Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

[HappyInL0nd0n]

Hi. It's entirely possible that your husband is an irredeemable idiot, but on the off chance he's not, it might be worth googling some Philippa Perry videos on YouTube. She talks a lot about the responses our children can trigger in us that echo our own childhoods. It's helped me to understand that sometimes when I'm feeling tired and overwhelmed by my four year old's constant wish for me to interact with her, it triggers for me the shame of always wanting more from my (very tired) single mum than she was able to offer. She would push me away telling me to go and play and make me feel ashamed for wanting so much of her company. I try to be aware of that and work on it in my own parenting.

Perhaps he grew up in a home where 'I love your brother more than I love you' or similar sentiments were voiced. Perhaps he was triggered when he heard her saying she prefers you and lashed out. It could also explain why he was particularly self-conscious when she was unsettled around his family late in the evening - it could all trigger for him deeply held views about how his family regard him and his own self esteem. All things he can work on, but he'll need courage and self awareness to do so.

I think what's important is whether he understands what he said was very wrong and whether he's prepared to apologise to her (and you).

Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

[MysteriesOfTheOrganism]

@RepeatSwan

Erm, your DH needs to talk that through with a therapist imo, that's pretty horrid.

^this

[goldensummerhouse]

I think sometimes it just hits a nerve with parents when a child says something like that. He took it way to far though. Someone should tell her that she shouldn't say things like that though.

Have you ever met a four year old?!

My six year old was enamoured with a kids tv presenter and said he wanted her to be his Mummy instead of me. it stung a little bit, but I was able to gather together the brain cells to understand that he wasn't being hurtful, he was just being honest about his feelings. Very young children aren't capable of complex communication yet.

This woman's husband is a douche. He needs to grow up. And he needs to apologize to his daughter.

[CatteStreet]

If my husband had said that to our child, he would be apologising and reassuring her or gone, tonight.

His emotional development sounds arrested, tbh ('the fucking dog's bollocks'? Who over the age of about 9 says that of themselves without irony?), but that isn't your problem and it mustn't become your children's.

He needs to leave the house until he has thoroughly reflected and worked on himself.

[QueenofAsgard]

She will always remember that. That's quite some damage he's done there. The Prick.

[ElanaD]

What a fucking prick!!!! Omg!

[Snipples]

I don't understand this at all. You say he is wouldn't put himself out for his children. Being a parent is all about putting yourself out. That's it in a nutshell. Doing shit for your kids because they come first.

[Antibles]

Nasty bastard. Emotionally scarring your child like that. No wonder she loves you more.

He sounds like a narcissist. They are incredibly transactional. Or in old money, tit for tat. It's all about whey they can get from a relationship. Narcissists only value their children as extensions of themselves and the children need to make them look and feel good or else.

[awsomer]

‘i’ll give you X if you give me a hug’

She’s learning that giving physical attention gets you stuff. And on top of that she’s having to accept emotional manipulation and to let people touch and hug her when she doesn’t want it. Just what you want your daughter to learn.

[wildcherries]

@Snipples

I don't understand this at all. You say he is wouldn't put himself out for his children. Being a parent is all about putting yourself out. That's it in a nutshell. Doing shit for your kids because they come first.

This.

He also doesn't have much 'exposure' to them. He doesn't sound like a parent at all. Just an insecure little man.

[BlessedBeTheFruitCake]

She is only 4! And he is an arsehole.

[Thenneverendingstorohree]

My youngest had a phase of repeatedly to DH that he loves me more than him. DH always replied something along the lines of “love you enough for two” or “that’s okay because I love you to the moon” etc...

Your DP’s response was weird and cruel.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Have you yourself become inured to his abuse of you?. This man is actively damaging both children here, particularly your daughter. He could well affect their relationship as siblings going forward.

I doubt very much that such a man would actually obtain a 50/50 arrangement and that is mere supposition on your part too. He does not really want 50/50 either and is likely using a threat of this to further make you cower in fear.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices for them going forward.

[Cadent]

He won't want them 50/50.

[ChickensMightFly]

Urgh. Kids say stuff like that you don't need to retaliate if you're not 4. If this is who he is and not some idiotic slip up he'd be gone from my life my kids wouldn't be growing up with that.

[Etinox]

@Notcrackersyet

Actually she’s not old enough to know she’s hurting other people’s feelings. That kicks in properly around 6ish.
I’m a step parent and i know well the feeling of a little one sticking a little knife in my heart with this kind of innocent statement.
But in my case it’s easy to rationalise as she’s supposed to love her actual parents more than anyone else in the world and it would be alarming if she didn’t. In your partner’s case it’s a wake up call to tell him he’s doing something wrong.

Wise words. All the children in your life are lucky to have you!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

This relationship is to all intents and purposes over. No good at all will come of continuing to be with him.

[lottiegarbanzo]

And it's not about whether it bothers you OP. It's about the fact that it really, really bothers your children.

You are their carer, their lifeline, their champion.

How are you going to save them from this cruelty?

[Feelingpoorlysick]

Wow, I wouldn't allow anyone to speak to my child like that.
Especially their father.

[LuluBellaBlue]

When I was 8 years old I didn’t want to say goodnight to my dad as we’d had an argument earlier on so I turned my back on him in a strop.

He never, ever, said goodnight, tried to kiss or hug me or any other way of showing affection again until I was 22 and had a massive argument with him and brought it up.
His attempts now or futile and it’s awkward. I’ll never be able to forgive him for it.
I was 8, he was an adult and should have known better.

Please give your husband a good shake and warm him he’s at a real risk of his daughter growing up and hating him.

[Clymene]

Your husband is an unfit parent and a despicable human being. That is unspeakably cruel

[Saggyoldsofa]

I think you're bang on the money with the narcissism thing.

I had one like this who described himself as "extremely talented". He wasn't. He was a cluster B bellend and he is thankfully now gone. They don't improve! No kids together in our case .... quite rightly he had concluded he did not want children because he was far too selfish!

[chillimartini]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion
You are bonkers!!! She is a small child and he is an adult...her parent!

He sounds like he is rather emotionally abusive (and a dick) Is he like that with your DS too?

[Saggyoldsofa]

I'd have gone absolutely bananas at him by the way. He is damaging her with statements like that.

[OohThatCat]

He sounds terrible, sorry OP. Your daughter doesn't mean to hurt him, but when he said that he deliberately meant to hurt her. I don't think I could forgive that.