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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

329 replies

Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:26

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now Hmm

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

OP posts:
WunWun · 16/09/2020 19:28

Nope.

Quartz2208 · 16/09/2020 19:29

No that isnt normal and it is a horrible response to a 4 year old.

That isnt transactional its petty and mean

Original poster
Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:30

He does do a lot of ‘if you do x for me I will do x for you.’

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/09/2020 19:30

I think sometimes it just hits a nerve with parents when a child says something like that. He took it way to far though. Someone should tell her that she shouldn't say things like that though. She's old enough to know that she's hurting peoples feelings. She very likely does love you more though.

endofthelinefinally · 16/09/2020 19:31

That is awful, cruel, nasty and very immature. What a horrible, childish person he is.

Trixie18 · 16/09/2020 19:31

Wow, just wow, that's not normal. I'm sorry but your husband doesn't sound like a great father!

RepeatSwan · 16/09/2020 19:31

Erm, your DH needs to talk that through with a therapist imo, that's pretty horrid.

ducklingyellowowl · 16/09/2020 19:32

Not normal, no, and I’m not sure I understand why it’s ‘transactional’? Sounds like emotional abuse to me. Sad

When you say it’s not an isolated event, what do you mean?

endofthelinefinally · 16/09/2020 19:32

She is 4. Four years old! 4 yr olds are embarrassingly frank and honest.

ducklingyellowowl · 16/09/2020 19:33

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I think sometimes it just hits a nerve with parents when a child says something like that. He took it way to far though. Someone should tell her that she shouldn't say things like that though. She's old enough to know that she's hurting peoples feelings. She very likely does love you more though.
Er what? She’s four.

He’s a grown man. The problem isn’t with her.

DarkmilkAddict · 16/09/2020 19:33

Abuse in my opinion

Original poster
Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:34

Transactional because the implication was that loving more equals more gifts.
He does say ‘i’ll give you X if you give me a hug’. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 16/09/2020 19:34

I love you but I love mummy more

Oooof 😂

The response from him was very spiteful and bratty.

Original poster
Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:37

She’s now still awake. She’s saying she feels disappointed and upset because she’s not getting any presents at Christmas or for her birthday.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/09/2020 19:37

How childish of him! And horrid Sad

cheeseismydownfall · 16/09/2020 19:37

Fucking hell, that's nasty.

All three of our children were strongly bonded to me as babies, toddlers and preschoolers. DH was great with them all but I BF and did more day to day care, and I think they associated me with being the "comforting" parent. I'm sure it bothered DH at times, he's only human, but he never would have dreamed of making it about him. He kept loving them right back and now they all adore him.

What your DH said would have been dreadful even in jest, which is where I thought it was heading until you said that he actually left her crying. It's like he wants to hurt her.

AFireInJuly · 16/09/2020 19:38

Four year olds say all kinds of bullshit. Adults should know how to deal with it. What he said was very cruel and she will not have understood why he was saying it. Is he often cruel to her?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/09/2020 19:38

Tell her not to worry and that mummy will make sure she does

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 16/09/2020 19:40

That's so incredibly horrible of him! DS says that to DH sometimes and he just says 'I know and that's OK'.

Candyflosscookie · 16/09/2020 19:40

That's verging on emotional abuse - even if he said it without thinking, the fact he's left her crying and not come back to say sorry and reassure her makes me think he's just a nasty bastard. That's such a horrible way to treat a FOUR year old.

Original poster
Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:41

I’ve told her that of course she will have a birthday and Christmas.
She keeps saying well why did daddy say I wouldn’t.

He likes her to behave in a certain way I suppose, I think he doesn’t do well if his ego is damaged. He loves her but he’s been annoyed with her before when she’s not behaved how he wanted. For example when out with his family and it was late (gone 10pm) when she was only 3 and crying because she was tired he was annoyed then. ‘What’s wrong with her, other people’s children manage to stay up, she spoils everything’ he’s like it with both children if they ‘show him up’ I suppose. He doesn’t have that much time with them.

OP posts:
MadamShazam · 16/09/2020 19:42

Wow, well I hope you buy her lots of gifts for her birthday and Christmas, and none for your horrible, spiteful husband. Seriously though, I wouldn't be letting that go, he was horrible to her. And yes, its completely normal for 4 year olds to love their Mum more than Dad.

FatCatThinCat · 16/09/2020 19:42

She's quite an astute child isn't she. Of course she loves her mummy more, her daddy is a cruel, emotionally abusive arse, and she knows it.

LouHotel · 16/09/2020 19:43

Hes needs to go upstairs and apologise to her.

He's grown man for God sake, the correct response is ''that's a shame because I love you very much just the same as mummy a DS'' what a twat.

LilyWater · 16/09/2020 19:43

If he's that bothered by it why doesn't he spend more time with her? Use this situation as an opportunity to get him to be spending time with his own child. He wont be caring about work on his death bed.

Also make sure he apologies to your daughter, if she actually starts believing it, which a 4 yo early does , it can do serious emotional damage. Also reassure her that both of you love her equally to her brother.