Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

[thesunwillout]

Not sure if this will impact on you but, my daughter remembers very very clearly words and events that totally hurt her at 4.

Never forgotten. The toll on her mental health has caused terrible depression and anxiety for 18 yrs.
The severity has meant not coping with life, serious mental health issues.
Loss of education, untold meetings with camhs, schools, lack of self esteem.
A beaten down child basically.
The words haunt her.

If I could have prevented those words, or somehow protected her by removing her from the situation when she was exposed to the emotional abuse, her life would have been happier and she would have experienced childhood properly.

Change this situation for your kids.

I'm telling you now, your life and theirs can be improved. There is worse to come otherwise if you don't act now.
All those hopes and dreams you have for your daughter are possible if you stop this abuse.

Oh and he won't want 50/50 he just wants to make himself look better.

Leave him. He will drift out of your lives.

Another thought.

I know a woman who says things like this to her kids.
Bullies them.

It's the same thing but those kids stand no chance of change.

Yours do, with your response to this bully.

[ChickensMightFly]

When my DD/DS were little and said stuff like this I always replied with 'that's OK I love you all the time no matter what and that will never change.'
Love is like a flower that blooms where it is planted and nurtured and when the sun comes out. You can't force a flower to grow.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Don't let him teach your daughter that men are entitled to her affection and can punish her if she isn't pleasing.

[Happygogoat]

That's fucked up!! Have you confronted him?

[GabsAlot]

i wouldnt worry men likes this dont want joint custody like you said he doesnt bother much with them

[AcrossthePond55]

Ok, so am I understanding you right? You feel you don't have to do anything about his behaviour because your children's 'exposure to him is limited'? Is that right?

[GarlicSoup]

@FatCatThinCat

She's quite an astute child isn't she. Of course she loves her mummy more, her daddy is a cruel, emotionally abusive arse, and she knows it.

^
This

LTB

[EarthSight]

@Blueredlight

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

*His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’*

What an absolute childish, abusive WANKER. Children say some wacky things......but I'm thinking no wonder she loves you more!!

If I had kids and the father did something as pathetic, cruel and manipulative to a little child as this......it would be grounds for a divorce.

[Inkpaperstars]

I bet he's crap at his job. Most people who can't be self critical are.

[ilikemethewayiam]

That’s utterly cruel and damaging to your DD. She is entitled to voice her innocent opinions. She’s still exploring and trying to understand the world of emotions and feelings and how to express them. He’s an unevolved man-child who is coming down to a 4 year olds level because his ego can’t handle that his child has naturally bonded more with her mother at the moment. If that was me I would have chuckled to myself and at the same time feel happy that my child had a good, safe and strong bond with the other parent.

[Needhelp101]

My child with ASD kicked off massively at school pick up today. I was hit and almost bitten. They told me they hated me, that they hoped I'd die.

My response was a hug.

Eventually, they calmed down and told me they loved me, and I told them I loved them, and I always would, no matter what.

They are older than your child but, TBH, I'm struggling to see your husband as anything other than an emotionally abusive dickhead.

[Lozzerbmc]

It was a terrible thing to have said. He is clearly emotionally stunted. I hope you can plan to leave him.

Also people who brag about being great at their job usually arent!

[yecannyshoveyergranny]

He's abusive op. And he doesn't love them at all. Love is given freely, wanting the best for those you love and needing nothing in return. If either of my children loved my husband more that would be ok, I'm happy they have someone they feel secure with.

He wouldn't bother with 50/50. And even if
he did it's still better for them to see that it's not normal behaviour in a family environment and that you've stuck up for them. Eventually they will vote with their feet.

[Pesimistic]

Your dh has the emotional maturity of a 4 year old. What a horrible horrible man, because his own feelings were hurt and probably made him realise he is a
inadequate parent he decided to humiliate and upset his own daughter because she was being honest about her feelings which is what little children do as they dont have the emotional or intellectual maturity to understand that telling a little lie might save someone's feelings. I wouldnt be able to forgive him for that.

[EarthSight]

@Wearywithteens

This would be a divorcable act for me. To crush a small child like that, not any small child - his own daughter, and not give a shit is unforgivable. This is the sort of thing that stays with a child a lifetime and effects self esteem. What a vile narcissistic prick. I’m so angry for your little girl.

I agree!

[Autumn1122]

Why are you with this horrible man. Its bad enough what he said to her then I read your update about him getting annoyed at her for getting tired at 10pm when she was 3!!! Saying she ruins everything. Wtf, what kind of parent says stuff like this seriously

[Inkpaperstars]

Thinking about it OP, I think the fact that you describe this as transactional, or highlight that aspect of it rather than just calling it abusive, is worrying and shows a level of denial. If I were you I would try and confront this in a different way before he damages your children further.

[Gobbycop]

Wow.

That's a pretty fucked up way to speak to a 4 year old girl.

I don't really have anything else to say.

[Gobbycop]

If his ego can be damaged by a 4 year old girl I'd suggest chopping him in for a more robust model 😂

[shesgonebatshitagain]

@Inkpaperstars

Thinking about it OP, I think the fact that you describe this as transactional, or highlight that aspect of it rather than just calling it abusive, is worrying and shows a level of denial. If I were you I would try and confront this in a different way before he damages your children further.

Couldn’t agree more

[redastherose]

My exH was like this, I thought by staying I would limit the damage but with hindsight leaving would have been better for my DC. At least then they would have had normal most of the time and I was stupid to believe that he would want 50/50 because he is a lazy bastard.

[orangeblosssom]

He's a bully and will leave the kids emotionally scarred.

[Sunflower1970]

If he carries on like that he’s going to damage her psychologically. Telling her he loves her brother more is going to stick with her. He sounds a bit of an idiot to me. Sorry

[Sunflower1970]

Ps. I also think he is resentful about you and your girl’s relationship. The fact he says a 3 years old spoils everything.Red Flag!!!

[chatterbugmegastar]

How can you allow your children to be around someone like this?