Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

[TheVanguardSix]

Jesus H! Who the hell raises these boys to become such men?

What an absolute ass.

[colouringindoors]

Not transactional.

Abusive.

[Elieza]

He’s horrible. Poor little girl.

Yeah she hurt his feelings and he wanted to hurt her back so he said something which would make sure he would win in the ‘who hurt who most’ competition.

He won. Against a little child. A full grown man ffs.

Did someone hurt him and bully him as a child and he had to man up and hide his feelings and develop a hard skin?

Is that what he’s trying to do? To hurt her the way someone hurt him only this time he WILL make sure he wins...and she can just man up like he had to do.

That’s the trouble with abusers. The victim can easily become the perpetrator and not even realise it.

He needs counselling. Doubt he’s go though as he probably thinks he’s fine and you’re the one who is wrong.

Do you really want him in her life? Is he worth keeping? Sounds like he’s not into parenting kids. Being as he’s one himself.

[WokesFromHome]

What your DH said is well off, but also I think your DD is well off too.
I've spent way more time with my DS's than my DH has. He works away loads and we have a lovely relationship but my DC have never said anything like that. In fact, in moments of insecurity my DH has asked about their feelings and without fail they have said "I love you both the same".

[WellyElly]

I grew up with a father just like this. As an older child I begged my Mum to leave him on many occasions. I absolutely loathed him. You need to leave him for the sake of your children.

[queenofknives]

Yes, it would bother me. I would find it absolutely unendurable. It's emotional abuse and it's heartbreaking. In the worst case, it ruins your children's lives. In the best case, they are still left with horrendous emotional scars, and wondering why you allowed this to happen to them. Do whatever you need to do to protect your children.

[Blueredlight]

It bothers me - but I don’t know if it’s an overreaction.
I suspect dh is a narcissist.
He describes himself as the ‘fucking dog’s bollocks’ about his job.

[Regularsizedrudy]

He sounds mentally subnormal

[slipperywhensparticus]

@Fightthebear

Jesus - I put my 13 year old on a screen ban today and his response was “this is why I’m not going to have anything to do with this family after I leave home”.

It hurts but you have to not rise to the bait. We’re adults, they’re children. We’re supposed to manage our emotional response and help them to manage theirs.

What your DP said is completely unacceptable and your duty is to your child

I've had this i responded thats a shame I will miss you when your gone and walked away saying I love you

She cracked within the hour 🤷‍♀️

I'm not lying i do miss her and I do love her but she needed a reminder that I'm not disciplining because I'm nasty im doing it because I think she is wrong in her actions

[Whydidimarryhim]

He will get worse as the children get older and become more challenging. Would he do a parenting course or family therapy.
He has very low self esteem. What was his childhood like and how did his parents manage his behaviour.

[MiriamMargo]

I actually can't stop thinking about your little girl, poor little mite, you basically have told us how you are allowing this tosser to abuse your daughter

[AntiHop]

He sounds like a bully. And self centred.

[msflibble]

Jesus OP, he sounds awful. What a shitty thing to say to a 4 yo - no wonder she prefers you. He sounds controlling and self-centred.
Kids say brutal things, they are just honest, it's our job to react with grace when they do because they are just children and we're the grown ups. DD has said stuff to this effect but DH takes it in his stride and understands that she's just a child and loves him deeply.
Children, and their behaviour / love are not a competition. What an awful petty man he is.

[CircleofWillis]

@WokesFromHome

What your DH said is well off, but also I think your DD is well off too.
I've spent way more time with my DS's than my DH has. He works away loads and we have a lovely relationship but my DC have never said anything like that. In fact, in moments of insecurity my DH has asked about their feelings and without fail they have said "I love you both the same".

Do you mean that your husband asks your children 'who do you love more?'. If so I think that is really inappropriate and puts unnatural emotional demands on your children.

[AnyFucker]

Even after the responses on this thread you still question if you are over reacting ?

I despair

[lottiegarbanzo]

He's not 'transactional' he's nasty and cruel.

He's going to deepen the divide between you and him, from the DCs' point of view, reflected in their feelings and behaviours. Children are the greatest 'transactionalists'. They also have keen memories.

I would introduce him to two things.

The Maya Angelou quote, roughly: 'No-one will remember what you say but they will remember how you made them feel.'

The old McCain's Oven Chips advert: 'Daddy or Chips?'.

The latter is funny, because, while absurd, it's also true. Children are very 'in the moment', very transactional, very literal.

I remember, at around age 5, ranking my love: Mummy, best friend, cat (or should it be cat, best friend? I pondered), Daddy.

That sort of ranking is the sort of thing 4-6 year-olds do. Just like being very clear about aged being precisely 4 and three-quarters, not four and a half.

[lyralalala]

That would be the end of my marriage.

To be spiteful to a 4 year old is just ridiculous. He didn't even just say about loving your DS more out of reaction, he then followed it up about birthdays. That's a cold, nasty thing to say to deliberately hurt another person - a 4 year old person.

If he doesn't do much with them what are the chances of him actually wanting 50/50?

Being around him 100% of the time will be much worse for her than 50%.

[EarthlyTent]

From your OP, I would've said he sounds insecure, childish and mean, but having read all of your later replies, he sounds totally insufferable tbh.

[DowntonCrabby]

That’s awful. He’s a grown man with the ability to rationalise what she said and she is a small child.

What a dick!

[QueSera]

It bothers me - but I don’t know if it’s an overreaction.

After so many MNers tell you that it should not only bother you, you should actively do something to stop this emotional abuse of your child - you're still don't know if it should bother you??? Please protect your child OP. I am heartbroken for your little girl, and you should be protecting her from this abuser.

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

So what are you actually going to do OP.

[SkyinthePie]

I've got to be honest with you - that would be divorce territory for me.

The despicable bastard. How anybody could say such deliberately cruel horrible things to a defenceless little child is beyond me.

[wildcherries]

If anything you're not reacting enough.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Oh yes and the other thing I was going to say is; he's cast himself as a child and is competing with the DCs for your attention.

Not dignified, not edifying, seriously fucked up, yet disturbingly common.

[MillyMollyFarmer]

Are you going to say whether you’ve spoken to him or not? It’s obviously not an overreaction, you must know that. What are you going to do about it?