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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men in relationships using prostitutes

216 replies

AnonForThisPlease · 08/01/2019 22:24

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 08/01/2019 22:27

Many reasons: People sometimes get bored having sex with one person. They want to perform a sex act their partner doesn't enjoy or won't do. They enjoy the taboo thrill. They want to have sex with somebody young and attractive. They want a threesome. They aren't getting enough sex at home.

I'm sure there's more. Not excusing any of them.

Original poster
AnonForThisPlease · 08/01/2019 22:49

Yes - these are the reasons i was aware of before and stupidly felt safe! We'd only been together a few years, were having sex at least once a day, nothing off-limits and he was constantly telling me it was the best he'd ever experienced - i felt exactly the same about this, it was incredible. So i would smugly have assumed zero risk re prostitutes - if the question had even occurred to me - and that's why this is such a giant mind fuck. It does make me think maybe a lot more people are doing tis than we realise

OP posts:
MissLanesAmericanCousin · 08/01/2019 22:49

I used to believe this too, about men. But, only because my mother believed it. It isn't true though. For example, my DH doesn't believe in cheating period (with or without a sex worker) because he saw the great damage that was done to his own mother by his philandering father. He has told me and others that he wouldn't cheat, even if I didn't find out about it, because he would know that he'd done it and that's enough.

I'm so sorry this is happening, Op. Even if you are off him now, I know it must still hurt. You deserve so much more happiness than you're getting. I really hope you find it. Flowers

Wearywithteens · 08/01/2019 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Bumbelinadance · 08/01/2019 23:04

My ex used prostitutes , didn’t know Until I rang him once in a hotel room when he was abroad on business and one answered
It made me feel awful
We had lots of sex , I was far from frigid and adverse to role play
I have nothing personal against sex workers
His argument was flimsy and we broke up

I think he did because he could afford it and that was what was common in his profession , we were both young at the time

It broke up up a family and a marriage though
Affected my self esteem horribly in future relationships
I think he still uses prostitutes actually

YeOldeNameChange · 08/01/2019 23:10

I think it’s because they want to have sex with a different person and experience that new feeling.
I definitely don’t think all or most men do this but a certain type of man is able to convince himself it’s ok
It’s also a type of person who is a thrill seeker I think

jessstan2 · 08/01/2019 23:10

No, not all men would do it if they had the chance. There are plenty of men who would hate to do it, they like a loving relationship and nothing else.

Some people like forbidden fruit, they find the idea attractive and exciting with no strings. Once they've done it, if it lived up to what they expected, they're likely to do it again. It must be very hurtful for you.
Flowers

showmeshoyu · 08/01/2019 23:12

Working with a lot of men, I think a huge proportion wouldn't even consider it. Of course, online you get pockets of people like here who have had bad experiences. Like Amazon reviews, you get a clustering of people who have had a bad experience with a product.

But one thing I've noticed is men are better at compartmentalizing it all. They have an itch to scratch, they rationalize it and put it in a box somewhere. That's not excusing them, more showing how little some people think of a real connection and respect etc.

TerriTummyTowels · 08/01/2019 23:16

Who needs sex more than once a day? Christ. I make sure to have sex with DH every single day to avoid this and it has worked so far

Jsku · 08/01/2019 23:16

Some do it because it’s easier and requires less effort than having a relationship.
Others for variety/thrill. Those woild have a hard time giving it up for anyone. It’s just so early to get/hide these days.

Lushlemming · 08/01/2019 23:31

Men pay for sex for all sorts of reasons. But a huge part of it (I think) isn't so much the sex, they're also paying the woman to leave afterwards. Sex within a relationship is seldom without conditions. It's to get pregnant, to keep her happy, to keep him happy, to "pay" for something, to make-up after an argument, there are so many reasons, but it's hardly ever just for fun.

Prostitutes have none of that baggage. A guy I knew who used to go to Amsterdam regularly said it was "just like having a wank but the porn is real". A bit grim but I sort of see his logic.

Original poster
AnonForThisPlease · 08/01/2019 23:32

Thanks everyone this gives me hope...i do know what you're saying is true that not everyone is like this. It's just so shocking how i couldn't tell - and honestly i think people who know him would be astonished too if they knew. I think thrill-seeking is right - the risk/taboo/rule-breaking aspect - and the ability to compartmentalise is also spot on. When I've wanted to discuss the whole thing with him he gets angry and says 'oh god not the ritual humiliation again' as if the rest of the time he doesn't even know about this aspect of himself.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 09/01/2019 00:13

Hang on, OP - are you still WITH him?
When is it that you bring up his prostitute habit and he brushes it off?

potatoscone · 09/01/2019 00:21

Omg what the hell. You are still with him?

