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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

329 replies

Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:26

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now Hmm

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

OP posts:
Mippi · 16/09/2020 20:05

@RandomMess

Would he realistically want them 50% when they cramp his style and disappoint him so much?

The problem with staying is that you are condoning his abuse of them and teaching them this model of marriages - mum living and mid, Dad shitty.

Yes, he'd lose interest pretty quickly when they don't behave as he wants and cry for their mummy!
QueSera · 16/09/2020 20:06

Good lord OP. This is horrific. And it certainly doesn't bode well for the future, and their future relationship.

He needs to apologise big time. He needs to grow up. He needs a full-on personality change.

Does he have any good points? Because this horrific way of treating his DD is unacceptable and I as a mother would not allow it.

Bellamybells · 16/09/2020 20:06

Most kids love one caregiver more at one point. Even if they don't, they say things like this.

Does dh understand what he's done?

RandomUser3049 · 16/09/2020 20:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SoulofanAggron · 16/09/2020 20:07

Saying that she feels hurt now like daddy does.

@SoloMummy The level of hurt he inflicted is far worse, and a very young chiild saying something like that (as children do) doesn't make his response ok.

@Blueredlight A PP is right that she might well remember this incident.

I would say to him that this has to be the last time he talks to them like that, or it's the end.

Even in the rare event he sticks to 50/50, that means you have 50% of the time to give them a different way of life. At the moment, they don't really have that.

ALLIS0N · 16/09/2020 20:07

He sounds nasty, jealous and immature.

Her comment was entirely natural for her age.

Is this the thin end of The wedge OP?

SandyY2K · 16/09/2020 20:07

He was very mean and immature. As the adult, he should have known better.

You need to tell him in a calm way that his response to DD wasn't acceptable.

If he thinks it was appropriate...how about you tell him that it would be helpful to gain the views of your peers...your siblings...friends who have kids and see what they say.

I hate to say it but my BIL is jealous and insecure with my DNs... a bit similar to the card incident with your DD... one year they bought my Dsis a Christmas present and she opened it before he opened his gift..and said to the kids "I hope my present is as good as your mum's."

It's just awful behaviour...when it's mother's day....he'll say.. you better make sure I get something that costs as much on father's day.

Personcalledjoy · 16/09/2020 20:07

Yikes. That's a pathological level of jealousy normally reserved for abusive relationships with partners. It's like they view love as a limited resource and it's giving and receiving is a zero-sum game, there are winners and losers.
But, I'd have to say if someone's experiencing those feelings in response to the behaviour of a 4 year old child this is likely also combined with a serious lack of awareness of others experiences.

Any concerns with your husband's behaviour within your relationship? Socially? What does he do for a living?

MummytoCSJH · 16/09/2020 20:09

He sounds dreadful. What an awful thing to say to a 4 year old.

Crystal1975 · 16/09/2020 20:09

What a sad spiteful cunt he is
I think i would have launched all his stuff straight out of the nearest window/door, swiftly followed by him, assisted by my foot up his arse
Poor little girl, now in bed upset about how her dad treats and speaks to her
I’m not sure I’d be able to let this go and forgive him

damnthatanxiety · 16/09/2020 20:09

She's 4. He's a complete wanker.

Skibideebapbapbap · 16/09/2020 20:09

Wow, just wow, you seem so accepting of this awful mans behaviour.

This is emotional abuse and will damage your daughter.

I speak from experience, sadly.

PeaceAndHarmoneeee · 16/09/2020 20:09

That's appalling.

He's an adult ffs and what he said was so hurtful to a 4 year old.

He needs to apologise, reassure and recover things with his daughter ASAP.

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/09/2020 20:10

God he sounds like a dick.

At that age come bedtime ds used to say ‘go away daddy, I don’t love you I only love mummy’

Dh thought it was adorable.

Original poster
Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 20:11

I don’t know really.
Most of the time he’s ok with them but he has limited exposure.
It’s on his terms I think, I suppose that’s how I’d describe it - their relationship. He doesn’t often ‘put himself out’ for them.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 16/09/2020 20:11

F**k.

He's horrible. Your poor dd. She won't forget that. He needs to Massively apologise.

PeaceAndHarmoneeee · 16/09/2020 20:12

And agree that is emotional abuse, I'd also be telling my DP to leave I he was making comments like that to my kids.

We all lose our rag occasionally or shout but not to that level of psychologically damaging vile comments.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2020 20:12

What a sad fucker. You are attracted to this loser ? Confused

Fightthebear · 16/09/2020 20:12

Jesus - I put my 13 year old on a screen ban today and his response was “this is why I’m not going to have anything to do with this family after I leave home”.

It hurts but you have to not rise to the bait. We’re adults, they’re children. We’re supposed to manage our emotional response and help them to manage theirs.

What your DP said is completely unacceptable and your duty is to your child Flowers

DishingOutDone · 16/09/2020 20:13

And you're ok with that?

He's not transactional, he's a cunt. You sound very detached, poor baby only 4. I feel sick reading your post.

I stayed with an arsehole because I was worried he would get 50:50 or even 90:10, and gave my children a childhood they will need to recover from. I am ashamed. Perhaps that's an emotion your H needs to feel a bit of? What are you going to do OP?

colouringindoors · 16/09/2020 20:13

And even then, I'm not sure I would want to be around him. And I'm not sure you and your dd should be. He sounds toxic.

firstimemamma · 16/09/2020 20:14

LTB op and I'm not one of those mumsnetters who says that to everything. I grew up in a horrible environment (different to what u describe but similar in some ways). I won't go into any details but my mother chose her partner over me every time, no matter what he said or did to me, for many years. Over ten years now of zero contact now and that will never, ever change. You need to protect your daughter from her father.

DishingOutDone · 16/09/2020 20:14

Op are you not NT? Because why are you asking in your title "would this bother you?" - I think the question really is why doesn't it bother you - so much so that you hand him his sorry spiteful arse on a plate? Hmm?

Coffeecak3 · 16/09/2020 20:14

Your dh must be a very insecure person to behave like this with his dc.
Does he have history for having to come first?

MillyMollyFarmer · 16/09/2020 20:15

Have you talked to him about this?