Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

What a nasty bastard.

Not normal, OP. Part of being a parent is being an adult and suppressing your ego where appropriate. I don't think any of what he said or how he reacted is reasonable.

He sounds absolutely awful. My eldest child is only 2 but I would be murderous if my DH treated them like this. It's just so uncalled for. You need to pull him up on it firmly every single time. It's seriously unhealthy.

I mean, if an adult was acting like this towards me, as an adult, I would probably just stop contact. My grand father was like this. I hated it and stopped seing him as soon as I could.

@FatCatThinCat

She's quite an astute child isn't she. Of course she loves her mummy more, her daddy is a cruel, emotionally abusive arse, and she knows it.

^totally. Poor kids.

Yes he took the response too far but equally she should be reprimanded for saying something which is hurtful and that other people's feelings are as important as our own. Saying that she feels hurt now like daddy does.

He however, needs to apologise for the ott element of his comment.

He likes her to behave in a certain way I suppose, I think he doesn’t do well if his ego is damaged ... he’s like it with both children if they ‘show him up’ I suppose. He doesn’t have that much time with them.

Awful. And the stuff from your OP made me feel so sorry for your daughter. She's 4, she'll remember this. The way he treats them is damaging.

OP when you read what you've written here what do yoy think? Is this what you want for your children? I ask this genuinely, not in a barbed way. Because I'm sure the answer is no, its nit what you want for your children.

What does he say when you talk to him about it? And how did you react in the moment? Does he say similar things to you?

He's vile. Nasty, self obsessed, mean spirited. Probably a narcissist. Poor DD and poor you x

Have you ever challenged him about these things?

I will never be in the running for any parent of the year awards, but I would never ever, even in my darkest moments say anything like that to a child, let alone my own
He's so jealous of the affection your DD has for you. I'm not sure how you'd get past that in a relationship. Was his childhood very damaging?

That's a horrible thing to say to a child

@SoloMummy she does not need reprimanding for being 4!!

Good god, my son frequently says "I want daddy to put me to bed because I love him the best" and then the next day it's me he loves the best. He's a child! That's what they do.

OP he's a horrible horrible man. I was going to say I would leave him if he didn't apologise to her but I can see you fear the 50/50 split. Do you think he would want the children 50 percent of the time?

Fuck, that's cruel. What a twatty thing to do to your own child. He sounds childish, petty and vindictive. How does he treat you OP?

Agree with vast majority of PPs. He sounds very manipulative. It's really unhealthy to demand that your kids say they love you. And the 'I'll give you X if you give me a hug' isn't on either. This treatment really won't be good for your kids' emotional development. Can't advise you what to do but his behaviour towards them needs to change

Don't excuse and minimise his behaviour by calling it transactional.

It's manipulative and borderline abusive.

@SoloMummy

Yes he took the response too far but equally she should be reprimanded for saying something which is hurtful and that other people's feelings are as important as our own. Saying that she feels hurt now like daddy does.

He however, needs to apologise for the ott element of his comment.

Why would you expect more sophisticated and empathetic behaviour from a little girl than you do a grown man?

He sounds horrible, I wouldn't tolerate someone, anyone doing this to my child, especially if it's a normal occurrence and it coming from one of the people who is responsible for building good self confidence and self esteem.

No. Not normal at all. What an arsehole.

What does he say when you challenge him about his nasty behaviour towards her OP?

What a dick. That stuff will stick in her head - tell him you never, ever have favourites - it’s really fucking damaging..(he sounds like a self obsessed me me me twat tbh so probably won’t care about his daughters self-esteem and mental health, but tell him anyway).

Would he realistically want them 50% when they cramp his style and disappoint him so much?

The problem with staying is that you are condoning his abuse of them and teaching them this model of marriages - mum living and mid, Dad shitty.

Time for a serious talk about his attitude. Then time to draw some conclusions.

He won't go for 50/50, he clearly can't be bothered to be a decent dad. He'll just threaten to do it.

OMG, what an utter arse hole, prick, twat, bully and every other expletive. How can you be with a man who emotionally is mentally abusing your daughter?? Get rid of him, and safe your child from a childhood of emotional abuse.