Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

[Chr1sTophat1070]

My 11 year old stays with me at the weekend, I left her mum nearly 9 years ago. About a year after I'd left I'd got a house and just finished decorating daughters room before she came to stay. She'd have been 4 at the time. While I was tucking her in I asked if she liked the house and her room, she said it was great, then said "is it true you left my mummy because you hated me, because that's what my mummy told me yesteŕday". Then she dozed off and left me sitting there speechless. Must have sat on her floor for close to an hour going over what she'd said to me in my head. To me that's emotional abuse and an attempt to sabotage my relationship with the kid. I'd put it as no different from what your partners said unfortunately. I hope he learns to act his age soon because it causes nothing but heartbreak

[squeekums]

His emotional abuse of her risks turning physical as she gets older and don't obey him and sticks up for herself.
She already picks up on his crap.

I was estranged by 15 cos my father went from a lifetime of "i love your brother more" "you came from the reject shop" or "i was a mistake" to physical abuse when I started to stick up for myself at 11/12ish

The mental toll it took on me is still prevalent to this day, I'm 32 now
You have a shot to protect her
Do it

[orangejuicer]

You seem content to expose your kids to this man. Unbelievable.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, he won't want to have to look after them. He'll be full of threats and bluster, then either bugger off and leave you to it, or swiftly get a new GF and expect her to do the childcare (or his mum).

[chatterbugmegastar]

How can you allow your children to be around someone like this?

[Sunflower1970]

Ps. I also think he is resentful about you and your girl’s relationship. The fact he says a 3 years old spoils everything.Red Flag!!!

[Sunflower1970]

If he carries on like that he’s going to damage her psychologically. Telling her he loves her brother more is going to stick with her. He sounds a bit of an idiot to me. Sorry

[orangeblosssom]

He's a bully and will leave the kids emotionally scarred.

[redastherose]

My exH was like this, I thought by staying I would limit the damage but with hindsight leaving would have been better for my DC. At least then they would have had normal most of the time and I was stupid to believe that he would want 50/50 because he is a lazy bastard.

[shesgonebatshitagain]

@Inkpaperstars

Thinking about it OP, I think the fact that you describe this as transactional, or highlight that aspect of it rather than just calling it abusive, is worrying and shows a level of denial. If I were you I would try and confront this in a different way before he damages your children further.

Couldn’t agree more

[Gobbycop]

If his ego can be damaged by a 4 year old girl I'd suggest chopping him in for a more robust model 😂

[Gobbycop]

Wow.

That's a pretty fucked up way to speak to a 4 year old girl.

I don't really have anything else to say.

[Inkpaperstars]

Thinking about it OP, I think the fact that you describe this as transactional, or highlight that aspect of it rather than just calling it abusive, is worrying and shows a level of denial. If I were you I would try and confront this in a different way before he damages your children further.

[Autumn1122]

Why are you with this horrible man. Its bad enough what he said to her then I read your update about him getting annoyed at her for getting tired at 10pm when she was 3!!! Saying she ruins everything. Wtf, what kind of parent says stuff like this seriously

[EarthSight]

@Wearywithteens

This would be a divorcable act for me. To crush a small child like that, not any small child - his own daughter, and not give a shit is unforgivable. This is the sort of thing that stays with a child a lifetime and effects self esteem. What a vile narcissistic prick. I’m so angry for your little girl.

I agree!

[Pesimistic]

Your dh has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. What a horrible horrible man, because his own feelings were hurt and probably made him realise he is a
inadequate parent he decided to humiliate and upset his own daughter because she was being honest about her feelings which is what little children do as they dont have the emotional or intellectual maturity to understand that telling a little lie might save someone's feelings. I wouldnt be able to forgive him for that.

[yecannyshoveyergranny]

He's abusive op. And he doesn't love them at all. Love is given freely, wanting the best for those you love and needing nothing in return. If either of my children loved my husband more that would be ok, I'm happy they have someone they feel secure with.

He wouldn't bother with 50/50. And even if
he did it's still better for them to see that it's not normal behaviour in a family environment and that you've stuck up for them. Eventually they will vote with their feet.

[Lozzerbmc]

It was a terrible thing to have said. He is clearly emotionally stunted. I hope you can plan to leave him.

Also people who brag about being great at their job usually arent!

[Needhelp101]

My child with ASD kicked off massively at school pick up today. I was hit and almost bitten. They told me they hated me, that they hoped I'd die.

My response was a hug.

Eventually, they calmed down and told me they loved me, and I told them I loved them, and I always would, no matter what.

They are older than your child but, TBH, I'm struggling to see your husband as anything other than an emotionally abusive dickhead.

[ilikemethewayiam]

That’s utterly cruel and damaging to your DD. She is entitled to voice her innocent opinions. She’s still exploring and trying to understand the world of emotions and feelings and how to express them. He’s an unevolved man-child who is coming down to a 4 year olds level because his ego can’t handle that his child has naturally bonded more with her mother at the moment. If that was me I would have chuckled to myself and at the same time feel happy that my child had a good, safe and strong bond with the other parent.

[Inkpaperstars]

I bet he's crap at his job. Most people who can't be self critical are.

[EarthSight]

@Blueredlight

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

*His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’*

What an absolute childish, abusive WANKER. Children say some wacky things......but I'm thinking no wonder she loves you more!!

If I had kids and the father did something as pathetic, cruel and manipulative to a little child as this......it would be grounds for a divorce.

[GarlicSoup]

@FatCatThinCat

She's quite an astute child isn't she. Of course she loves her mummy more, her daddy is a cruel, emotionally abusive arse, and she knows it.

^
This

LTB

[AcrossthePond55]

Ok, so am I understanding you right? You feel you don't have to do anything about his behaviour because your children's 'exposure to him is limited'? Is that right?

[GabsAlot]

i wouldnt worry men likes this dont want joint custody like you said he doesnt bother much with them