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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

208 replies

Jack1964 · 25/10/2020 01:31

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

OP posts:
Palavah · 28/10/2020 05:44

@Girlzroolz

Tell her YOUR therapist has advised you not to move back- that it is just dragging out the inevitable, not doing anything healthy for anyone. Say you’re sorry for agreeing to moving back before thinking it through, and that not messing her about is your top priority from now on.

Having or not having an actual therapist in your life is part of the huge list of things that are no longer her business to know about your daily life. If you feel the lie to be beyond you, pay for an internet hour of therapy. They’ll no doubt confirm the story, cos as you’re seeing here on this thread it’s a bad move to ‘go home’. You have a new home. That feeling is valid.

Actually getting a therapist for the next part of the separation process might not be a bad idea though. Your new sense of freedom is one thing. Getting through the nitty-gritty of the next months, with an ex with big issues, is a good reason to get someone on your team too. Never a regretted spend, in my experience.

Also it’s important to untangle this relationship (and how you ended up in it) before heading out onto the dating scene one day.

Great advice
Palavah · 28/10/2020 05:45

Sorry should have checked the dates!

needanewidea · 28/10/2020 06:15

@Jack1964

Thanks again all.

I decided to stay in my apt, Landlord was very understanding.
I will visit my wife on weekends to go over pertinent matters.

Well done, it's hard to hold your boundaries when someone who knows you so well is trying to manipulate you.

Please can I just ask, though, what you mean by visiting your wife on weekends? Do you mean that if you need to sort anything out with her in person there are always weekends, you don't need to be living with her?

Or do you mean you have made some kind of commitment to her to be available for her / spend time with her at weekends?

ReneeRol · 28/10/2020 08:22

Why would you need to visit your ex wife on weekends? The sooner you move on, the sooner she will be forced to.

The longer you enable, the more she will continue to manipulate. It'll never end until you walk away and keep walking.

Sodamncold · 28/10/2020 08:31

@ReneeRol

Why would you need to visit your ex wife on weekends? The sooner you move on, the sooner she will be forced to.

The longer you enable, the more she will continue to manipulate. It'll never end until you walk away and keep walking.

So that he can start another thread on mumsnet
CovidNightmare · 28/10/2020 08:49

Are there children involved?

If not get the financial separation sorted through solicitors now, don't wait a year. Don't visit on weekends, deal with pertinent matters remotely. A clean break is better for everyone.

Dashel · 28/10/2020 09:33

Don’t visit on weekends like a custody agreement! You both need to move on with your lives and look to separate your marriage and the business ASAP.

The sooner you have a clean break the sooner you can both move on with your life. I would think of this like ripping off a plaster, if you rip it off quickly it’s going to hurt briefly but then it’s done, or if you rip it off slowly, it hurts nearly as much but for a longer time period and the total amount of pain is much longer.

Original poster
Jack1964 · 28/10/2020 10:54

We have decided to meet at weekends to sort out any business matters along with the dividing of all assets , rather we do this than the Lawyers.
We have two grown up children who both agree that they were brought up around their parents constantly arguing and believe seperation is good for us both.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 28/10/2020 11:23

@Jack1964

We have decided to meet at weekends to sort out any business matters along with the dividing of all assets , rather we do this than the Lawyers. We have two grown up children who both agree that they were brought up around their parents constantly arguing and believe seperation is good for us both.
She's just hoovered you back if you've agreed to meet at weekends the business matters and assets should be dealt with coldly at arm's length by email
Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 28/10/2020 11:30

When you say 'meet at weekends' does this mean all weekend? Like your free time? I am sure a phone call would be enough. Or meeting in a cafe for a couple of hours. Not every weekend. Please don't get suckered in!

NeonGenesis · 28/10/2020 11:33

Why do you need to meet at weekends? Surely all of that is best done over email, so that everybody has a record of what is being agreed to?

combatbarbie · 28/10/2020 11:56

No no no this is a ruse to reel you back in. Everything on email then there's no confusion. Maybe in time you can be amicable and be at same events for the kids but you are not responsible for her, you cannot fix her.

Yohoheaveho · 28/10/2020 12:23

OP
This woman is poison to you, but you are addicted to her
in respect to the division of assets and business matters you should be treating her like a colleague whom you don't like but need to be civil to so that you can tie up loose ends and move on with your life.
She is using the loose ends to bind you to her so that you can never escape

isthismylifenow · 28/10/2020 12:34

Jack having been through what was planned to be an amicable divorce, can I just say that it doesn't often work out this way. You can have all the intention in the world to keep things good between you, meet up for lunch to discuss finances and what have you.

