the right to end a relationship that they're not happy in. Yes, the other party might be sad and struggle to come to terms with it, but they then need to try and take steps to come to terms with this by themselves.

It sounds like your wife is actually taking some steps and getting help which is great but she needs to accept the relationship is over and you moving back will not help that (even if she thinks it will).

Figgyboa · 25/10/2020 02:23

Don't go back. I sense its a tactic of hers, i can't see how having you back at the house will help her disengage....I would have thought the opposite.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 25/10/2020 02:26

Wow a resounding NO.
I feel like such a prick now for saying I would move back.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 25/10/2020 02:27

Change your mind.

Its your perogative.

Take a long holiday.

Do anything but go back.

Anything

Mintjulia · 25/10/2020 02:28

Don't do it. You'll do more harm than good, to her and to yourself.

You've made the break. She is a grown up and you are not responsible for her emotional state. She has to deal with this herself.

Stay away.

user1481840227 · 25/10/2020 02:34

@Jack1964

Wow a resounding NO. I feel like such a prick now for saying I would move back.
You were going to feel like a prick either way. I know because i've been there...that person makes you feel like you can stop all of their pain and the responsibility to look after them is completely overwhelming and seems like the only possible option.

You were coerced into saying you'd move back so please don't feel like you've caused her further pain....she will say that you have and you shouldn't have said it and beg and cry and so on...but if you hadn't said you were moving back she would still be begging and crying anyway.....she will beg and cry for as long as you allow her to.

You need to look out for yourself here. Please don't go back!

user1481840227 · 25/10/2020 02:41

I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.

You deserve this. You need to realise that. You are allowed to keep going with what makes you happy. You deserve to reach happiness and build a new life for yourself.

1forAll74 · 25/10/2020 02:45

I didn't read any of your previous posts, but would agree with mostly everyone on here, that it would be foolish to return to your family home. If you have now found a new way in life, it would just prolong all the frustrations that you have, by going back because of your wife's desires, and way of thinking.

You can only deal with all this yourself, a. nobody can really advise you about all your personal issues,

Lofari · 25/10/2020 02:55

Don't do it.
I'm sorry her mental health has taken such a nosedive but that isn't your problem to fix. Stay in your own place

groovergirl · 25/10/2020 02:57

Excellent advice from PPs, Jack. Do you feel clearer and calmer now?

Your wife's crisis is for mental health professionals to sort out, not you. This is not your responsibility. The best thing you can do for both of you is to stay away.

Frankly, I think she's got a bloody cheek to whine and carry on after what she did to you. You've been very decent about postponing the settlement and letting her stay in the matrimonial home. Tell her you won't be back, but that you are sure she's in good professional hands.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2020 03:09

I agree with everyone else. Do not do this. I know you've already said you would. But it would be a disastrous move.

Is there any way you can speak with her psychiatrist and/or her counselor and ask for their help in guiding you to the words to use when you tell her you aren't moving back? Or at least let them know that you have decided that NOT moving back is in both of your best interests and ask them to help her understand and cope.

You have the right to be happy and live your own life. No one should sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of another's. Especially a cheating spouse.

Taikoo · 25/10/2020 03:21

Don't do it.
REALLY do not do it.
Do not move back in with her.
Nothing good will come from that, for either of you.

TabithaMeow · 25/10/2020 03:22

Hello! Just another voice saying not to do this. If you do, you will never leave. It won't be good for your wife, either, as she won't disengage over time - she will view you as essentially back together. It might be hard on her now, but if you are truly seperated she will have space to begin to process it and move on. You have said you will, but it is okay to change your mind. You deserve to be happy too. If you go back, I am sure you will not end up leaving again.

Peace43 · 25/10/2020 03:32

Another here saying not to do this. You have a right to leave the relationship. You are not responsible for your wife’s mental health. She needs professional support. Text her in the morning and say you have changed your mind. You deserve to be happy.

Gingerkittykat · 25/10/2020 03:37

Are there children involved?

Girlzroolz · 25/10/2020 03:45

Tell her YOUR therapist has advised you not to move back- that it is just dragging out the inevitable, not doing anything healthy for anyone. Say you’re sorry for agreeing to moving back before thinking it through, and that not messing her about is your top priority from now on.

Having or not having an actual therapist in your life is part of the huge list of things that are no longer her business to know about your daily life. If you feel the lie to be beyond you, pay for an internet hour of therapy. They’ll no doubt confirm the story, cos as you’re seeing here on this thread it’s a bad move to ‘go home’. You have a new home. That feeling is valid.

Actually getting a therapist for the next part of the separation process might not be a bad idea though. Your new sense of freedom is one thing. Getting through the nitty-gritty of the next months, with an ex with big issues, is a good reason to get someone on your team too. Never a regretted spend, in my experience.

Also it’s important to untangle this relationship (and how you ended up in it) before heading out onto the dating scene one day.

PinkAngelDelight · 25/10/2020 03:50

I remember your previous thread. Seriously, don't do it. Why should her mental health come at the expense of yours??

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2020 03:50

Don't move back, op. Don't even think about it. It will only make everything 100x worse.

wombat1a · 25/10/2020 03:51

Do not move back, you are not responsible for her, you are responsible for yourself. If she is suicidal and calls/contacts you then contact the emergency services. Make the break, move on, get back to enjoying life again.

Boopthesnoot1 · 25/10/2020 03:59

I didnt read your previous post but don't do it, don't move back in. You hear all on here about women going NC with their exs being the best way to get over it, not having the ex move back in. For the sake of both of your mental states don't move back.