I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

[Jack1964]

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

Don't go back. It is unfair to her and unfair to you. You will not be helping her as you will be stopping her from moving on.

Oh goodness, this must be terrible for you.

But it makes no sense. She sees you all the time at work so how will it help her ‘disengage’ any further to have you camped out in the pool house?

I very much doubt that her counsellor is advocating to her that you move back to help her!

OK: you have said you will move back: retract it to weekends only? Maybe?

But it will be never ending drama. Crises that demand your presence in the house, she will keep trying while ever you are an audience for it.

You are not a prick. This must be so difficult.

She will heal and so will you.
Do you have to stay working together in the family business? I think you should cut all ties. I can't imagine remarrying and having kids with someone else AND working side by side with my ex.

Time to do some serious spring cleaning. The kindest thing you could both do is also the most acutely painful thing, short-term: cut ALL ties (if you don't have kids). Get the divorce done as quickly as you can. Just sweep up the mess and move on.

You don't have to be a martyr here. You're a couple of random human beings who fell in love then lost that love (the reasons no longer matter, they really don't). Your shared story has come to its conclusion. Allow this to end. Stay where you're at. You don't have to prop her up.

@Sodamncold

What to do?

Well it sounds like you’ve made you’re decision and you’re just looking for a load of mumsnetters to say how amazing you are. Like your last thread

Oh yes!

Don't go back.

Tell one of her friends or family members she needs more support but it is no longer your place to provide this.

Going back just delays and elongates the process she needs to go through.

Do not go back. I'm sorry she is unwell however, this is a consequence for her actions. I would also sort out the finances so you can both move on properly. She will not like it but then again it's a consequence

Nope. Stay put at your flat.
As you mention you both have excellent savings can you set up your family business again near your flat or in another nearby town/city whichever applicable independently.
Ye both need an absolute clean break.
Do not work together anymore or work on the days she not there etc temporarily until sort out better work arrangements.
And dont be prolonging the splitting up of assessts evenly. Just do it.
The sooner the better. So everyone can move on. You will be grand and so will she.

If she threatens to harm herself or says she has, call the police for a welfare check, but do not engage with her further.

Even if she truly thinks she means it or does mean it, it is not your responsibility to try and keep her alive. It's a medical/psychological issue that is for professionals to deal with and if she is actually a danger to herself, she can potentially be sectioned and kept in hospital until the immediate danger has passed. Same with the not eating. It's a medical issue, not a job for an ex to cajole and beg her to eat every tiny nibble.

Just don't do it. She won't get the psychiatric help she appears to need if you are coerced into serving her unreasonable demands. And she'll drag you down with her.

Its a big fat no from me. When my husband went off and shagged someone else there was no way he was coming back. He begged he pleaded I said no. The trust has been broken.
She will eventually recover quicker if you stay away. This just makes the agony indefinite.

I have now read all your former threads.

So she had an affair (did she sleep with him? You said it went on 4 months and they exchanged naked pics but then described it as emotional?).
She said the last 8 years had not been happy.
She appeared to accept your first break up move... but then went behind your back and reversed the notice you had given the tenant.
You then told her again you were moving, she said she would not make a fuss at the end of the week or two weeks that was supposed to ‘help her’. But did.

Now she has ramped it up further.

It has all already been dragged out for more than a year.

Don’t go back. Get a divorce lawyer, start work with an accountant and divorce lawyer on buying her out of the business ASAP.

You decided to end the marriage. You either do it and draw a line under it or you don't. A half-hearted attempt is completely undermining the decision you made.

As always with most things in life you have a choice here. You can choose to stand by your decision and continue living in your flat or you can go back to her, and be there for her emotionally. You will, in the latter scenario find it very hard to progress your life and move forwards. As will she.

@Jack1964

Wow a resounding NO. I feel like such a prick now for saying I would move back.

Don't feel a prick. Tell her you've thought about it and realised it's not going to help you or her, because it just prolongs the agony.

You will never get away if you go back, you do not need to disengage over time if you do not want. This is emotional blackmail it won't be any easier for her over time m, it will drag it out and give her false hope. You've left this is the hardest part keep the momentum going. In the long term it's the kids fest thing to do so she doesn't have a glimmer of hope and she cheated, so really she deserves to be left.

How many times has she manipulated you into "not leaving"?

Don't move back. Consider how one or both of you can disengage from the family business - whether that means one buying the other out or employing a staff member to fulfil any duties where your paths cross. Splitting up but still running a business together isn't conducive to a clean split and won't help either of you emotionally or mentally.

No please. Do not mess up with her head. She will want you back. It will only extend the suffering

I do believe that a gradual tapering off is less traumatic for some individuals. An end of a marriage is similar to death in some ways and some react to it in a similar way.

For the tapering off to work, there has to be some time limit to it otherwise it will extend indefinitely. I think for such a traumatic event for a person, around 3 months would do it, but it's still short. I would recommend longer but you have already been in an unhappy marriage for long enough. If you did stay, she would really need to understand that you are just there as a friend. No intimate hugging, and she should maintain boundaries around where you sleep. My concern is that unless she gets the message, she'll end up hoping that you will change your mind in that 3 months. For that to be of any benefit to her she still needs to go through the grieving process as if you had died, so to speak, and not delay it just because you've agreed to stay a bit extra. My concern is that she'll think just that, despite claiming otherwise and then you will have wasted time doing all of this, as well as putting yourself under extra strain.

We've all agreed ! Don't go back .. you are being manipulated . Don't fall for it .. you are t being nice moving back ... you are being foolish .. don't fall for her bullshit. Move on

Don't do it. She's faking. Total attention seeker. She needs to heal without you there. Be cruel to be kind. Go on dates with other women. Tell her you don't want to move back. You're single now. Enjoy your time alone/with other women. She'll soon get the message.

Also, please keep on mind that I have no idea what your marriage was like, or how toxic it was, so I've advised according to that. If I knew more about your circumstances I might advise you not to go back, as others have here.

She is in charge of her own destiny and you are in charge of yours. It is that black and white and it has to be unfortunately. Stop worrying what she is going to do to herself and start thinking what are you going to do for yourself. Time to put you first. You need to cut all contact as soon as you possibly can.

It’s really kinder - on BOTH of you - not to go back. Tell her:

“I’ve been thinking about our decision for me to move back in and I’ve decided it’s not the right one. I’m sorry because I know this will upset you but my mind is completely made up. I’m not moving back in ever and we are not getting back together ever. I think it’s kindest to be very very clear about that.”

By the way, I’m highly doubtful she’s seeing all these therapists, and if she is then they’ll be telling her that coercing her ex into moving back in isn’t a healthy plan.

@Jack1964
Please go with your gut instinct. It is usually right...good luck....

Another one saying don't do it (personal experience says it's a very, very bad idea).