But it doesn't really work this way. And you NEED to have everything in writing. I got properly shafted doing the person to person lunches to discuss it (as that is what amicable divorces are all about, right?).

And is the plan for this to be every weekend?

I don't know you or your wife at all, but this is what it seems: She didn't get you to move into the pool house, but gets you there every weekend under the guise of discussing the divorce. C'mon, can you not see what is happening here....

TinkerPony · 28/10/2020 12:47

Nah. Do it by email so there is a paper trail for splitting the assests much quicker and less emotional.
Poor adult kids they knew ye should have separate long time ago.
Hope that impact ye both that it all for the best.

BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 12:54

I agree.. put everything in email ... do not commit to meeting at weekends.. period Flowers

needanewidea · 28/10/2020 13:27

Every weekend?

This will get in the way of you, and her, moving on.

There is absolutely no reason to meet at weekends to discuss the divorce. She is manipulative and goodness knows what games she'll be playing with you.

Please, at least discuss this with a lawyer so you know what you're entitled to.

Don't let her steamroller you for the sake of a quiet life.

AramintaLee · 28/10/2020 14:24

OP you sounds like a wonderfully caring person which is why you even considered her request... but it sounds like you've had a long time of putting your wife first and she knows how to manipulate you.

If it's any consolation, moving back wouldn't have been in HER best interest either. You would have given her that glimmer of hope that you wouldn't leave her and she would latch onto that and you'd never be free.

Stick to your guns and ride this situation out.

She'll be okay. Presumably she has friends and she seeing a therapist. It sounds like she has enough support. You can't be that person for her anymore. You have to think of yourself and your own MH.

Best of luck.

user1481840227 · 28/10/2020 14:34

@Jack1964

We have decided to meet at weekends to sort out any business matters along with the dividing of all assets , rather we do this than the Lawyers. We have two grown up children who both agree that they were brought up around their parents constantly arguing and believe seperation is good for us both.
How many weekends do you think it will take?

You need to decide on that and set a limit and if she's not cooperating or trying to drag it out then get the lawyers in.

If not this will keep dragging on and on!

AcrossthePond55 · 28/10/2020 15:20

@Jack1964

We have decided to meet at weekends to sort out any business matters along with the dividing of all assets , rather we do this than the Lawyers. We have two grown up children who both agree that they were brought up around their parents constantly arguing and believe seperation is good for us both.
I think you're making a big mistake.

Division of assets/finances doesn't need 'weekly meetings'. Unless you have extremely complicated and convoluted finances emails and phone conversations should be able to sort it out. In fact, emails would be much better as there would be a paper trail.

She's going to use this to play on your emotions.

TeeBee · 28/10/2020 15:31

I agree that such conversations (apart from perhaps an initial one) is better find via email in a formal way. You then have a record of conversations and agreements made. Get everything in writing as much as possible.

diggadoo · 28/10/2020 15:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

EverydayDrudge · 28/10/2020 16:10

You really do need event in writing.

I hope you are discussing co-dependent relationships with your counsellor. This seems link the perfect example of one. You work out that getting back together isn't in your best interests now you are spending every weekend with her.

Set the tone this weekend by keeping it to a short session, 1 hour max. Go to it prepared, don't faff around making or accepting tea or lunch, and only discuss a specific small subject. Leave after an hour, doesn't matter if its resolved or if she's crying. If you think she will harm herself ring the police. Email her afterwards to confirm what was discussed and decided, like minutes of a meeting. Make a reason, any reason, (I suspect she will give you plenty in your meeting) why future discussions will need to be done on email not in person and STICK TO IT.

You run a business together. That's way MORE contact with each other than a separating couple needs in and of itself. Don't give her your weekends too.

If she threatens suicide, ring the police and don't get involved. That's a permanent, non-flexible rule. And I say that as somebody who lost a partner to suicide this year. She has support in place. If you think there is a danger to life you report it to authorities just like you would if you came across a person threatening to jump off a bridge.

You. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Her.

MrsBrunch · 28/10/2020 16:44

You are really making this hard for both of you.

Tistheseason17 · 28/10/2020 17:44

^ this

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