WhY?

ASAS · 09/01/2019 00:27

OP, ARE you still with him?

I once read on here, about sex workers: my poverty consents but my soul does not. Tells you everything you need to know about men who abuse women in this context.

Calvinsmam · 09/01/2019 00:34

It’s really sad seeing some women on this thread saying that they aren’t frigid and are open to sex as though the reason men use prostitutes is because their wives are frigid or it’s up to women to keep men interested because they can’t help themselves.

No men use prostitutes because they are entitled aresholes who believe their orgasm is the most important thing in the world, trumping women’s security, safety, trust and respect.

Not all men use prositutes and if I ever found out my husband had ever paid for a sex act I would leave him.

TerriTummyTowels · 09/01/2019 01:42

it’s up to women to keep men interested because they can’t help themselves

It's not so much that but it's a bit like walking a dog, if you don't do that they go a bit stir crazy and I've found men to be somewhat similar if they aren't.. walked on a frequent basis, although obviously most don't resort to prostitutes and just sulk or nag instead

Hedgehogblues · 09/01/2019 01:51

You need to meet a better calibre of man.

showmeshoyu · 09/01/2019 01:53

You need to meet a better calibre of man.
Or start charging... choose a side.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 04:07

Ok, man reporting (if username isn't obvious enough). I don't really highlight my sex like this btw.

Anyway, I'm a member of various fetish boards, d&s boards, general sex boards etc, along with my (female) DP, and have been so for 20+ years.

Why do men seek prostitution?

It's nothing to do with your sex-life at home, amount/type of sex, beauty, dressing up, fetishes etc. Although many men will cite they were bored, wanted a threesome, anal, deep throat etc etc etc.

Bollocks excuses.

On a fundamental primal level, sex is about two things. Power and control. That is it. Forcing someone to have anal, a plussome, forced deep throat, fetishes. I'm sure I don't need to go into detail.

A man will seek prostitution to exert power and control. Same escorts. Same for men in relationships where they force their partner into various sexual acts. (You can include emotional, physical, financial abuse et al in this area - power and control).

These men are scum, animals, and various terms I could happily use that would see me banned. They are not proper "men" in any regard.

Note: a couple participating in D&S, or any other fetish under full consent on both sides obviously doesn't fall under this.

And no, some of us men, even those of us who do enjoy various, cough, "fun", will never exert power and control in any non-consensual way. Ever. About anything.

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 04:34

As a stripper with some inside perspective on this the main reasons I’ve encountered would be

  • Taboo fetishes
  • Wanting someone different or younger, even if you’re perfectly satisfying them
  • Specifically fetishizing sex with a sex worker
  • Curiosity (if one time case)

And I’d completely disagree with “all men cheat” even though with my job I’m surrounded by evidence of it, it’s not representative of everyone and that’s just some idiotic excuse for his behaviour. My husband completely ridicules the guys along with me and finds them rather pathetic.

Oh also some feel like sex with sex workers isn’t quite cheating as there’s normally no emotional component.

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 04:37

Also I’d disagree that every guy is abusive etc. There are also plenty of average and even very nice blokes. Everyone has different reasons and equating everyone to rapists isn’t helpful, sure it’s easier but it’s just not the case.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 04:50

Hmm, you reminded me of something @HappyStripper.

For some of these men, in my experiences it can be about handing over power and control to someone else (why they cannot do this this with their OH I can't comprehend). Ever had a man, probably a nice/reasonable one, give over power/control even if not explicitly stated? Would assume you have.

And agree, all guys are not abusive, no. The emotional component is a very, very good point too. Hope you and your hubby are very happy :)

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 05:31

@SimplySteve you really hit the nail on the head.

A lot of emotions are involved with it that people are too quick to dismiss for him being abusive / a dickhead / pervert. Being submissive as a man is still very shunned in society and that creates a really big issue even beyond sex.

Honestly if anything I find overly dominant kinks in normal relationships to be more suspicious. Even if it’s done lovingly and consensually, the urge to be violent with a loved one has to come from somewhere.

I’d also like to point out I’m not justifying OP’s ex’s behaviour, cheating is never acceptable. It’s just frustrating that the focus of these threads always ends up being on sex workers being victims etc (which many sex workers hate and disagree with), rather than focusing on the fact he cheated.

Sorry this turned into rather an essay, I like to put in my 2 cents when a thread starts to make such sweeping claims without PPs having any personal experience of the industry.

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 05:36

And to harp on further. There are also those that are abusive. However those are also the people that abuse sex workers, rather than just being a standard customer. Trust me, we can tell guy’s characters very quickly after a while. I want to make sure I’m balanced as it does seem to be a very polarizing topic.