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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

208 replies

Jack1964 · 25/10/2020 01:31

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

OP posts:

wheresmymojo · 25/10/2020 14:51

...and if you have private health insurance somewhere like The Priory will usually be covered under that.

user1481840227 · 25/10/2020 15:02

*How much money would you be losing leaving your lease 11 months early?

Can that money be used by your ex-wife to go into a private hospital for a month?*

He hopefully won't lose money by giving up the lease because hopefully by now he realises it's the wrong thing to do.

If they are well off I think now is the time to use some money to do something with the business..to put something in place so that he doesn't have to see her daily.
Also I would seek legal advice..i'm not in the UK so i'm not sure about how harassment orders work over there but surely there must be something to protect him from harassment even if he has to work with her. I'm sure I read before that someone threatening suicide can be seen as a form of coercive control.

And also he is probably going to need his own therapy to deal with this and the fallout from it.

wheresmymojo · 25/10/2020 15:13

@user1481840227

*How much money would you be losing leaving your lease 11 months early?

Can that money be used by your ex-wife to go into a private hospital for a month?*

He hopefully won't lose money by giving up the lease because hopefully by now he realises it's the wrong thing to do.

And also he is probably going to need his own therapy to deal with this and the fallout from it.

Well, yes.

So what I'm saying is because he won't lose that money, if they are financially very comfortable then there is an option where the wife can be well looked after medically which also assuages any (misplaced) guilt on OP's behalf.

wheresmymojo · 25/10/2020 15:14

I agree that you should also seek your own therapy as your boundaries seem to be a bit off.

This won't be resolved just by divorce and if you don't process this could lead to you being in another horrible situation with an equally manipulative person down the line.

user1481840227 · 25/10/2020 15:34

She could probably afford it herself anyway. I wouldn't leave it up to the OP to sort out finances for it when he has lots of things he needs to do for his own mental health and future and will need his own share of money for that.

newnameforthis123 · 25/10/2020 15:56

You would be teaching her that her threatening to harm herself and making you feel her health is your responsibility works.

That's the precedent you would be setting. So every time you try to extract yourself from the relationship from now on, she would use that method of manipulation because it would have worked once.

And she'll ramp up the stakes if required because she would now know how to make you stay.

It's manipulative even if she genuinely is feeling she could harm herself.

You can't help her feel better. You would be delaying the inevitable. The person who is breaking up with you can never, ever be the person who helps you through the break up. It's impossible, unhealthy, codependent and unfair on everyone.

Do not be manipulated into sacrificing your mental health and happiness for someone else's.

diggadoo · 25/10/2020 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

heartlikepaper · 25/10/2020 18:20

It is very kind and loyal of you to want to help your ex when she is unwell, but it is manipulative of her to expect it. You need to maintain your own boundaries, independence and integrity as it seems like you have recently been attempting to do. I hope you havent ended the lease, even if you do decide to move to the pool house for a while, keep the apartment as your space and return to it often and for good as soon as you can. I would say also that she needs to get through this herself, you returning may prolong the dependency.
Take care

Original poster

Jack1964 · 26/10/2020 13:12

Seeing my therapist today.
I need to ask why do I feel so responsible for my wife feelings, why am I so easily manipulated by her.
All of you here have been absolutely fabulous with your advice.
A big thank you to all

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 26/10/2020 13:22

I hope it goes well today Jack.

EpochTime · 26/10/2020 13:25

Perhaps there is part of you that doesn't want to leave her but that part has been buried under the trauma of finding out she was unfaithful to you?
Glad you are seeing a therapist, OP.

Yohoheaveho · 26/10/2020 13:25

Why am I so easily manipulated by her
probably because she is a skilled manipulator who has been training you and working on you for years, you may have already been trained in this way by your parents or someone else earlier in your life and she sensed that someone else had already done work that she could build on.
Manipulative people are instinctively drawn to victims who are the right fit for their skill set

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2020 13:31

I’m glad you’re having therapy. Hopefully they will help you to see the plan would be madness when you’ve escaped already and she’s light on why you feel so beholden to your wife.

