I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

[Jack1964]

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

It is one text.
"I've had a rethink and for both of our wellbeing I will not be moving back in"
Don't let her continue to manipulate you - she's pretty good at it.

@Jack1964 you can still change your mind. She will threaten suicide and use her mental state against you for as long as you allow it. You have to be firm. She was the one who instigated all this by cheating. She made her bed so she can lie in it. You need to look out for you seeing as she is only looking out for herself.

Good luck.

Hi, I've just read your other threads and I'm a bit confused as to whether your wife has had a physical affair or not. You initially said she was meeting the other man for sex, but in subsequent threads say it was an emotional affair? I suppose it makes little difference if you want to end the marriage anyway.

Do not go back. In your other threads you say the marriage has been shite for 8 years, so what is there to go back for? She's deploying the hystrionics to pull you back but if you stand firm she will soon move on. You are not what she wants, but she feels she needs you, for now.

I've been married 30+ years so I empathise with how hard this must be, but you've done the hard bit, you've entered the rapids and you need to ride them to the calm water on the other side. As they say on mumsnet, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

My Ex kept saying he was going to kill himself. I stopped pandering and 10 years later he is still alive and being a pita

She's emotionally blackmailing you.

No no no

Don't go back

Stay away

You really can’t be emotionally blackmailed. This is no life for either of you. It’s hard and painful but don’t go back. It’s time to move forward for both of your sakes.

Jesus Christ, after all that fucking angst you are going back anyway ?

Go live in the "pool house", go live in the fucking garden shed. That seems to be the level of contempt she, and yourself, has for you.

Haven't you got a mind of your own ? At all ?

Make sure you get a clean break order even if you have to bargain for it. I have a friend whose wife has gone back to court 10 years after he left her for more money. She's getting it to0.
people like this who can't let go will do anything to hang on, suicide threat, court appearances, going for more money year after year - it's a complete misery.
This is one reason why I'm never getting married again.

Are there any children in her care? sound like not.

If no kids don't go back it won't help her or you.

Ignore the couple of idiot posters who will always find a way to have a go at the man in any situation.

It’s a resounding “don’t go back” and I agree. You nailed it in saying you felt like you were getting yourself back in your new place. It’s absolutely the right thing.

And don’t feel like a prick. The simple clear and straight text above is perfect. You’d be doing exactly the right thing

Go back? What, forever?

If not that means you have to go through the whole leaving thing again. Why would you do that to her? That's not kind.

Yes, echoing everybody else don’t move back, her happiness is up to her not you. It’s sad she’s taking it all so badly but it’s not up to you to fix. Don’t go back it will make everything harder in the long run. Change your mind and don’t feel like a ‘prick’

I remember your other post too op. And I say don’t return. This sort of stuff plays out a lot in break ups - emotional blackmail. It’s so hard I know switching off your emotional link to someone you care about, but if you return it’s like you’re sacrificing the life you need and want for something that’s never going to work. She’s having therapy and counselling so the benefits of this will hopefully kick in over time.

Ruin your life so she doesn't have to face the concequences of her actions???

Not a fucking chance I would be going back.

She was the one who instigated all this by cheating. She made her bed so she can lie in it.

Absolutely this. It's not your fault that she now finds her bed to be lonely & uncomfortable. She should have thought about that before cheating on you.

Why should her mental health trump yours?!

Surely you moving back isn't going to be good for your well being.
Go back on your word and say no, not happening.

Do not go back. If you can support her from a distance and encourage her to engage in her therapy. If you think she will do harm to herself call the police. The best thing you can do is detach yourself, as the more you listen to her beg the more you are enabling her.

Her issues are hers and whilst they may appear related to your breakup, it's highly unlikely they are. She won't be able to recover if your relationship remains the focus. You seem to want to help her but mark my words you will be doing her a big disservice by moving back in - you'd be telling her YOU are responsible for how she feels. Allowing her to absolve herself of her own responsibility. She can't recover if you do that.

I think you will actually make her mental health worse because it will confirm her belief that she can manipulate people emotionally to get what she wants.

She needs to learn that won't work so that she can develop more healthy relationships in the future.

Don't set yourself alight to keep someone else warm I love this! I wish I had heard, and absorbed this, years ago. Would have saved myself a lot of pain.

And if she did kill herself (she almost certainly won't), that is her choice and only her choice.

Going back will be giving her false hope.

It’s kinder to stay away.

As someone who was genuinely suicidal when I broke up with my ex ( I ditched work, got in my car and was driving to the somewhere rural to find a place I wouldn’t be found) the best thing my ex ever did was give me a clean split.
Literally no contact at all , despite having a lot of pressure from other people to “ help” me.
Obviously it’s tough but not as tough as having salt rubbed in the wound.

Can one or other of you get out of the business?

If you move back in, the message you are giving her is that it's not over, that you moving out was just a blip.
Is it over, or is it not? Decide that and signal your intentions clearly.

Sorry, I haven't read full thread, but I have read your older threads.
This is all about her and what is best for her.
In your old post you say that He ended it and she begged! In same post she said she feels cheated that 1 mistake costs her 30 year marriage!
A 1 night stand is a mistake (unforgivable) an affair and begging for it to continue is not a mistake! So was you meant to forgive her so she can feel better about herself?

Now she can't deal with the consequences of her actions and is now asking you again to do something that makes you unhappy??

Jack, I am begging you to not go back! You owe her nothing! She didn't think of you when she cheated on you, she didn't think of you when she begged for him back.

I believe (I may be wrong, but I have lived with a manipulator) that she isn't asking you to move back so she can learn to disengage! She is asking you to move back so you can start to forgive her. Seeing her every day may make leaving her harder so she wins again!

It is OK to think about yourself! You are not a Prick! You were put in a position (she has a cheek to ask it by the way) and you seem kind so of course you said yes! Now it is time to say 'well actually, sorry but I have to think of me, you are an adult and responsible for your own mental health, I am sorry you are finding this hard but I need to look after me, it is time you look after yourself'

Please take care, be kind to yourself.

Keep your apartment for sure. Then, you will have somewhere to go, that is your sanctuary. But, as everyone else has said, just don’t move back. You are not responsible for her happiness.. and you sound like you are being more than kind and reasonable given the circumstances. Look after your own health first. Let the therapists help her.