Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

[timetest]

That’s a horrible and very childish thing to say to his DD. I would find it hard to forgive if my DH ever said that to my DGD. He wouldn’t because he’s a grown up.

[LilyWater]

*easily

[Didiusfalco]

That is really horrid.

My dd used to say this to me when she was small, except the other way round, and I was doing all the donkey work and dh was obviously more novel and interesting. I just used to smile and say ‘yes, daddy is pretty great’ because it’s not a competition. I think you need to take him to task, it’s so not okay I agree with pp that it is emotionally abusive.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Not fucking surprised she loves you more Sounds like she's better at spotting an arsehole than you are, OP.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

My DD used to choose me over DH all the time from a baby to about 4/5. She loves DH no doubt and he knows that but children often have a particular bond with mummy. It is what it is.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole if I’m honest. If my DH said that to my DD and left her that upset, I would reconsider his place in our lives.

[PoetaDeLosSandwiches]

First of all, it is a cruel and childish thing to say.

Second of all, it is a lie. She will get Xmas presents and he knows it.

I would be asking him to apologise to her. He should not have lied.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

He sounds like an immature dick. How deeply unattractive 🤮

[Mippi]

Pathetic! A 4 year old hurts his feelings so he decides to use his power and authority over her to upset her more??

What's he going to be like as she gets older and actually does challenge him a bit? How will he hurt her then?

[TreestumpsAndTrampolines]

She's old enough to know that she's hurting peoples feelings.

And her father? Who clearly hasn't learned that lesson at all, despite being a grown adult, and who not only replied the same way, but then went so far over the line?

That's completely unacceptable. If DP said something like that to our kids (who I do pull up if they say mean things about him), I would be having strong words, and if he was unrepentant, if he didn't realise what he'd done and why it was so wrong, I would be having some deep thinking about the future of the relationship and how to protect my children from this mental cruelty.

[Figmentofimagination]

That is just mean and petty. My 3yo DS prefers DH at the moment and when he gets upset he will choose DH over me every time. When he gets up in the morning and DH has already left for work he will whinge for 10 or so mins as he wants daddy.
It does upset me but I won't let DS know that. I just tell him I love him lots and try and make time for just the 2 of us. I don't hurt him intentionally.

[midlifecrash]

how about - if you upset the children and leave me to deal I will give you a poke in the gob

[SquishySquirmy]

That's an appalling way for your husband to respond to a very normal comment from a 4 year old.

Dd used to say that to poor dh when she was small.... I (gently) discouraged it but dh used to laugh and reply with " I love your mummy too!" She grew out of it and doesn't make comparisons any more, and is very close and affectionate to both me and dh.
What your husband said is absolutely awful. Your poor dd.

What are you going to do about it?

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@Blueredlight

I’ve told her that of course she will have a birthday and Christmas.
She keeps saying well why did daddy say I wouldn’t.

He likes her to behave in a certain way I suppose, I think he doesn’t do well if his ego is damaged. He loves her but he’s been annoyed with her before when she’s not behaved how he wanted. For example when out with his family and it was late (gone 10pm) when she was only 3 and crying because she was tired he was annoyed then. ‘What’s wrong with her, other people’s children manage to stay up, she spoils everything’ he’s like it with both children if they ‘show him up’ I suppose. He doesn’t have that much time with them.

Does he have any redeeming features? It doesn’t sound like it!

[thistimelastweek]

I always told my children that they should never confuse love with stuff.
Do not let your husband teach your child to confuse love with stuff. His notion of love is clearly not healthy.

[snappycamper]

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Not fucking surprised she loves you more Sounds like she's better at spotting an arsehole than you are, OP.

This.

[MillyMollyFarmer]

Your DH is an immature man child. What did you say when you spoke to him about it? What was his response? I’m assuming you haven’t let him repeatedly mistreat your daughter without serious talks.

[Blueredlight]

I don’t know, because if I left he then possibly gets the children 50/50 and I’m not even there.

He does love them. It’s also stuff like if either say they loved me or missed me he clears his throat, ahem ahem, until they say it to him. Dd made me a card on her first day of card, wrote to mommy love X. Showed dh, all he had to say was how do you spell daddy? She told him and he said, oh you do know then.

[MillyMollyFarmer]

So you don’t trust him alone with the children?

[Notcrackersyet]

Actually she’s not old enough to know she’s hurting other people’s feelings. That kicks in properly around 6ish.
I’m a step parent and i know well the feeling of a little one sticking a little knife in my heart with this kind of innocent statement.
But in my case it’s easy to rationalise as she’s supposed to love her actual parents more than anyone else in the world and it would be alarming if she didn’t. In your partner’s case it’s a wake up call to tell him he’s doing something wrong.

[WineGummyBear]

Wow!

Has anyone explained to him that he's not the child in that relationship?

I reckon many, even most dads hear some version of that on a regular basis from their young children. Most of them understand it's a phase and are secure enough not to take it personally. And there's certainly no need to behave like a cruel bully.

[Cheetahfajita]

He sounds like an absolute cunt

She'll probably remember that forever. My DCs are older but remember things that happened when they were that age

I honestly would leave him.

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

@Blueredlight

I don’t know, because if I left he then possibly gets the children 50/50 and I’m not even there.

He does love them. It’s also stuff like if either say they loved me or missed me he clears his throat, ahem ahem, until they say it to him. Dd made me a card on her first day of card, wrote to mommy love X. Showed dh, all he had to say was how do you spell daddy? She told him and he said, oh you do know then.

He doesn’t show his love in a healthy way. The children will pick up on this.

[QuestionMarkNow]

He is horrible :(