Men in relationships using prostitutes

[AnonForThisPlease]

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

Do you think people who pay sex workers would spend that amount of money if they could oh so easily go off and find sex for free any time they wished?

Loads of men who can get sex in other ways pay for consent.

Because they feel entitled to have sex when they wish and how they wish.

Men engaging with sex workers is a lot more common than most people realise I think. I’ve known 5-6 normal, upstanding guys with careers and kids and often marriages who’ve told me they’ve been sleeping with sex workers or have done in the past. Of those guys the reasons were:

• in a long term marriage that was otherwise happy but his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore and hasn’t for years, refuses to discuss or acknowledge it or work on it, eventually he decided to get his sexual needs met with a sex worker rather than end the marriage

• into kink and fetish and bored with his wife sexually, wanted a specific attribute from the sex worker he couldn’t get elsewhere

• wanted the excitement of sex with someone new but didn’t want to risk and affair being found out/another woman telling his wife

• went for a massage abroad in a parlour, claims he thought it was just a typical above board place, offered a happy ending, was single and thought ‘why not’ impulsively

• lonely, couldn’t meet anyone despite trying, single dad of several kids, wanted to do something for himself and feel physical contact, enjoyed the cuddling as well as sex despite knowing it was transactional

• deaf, socially isolated, no confidence, never had a girlfriend, wanted to experience what sex was like, had money to burn

Everyone’s reason is different.

Watched a documented on channel 5 the other week about women paying for sex, from male and female sex workers, pretty interesting. Most of the women who agreed to be interviewed said they’d struggled to find a partner who wasn’t selfish sexually and who gave them enough foreplay/took the time to learn what turned them on and got them off. These workers were offering stuff like full body and vulva massage. The women saw it as a way of treating themselves and trying something new. One woman who went to see a female sex worker always wondered if she was bisexual but wanted to try it out in a safe place where the focus was on here with no romantic entanglements.

Bottom line OP: cheating is wrong. And going to a sex worker is cheating. End of. To echo others, I’m assuming he’s an ex now?

Yeah, I’m not saying that everyone who goes to a sex worker does so cos they can’t get it elsewhere. I’m saying not everyone can get sex like Steve claims.

People with severe disabilities, people with mild learning difficulties but who have a sex drive, people who are seen as conventionally unattractive, morbidly obese, too shy to go out and find someone, a million reasons.

See that’s the problem it becomes a slippery slope. You’ve started that with people with severe disabilities and ended with people who are just shy.

I feel bad for people with severe disabilities who might find getting a sexual partner difficult but if someone doesn’t want to have sex with unless you pay them that’s not a fair sexual exchange. I also dispair of a world where people think that men’s orgasms are more important than a woman’s right to not to have sex with someone they aren’t sexually attracted to.
The idea that men have any right whatsoever over women’s bodies and that they are a commodity that can be bought and sold sets a really dangerous precedent. You only have to read the posts on this forum to see the effects of it.

Sorry phrased that poorly. I’m talking about the people who can’t get sex any other way, not the many people who use sex workers for other reasons! But you make a good point (about people using sex workers for lots of issues: not the consent)

Yup, I shall admit that part of my post was extremely poorly thought out and written. As some with severe disabilities, and my experience, I should've been more considered. My apologies.

if someone doesn’t want to have sex with unless you pay them that’s not a fair sexual exchange. I also dispair of a world where people think that men’s orgasms are more important than a woman’s right to not to have sex with someone they aren’t sexually attracted to.

Who has the standing to say whether something is a fair sexual exchange other than the individuals involved? Beyond inability to consent due to age/mental incapacity of course.

Anyway I’m not trying to derail into the rights and wrongs of sex work on your thread, sorry OP. It’s certainly a polarising topic. What matters is that you’re not happy with your partner, as he’s betrayed you and broken your consent as you were having sexual with him under the belief he was being faithful to you.

No worries Steve, it’s a rare and wonderful thing to see someone acknowledge they made a mistake online and be so gracious 😂

Ahh the true arts of yoni massage not that I've ever charged for it mind, or removed consent!

Who has the standing to say whether something is a fair sexual exchange other than the individuals involved?

Erm the law.

That’s why you can’t rent a house and say ‘you can rent this house in exchange for sex’.

When people need money or shelter they might do things they like pulsating normally do.

that was an awesome autocorrect!
I meant to say wouldn’t normally do

Well that’s okay then Calvinsmam, given that prostitution is legal in the U.K. (not sure where you’re from where it isn’t?)

Not that an individual’s morality is always dictated by the laws of their land, but if that’s what works for you each to their own.

