I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

[Jack1964]

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

If you go back then leave again it will u do any healing she has done and make things 10x worse.
Stick to your guns, be kind but firm.
If she's threatening suicide and you're worried, I would inform her friends and family and possibly the police to keep an eye on her.

You can't be blackmailed to stay in an unhappy relationship.

You are not responsible for her happiness. Moving back will just string this our longer. A clean break is kinder.

Jack I remember you other posts. If this is real - you can change your mind about going back.

It really won't be any easier on her if you go back for a while and then leave again further down the line. You will have given her false hopes. If she has another breakdown when you leave again will you then return again?? You will trap yourself. If you haven't finalised the details of giving up your lease then please, please stop right now. Go and live in your apartment and she will have to seek the help and support that she seeks during this difficult time. If you return to live with her, albeit quite separately, then it could well end up that your mental health will drastically decline.

You’ve done the hardest part. I wouldn’t under any circumstances go back. You can’t stop her topping herself if that’s what she chooses to do. She trying to emotionally blackmail you into returning, it’s extremely manipulative behaviour from her.

@Jack1964

Wow a resounding NO. I feel like such a prick now for saying I would move back.

You are not a prick! You sound like a lovely caring person. Your estranged wife’s mental state is not your responsibility though. Please value yourself and live your life the way you need to. She needs professional help. Neither of you need the agony prolonging.

What would you say to a friend in your position?

Be a friend to yourself...

I agree with others- don’t move back. It’s like blackmail. Not fair on you at all. People split up all the time and they’re devastated but you’ve just got to get in with it. Don’t let her manipulate you!

@Tistheseason17

It is one text. "I've had a rethink and for both of our wellbeing I will not be moving back in" Don't let her continue to manipulate you - she's pretty good at it.

This

don't do it

My dad did this to my mum, begged, cried, pretended to have a breakdown, etc to get her to stay. It kept her there another 4 years.

Life is too short. Tell her you won't be moving home; she needs to move on. If she threatens to harm herself, call the police/hospital/her family members. and have them send someone. Every single time. It's their problem to solve, not yours.

If she had an affair, as a PP mentioned that your original post said, I would stay away from her. She’s going to have to learn to stand on her own two feet, which will be the best thing for her in the long run. It seems she’s also remaining in the family home, so she doesn’t have it that bad at all. If it was her having the affair, by rights she should be the one vacating the home, not you. She should be counting her lucky stars rather than be acting like this.

Please don't go back. My brother is stuck in a relationship with an emotionally manipulative black mailer. It's his first real girlfriend and he feels an obligation to stay with her because she self harms and has threatened suicide if he leaves her. He's miserable and his friends are drifting away. You've got out now, time to start living for you and not sacrificing your own wellbeing for another person

Don't do it.

If her mental health is that bad, then you can't really help her. She needs to speak to the professionals working with her instead. You would be getting in the way of that process really.

Also, you'd only have to leave all over again.

She's playing you mate, don't do it

@justaperson

What would you say to a friend in your position?

Be a friend to yourself...

This is a great way of putting it 😊

Where have you gone @Jack1964? Talk to us.

She needs to fix herself. You can't do that anyway.

Jack stay happy in your own wee place... do not move back home 🌺

No you need to think of yourself.

If she is suicidal and you have young children together, then obviously you need to consider your options, because a mental health breakdown can be extremely serious. It does not mean you are back together, but for the sake of your children it might be wise not to assume this will end well.

They don't have young children.

Again you can’t control other peoples emotions. Do what you’ve been doing.

Don't move back. You're not responsible for her behaviour and giving her what she wants is only enabling her and further trapping yourself.

The best thing you can do is go full no contact so she can't do any more guilt tripping. The crazy behaviour is a performance for your benefit. She will only do it so long as you're in the audience.

Send her one more text saying you won't be moving back and all future contact will be through a solicitor. Then block her number and don't allow her back into your life in any way. If other people try to get involved, cut them out too.

This woman doesn't own you. You are entitled to peace and happiness. Life is too short to waste on people who bring misery and stress into it. Stay in your apartment and enjoy your own life and your own time.

Don't be overly generous in the divorce either. Provide what your legally required, any extra if she genuinely needs it.

Move on.

How much money would you be losing leaving your lease 11 months early?

Can that money be used by your ex-wife to go into a private hospital for a month?

Somewhere like The Priory costs (roughly) £5k per week but is a MUCH better use of resources than you moving back in and losing money that way.

I wouldn't normally suggest it but you mention living in the 'pool house' so am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that you're not short of money.

Then she will have 24/7 support and professional support to start rebuilding her mental health but in a way which doesn't require a blurring of boundaries (which won't be helpful for either of you as PP's have said).