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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left my wife a month ago but now going back for her mental health state

208 replies

Jack1964 · 25/10/2020 01:31

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 25/10/2020 04:04

Jack, please do not fall for her manipulations!

I remember last year when you gave notice to your tenants so you could move into the cottage. Your wife went behind your back and sabotaged your plans. After that you strengthened your resolve to leave. You took control of your life and moved out. It will truly be a tragedy if you sabotage yourself by going back.

VettiyaIruken · 25/10/2020 04:06

Don't be foolish. It would be ridiculous to move back.
You need to put yourself first.

occa · 25/10/2020 04:17

I agree with everyone else. Moving back is a terrible, terrible idea and will make this 100x harder for you and for her.

Literally no good can come of it and I guarantee no mental health professional would recommend it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2020 04:47

Another voice saying don’t move back in with her even it would be in the pool house. You obviously have a decent amount of money between you so she will be financially secure.

It isn’t you job to look after her mental health, you need to look after your own and she has surrounded herself by professionals. I think Girlzrule made a very good point about getting your own therapy. This will help you to put a boundary up with her and stop her from being able to manipulate you.

You have no idea if her stopping eating is her way of trying to get you to come home or if it is genuine turmoil. Either way, this is for her to resolve. If you go back, you are allowing her to control you so that she stops controlling her food intake. You should not put yourself on the line to protect her from herself. Her choices are hers and hers alone.

She may step up her manipulation if this doesn’t work. Do not fall for it whatever she says or threatens. She controls her and her actions. You are not responsible for them.

Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2020 04:58

Don't do it. You're not responsible for her. Time to put yourself first, simple as that.

justilou1 · 25/10/2020 05:02

If you move back in, she knows that pushing this button works. Disengage cleanly and kindly now. Keep communication brief and respectful, but be honest and clear. Do not give her any opportunity to misinterpret anything you say to give her the slightest opening for hope that you will get back together with her. Congratulate her for taking responsibility for her physical and mental health, and advise her that it is beyond your capacity. Let her know that it is best for your own mental health to stay where you are and that you intend to pursue a legal separation and divorce, and wish to do so amicably and respectfully for everyone’s sake.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 25/10/2020 05:02

Don't move back and in fact I would move further away from her emotionally.

While she is using you for a crutch she won't get her life in order.

You need to be in a position to not know how much she cries or how thin she is. You need to do this for her sake and yours.

We have had a massive rift in the family. My DH's kids from his first marriage did a terrible thing to us and have worked it so we get the blame. We have had to go completely no contact with all of them as we were suffering terribly and we had no chance of anyone listening to the truth. It's taken almost two years for us to be able to talk about it all and now that we are at the stage we can have little jokes about it it is genuinely being put in the past.

Get her support from another person or agency and then back off and heal. If the oxygen masks drop down, you put on yours before you help anyone else!

Palaver1 · 25/10/2020 05:05

Dot do it

Palaver1 · 25/10/2020 05:05

Don’t

CodenameVillanelle · 25/10/2020 05:11

You're just delaying the inevitable by moving back. Don't do it.

Ceebs85 · 25/10/2020 05:34

No no, she does her and you do you. You're not in a relationship any more and need a clean break. You cannot be responsible for her behaviour. Moving back will muddy the waters, give her false hope and drag you down. She chose to cheat, she chooses what to do now. You matter too

lunar1 · 25/10/2020 05:35

I remember your previous thread, don't do it.

Bluetrews25 · 25/10/2020 05:41

If you move back, she will only have to go through this all over again when you leave a second time. Think about it, it's easier for her just to do it once. And much better for you to stay away where you are happy.

I remember your last thread, I thought you were never going to get out as she was manipulating you so very very well. Don't fall for it again. If you go back, she will never let you go.

Angelina82 · 25/10/2020 05:43

Moving back in will just muddy the waters and prolong the agony for both of you. Stay where you are, and for the sake of your own mental health let the experts deal with hers.

NeonGenesis · 25/10/2020 05:51

Unless you are intending to get back together, do not move back in with her. It's got disaster written all over it.

It's heartbreaking to hear that she is suicidal, but you cannot be held to ransom on the property purely because of this. As long as she is getting professional help, it is best that you stay where you are living now and let her work through this herself.

Also, one month isn't a very long time to be out of a marriage. You've barely gone yet. You may find that in a few months she starts to come to terms with what has happened and things improve for her, which in turn will reduce the amount of pressure she tries to put on you.

Ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves. You cannot stop someone who really wants to commit suicide from following through. I'm sorry if that sounds cold but you need to hear it. Her friends, family and medical professionals should be rallying around her right now. Her ex husband who she hasn't gotten over yet shouldn't really be part of this picture.

isthismylifenow · 25/10/2020 05:51

Jack, it's all about her. What about you?

Please don't do this.

First the pool house, then that won't be good enough, then she will ask to to move to the spare room, then back to the marital room.

The leaving part was hard but had been done. Imagine doing that all over again further down the line.

Oryxx · 25/10/2020 05:52

Don’t do this. Your wife in an adult. Her mental health is not your responsibility. And in the long run, you moving back wouldn’t help her. It’s over and she must accept that. You would just be drawing out the inevitable and making it more painful. For her sake and yours, you must reconsider.

isthismylifenow · 25/10/2020 06:01

I also just wanted to say that anyone who is seperating goes through strain mentally.

I too had a breakdown and became so very thin from stress, but I got through it and am 100 fine now. So have a fair few of my friends and they got through it too, without asking their partners to move back in.

So I am not saying it's normal, but it does happen more frequently than you may think.

FlyNow · 25/10/2020 06:03

It should be a relationship, not a hostage situation.

AlwaysCheddar · 25/10/2020 06:15

Don’t go back, you can still change your mind. You’re delaying the inevitable. She needs to face reality.

MeridianB · 25/10/2020 06:29

I don’t know your backstory but would definitely not move back if you don’t want to get back together. For your sake and hers.

It’s clearly going to take her some time but it will get gradually better. It sounds as if you’re supportive financially and giving her a breathing space. She has tons of professional support and no doubt lots of friends and family who can help, too.

Dontletitbeyou · 25/10/2020 06:32

Dont go back . Her intention is not to gradually disengage , her intention is to grind you down till you agree to give it another go.
You have one life , living it for someone else is a terrible idea . Tell her you’ve had a long hard think and you feel it would be very unfair to drag things out and you want to keep things as they are . Yes you may have lost money but better that than the alternative
As for worrying she will harm herself , you can not be held responsible for the actions of another adult , sounds harsh but it’s true .
Dont go back

Trixie18 · 25/10/2020 06:33

Don't do it, you think you're helping her but you're not. I didn't read your previous threads but you mentioned having to see her in the family business. This isn't really a good idea, you should be having minimal contact and working together will prolong this awful process for you both. I think you need to plan for how you can run your business with minimal contact. Good luck and remember under no circumstances go back!

Sally872 · 25/10/2020 06:35

You have good intentions but don't move back because you deserve your own happiness. And in the long run a cleaner break is better for ex too. You see her at work that should be more than enough.

bodgeitandscarper · 25/10/2020 06:39

Another saying don't, you are not responsible for her mental health, and it sounds as if the more distance emotionally and physically between you both the better. Look after your own happiness and welfare, it sounds luke your wife needs to learn to stand on her own two feet without manipulating others, you won't be helping either of you by returning.