Blueberries0112 · 26/10/2020 13:36

It’s already over, what are you going back for? It isn’t going to fix your wife, it probably make it worst giving her false hope that the relationship will work. Don’t do that.

middleeasternpromise · 26/10/2020 13:36

@Jack1964

Seeing my therapist today. I need to ask why do I feel so responsible for my wife feelings, why am I so easily manipulated by her. All of you here have been absolutely fabulous with your advice. A big thank you to all

I knew this was you before I even clicked on it. I remembered your previous posts where you were meticulously trying to mentalise your route out. Your wife will work very hard to prevent you from separating from her and you have a long history of accommodating her attempts and acquiescing. If you really think this is what is needed, you will need to do something different she may continue to do more of the same and do it to a more extreme level if its not working for her. The more you establish this pattern of leaving and returning the more you help construct this cage of a relationship for both of you. You need to be clear about what you think is the right decision and then stick to it. If you want to support her - do so from a distance with extremely clear boundaries. I suspect its a lack of boundaries that has partly contributed to your current situation. Good luck with it.

MrsBrunch · 26/10/2020 17:36

Just focus on how hard it will be to leave a second time if you go back now. You cannot put yourself (and her) through that again. Keep your mind on how you can move forward, not back. That is the route to peace.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2020 17:38

@Jack1964

Seeing my therapist today. I need to ask why do I feel so responsible for my wife feelings, why am I so easily manipulated by her. All of you here have been absolutely fabulous with your advice. A big thank you to all

Because caring people care. It's what we do. Most of the time the 'caring' is returned in a mutually supportive relationship.

But sometimes unscrupulous and/or selfish people take advantage of our nature. When that happens it all becomes unbalanced and we're made to feel responsible and 'selfish' if we don't cater to that person's whims and desires even though we see that they don't or won't support or care about us. And because we are caring we feel bad or responsible for their feelings when we try to pull away from them.

But we do need to pull away, both for our own mental health and so they can (hopefully) learn that caring works in both directions. To be cared for, we must first be caring. And there's nothing wrong with putting yourself first when you don't get the support you need to thrive.

BlueThistles · 26/10/2020 17:39

You recognise this now Jack ... this is great progress .. onwards and upwards 🌺

FantasticButtocks · 26/10/2020 18:13

Part of her being unwell is her delusional supposition that it will help her to have you, a man who doesn't want to be with her, living with her, and being in her life. It won't.

It will be a kindness to her, as well as to yourself, to keep your boundaries in place and not allow her (or you) to trample on them. By leaving, and now discovering it's the right thing for you, and you're happier and feeling more yourself, you need to protect that.

I'm sorry she's unwell, but she is getting help, and her recovery is not your responsibility nor is it even in your power. And actually, it's not possible to save her life/health anyway.

Be kind, tell her straight you've had a rethink, it's not what's best for either of you, and you won't be doing it. You are being helpful in other ways and that's what you can offer.

Best of luck.

user1481840227 · 26/10/2020 18:23

@Jack1964

Seeing my therapist today. I need to ask why do I feel so responsible for my wife feelings, why am I so easily manipulated by her. All of you here have been absolutely fabulous with your advice. A big thank you to all

You won't have been the first or the last person that she's experienced who ended up stuck in that kind of dynamic.

When you're in it it feels like other people couldn't understand how much pressure you feel to look after the person, be responsible for them...and keep them alive...but many of us have been there and got out and although it's hard to imagine now eventually all the manipulation and threats will stop as long as you stay firm!

Dashel · 26/10/2020 22:11

Have you thought about looking for some confidence building activities to try? Normally I would suggest martial arts or a team sport but I think you should try doing new things to try and have some fun, distraction and confidence.

You need to start putting you and your needs and wants first and believe that it’s right that you do that. You need to break away from your ex and look to the future.

Joistlooking · 27/10/2020 14:46

A friend of mine, half heartedly, attempted suicide after her husband left. She wanted him to stay with her whilst they sorted out the details of their separation, to give her time to adjust. The psychiatrist, treating her in hospital, was very clear and told her ex that unless he intended to return to her, as her husband, he should stay away. She would not begin to recover if she had hope and if her husband was in the house, she would have hope.

Original poster

Jack1964 · 28/10/2020 01:56

Thanks again all.

I decided to stay in my apt, Landlord was very understanding.
I will visit my wife on weekends to go over pertinent matters.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2020 05:26

Well done for keeping your boundaries. And each time you ever waiver, you have this thread to look back on.

LoislovesStewie · 28/10/2020 05:41

Don't do it. You are prolonging the agony for both of you.

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