Pulsating 😂 topical!

Soliciting on the street, running a brothel, and being someone’s pimp (awful term) are all illegal in the UK, but the act of exchanging sex for money is completely legal for over 18s.

It’s so backwards that the actual act is legal, yet something that could help you to be much more safe while you do it (working alongside other sex workers) isn’t.

This is just in a whole other level to cheating. The majority of prostitutes are drug addicts, many are being exploited. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who'd used the sex trade in the past, let alone while I was with them.

It's different to cheating IMO. It's not emotional, it's a form of exploitation.

Haha, autocorrect of the year right there @Calvinsmam !

But I agree with @VietnameseCrispyFish about the rest.

You know what you believe what you need to believe to make yourself feel like better about the world.
But I’ve actually worked with women who’ve escaped the sex trade and have friends who were Male prostitutes and I’m never going to believe that buying sex is just a bit of harmless fun, two people fairly exchanging something they have.
So I’m out of this conversation.

@Lookingforadvice123 here here 👏

I think some of the comments here are pretty naive. There are 'sex workers' especially those specializing it domination who actually enjoy their job. I advice you seek out and ask a dominatrix who does it for a living what she thinks about it and whether she feels she's being exploited by these men!

Married men visiting prostitutes is wrong. I think thats just obvious. Its not up for debate. But there are lots of sexless relationships and if those couples decide to stay together its pretty naive to think the guy wont want sex every again. Men are biologically wired to want sex, its hardwired into them. Its not a question of anyone feeling entitled to have sex, its just a basic biological fact, whether we like it or not.

But there are lots of sexless relationships and if those couples decide to stay together its pretty naive to think the guy wont want sex every again. Men are biologically wired to want sex, its hardwired into them.

Ah yes, the "men are hardwired to fuck fuck fuck" bollocks. Used by a fuckton of men to "justify" their dalliances, both cheating and to a sex worker.

If in a sexless relationship, and he doesn't want to leave, and she supports his prostitution wish then fine. It's obtuse, but fine and does happen. Some women actually go along and watch in this scenario. In some of these situations though, the man has manipulated the relationship into being sexless for this reason. Also, despite consent from the partnership other, there is still a power kick for the man, as he knows the sexworker has to accede to his demands requests.

I also know several dominatrix going back many years, who love what they do. However, they are also under no illusions the man, or woman, the "submissive" so to say, has full control thanks to filthy lucré.

Whereas a proper D&s setup has consent, triggers, and money providing no part.

If you ask any Dom if they'd prefer a grand or the subtleties, distinct feeling and raw emotion present in a true D&s experience, you'll get one response, and it ain't the money.

Marycornish have you ever actually worked with sex workers? I can assure you that the prostitutes you have working the streets, or in grim brothels, are not there by direct choice ie because they enjoy it. They're there to fuel a drug habit, or because they're in deep poverty, or because they've been trafficked. You can easily find the statistics of the number of sex workers with drug habits online.

I think you're being a bit ignorant of the facts. No one is justifying affairs. But as someone who's studied evolutionary biology I recommend you doing some research.. I was simply saying from a scientific point of view men are hardwired this way, they're controlled as much by their hormones as us women are. Why else do you explain the fact that a woman in a loving relationship will leave that said relationship if the male partner tells her he doesnt want children? The biological need is strong enough to leave the man she loves in order to find another man who will impregnate her. As a woman there is no way to explain that to a man, to explain the hormonal urge to have a child, that surpasses anything else at that point. Part of being human thinking creatures is that we like to think we are somehow above these urges, but we're not. You cant argue with your biological makeup sadly.

A man may very well stay in a sexless relationship, some do, but you cant say with a straight face that he'd be happy, or fulfilled. Thats not to say he wont still love his partner, but as Ive said its all hormones and how we're wired at the end of the day, as frustrating as we might find that.

I dont know what a 'proper' d&s relationship is, or what a 'true' Dom is, you seem to think because you know a few Doms that you are the spokesperson for them. Probably the most popular d&s relationships online especially on platforms like instant chat is the financial domination side of things, which is in the main purely about money, and if you think these Doms aren't 'proper' Doms then you're sadly mistaken as they are some of the most successful Doms on the scene. I should know, my ex sister in law has a chambers in Devon. But nice try.

Im no fan of women working on the streets to fund drug habits. Ive never said that I was. Its appalling. But thats not what the argument was about. No one in their right mind would think it was a good idea. But to portray everyone who works in the sex industry to be some some of exploited victim is sadly not in grasp of the facts. And yes as stated I know very well a person who works in said industry, and she's certainly not a victim and would challenge you if you suggested it to her.