Men in relationships using prostitutes

[AnonForThisPlease]

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

To the guy getting uppity, I think you have bigger issues than commenting on here. Whilst I have no issue with those who work in it who want to post here, your posts smacked of some kind of almost ‘boasting’ ‘hey look at how many sex worker related forums I’m on etc, it’s my speciality ‘ and then proceeded to wave at one of the industry workers, sorry Steve but that smacks of really, really odd to me. A lot of partnered up ladies on here have had lives turned upside down by being totally unaware and are usually pretty upset and disgusted, so for them it’s a really serious issue, not a bit of light entertainment involving ‘waving’

On short op there is no hope of recovering while you're with this loser....You need to sack this off asap.

The sad and simple truth is that people do it because they can...Sure they like to come up with all sorts of bullshit "reasons" as to do or did, but it all boils down to that.

When are people going to stop reeling off this hardwired biology bullshit and start expecting more of today's men??

This acceptance and biological excuse culture for shit behaviour is stunting the mass emotional and intellectual evolution of men. Smh.

Until there is a huge sweep in mass consciousness you are going to see this type of grim behaviour in certain individuals..

Not all men are like this....Not at all.

Raise your bar today and find someone who has some self respect, and self control.

Good luck

OP - I am starting to have doubts that you are what you say you are.
This is just all too clinical.

I can’t imagine a woman who found out a while ago that her bf/H/partner has been a regular prostitute user - stay with said man.
And a few years down the line dispassionately discuss reason why men do that.
Just makes no sense.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh great a conspiracy theorist. Who or what are you thinking i am exactly?

Well if you weren't still with him, this wouldn't be taking up so much of your head space. So it's relevant.

Men who see women as objects. As commodities to be bought and paid for.

I was with my exH for eight years and he never cheated. Have been with DP for four years and he never has. This is not what most men are like at all. I’ve never dated anyone who has slept with a sex worker, at least none that have admitted it. It’s not the norm for men to cheat or to sleep with sex workers.

The reasons I think some men do it is:
Control - they feel out of control in their home or work life or perhaps even both. Can’t control their spouse/partner so want that control over a sex worker instead.
Fetish- they’re into something they know their partner would never agree to do.
Loneliness- I’d say this is particularly true for men who work away for long stints.

OP - it has less to do with conspiracy and more to do with wasting people’s time.

Hard to see how generic reasons men use prostitutes - can be helpful to anyone.
People come here with real life situations and issues. Open up. Ask for advise.

You are only engaging in some abstract way. Unclear if it’s even about you.

So - what’s the point of all this? And how is this remotely useful to you?

DP wouldn't do it even with 0 risk. He'd find it gross and wouldn't be able to get aroused at the thought that a) she was being abused b) she was diseased. So that's bollocks.

I think it's about power. Prostitutes make some blokes few powerful, like they can do whatever they want, like they have control over women/ other people/ their lives.

Or they're just saddos

Op I think that Mmom was trying to encourage you to open up about the reasons that you've chosen to stay with this frankly horrid person whilst quite literally tearing yourself to pieces.

She wants to help as we all do!

You don't have to put up with that shitty treatment!

But as someone who's studied evolutionary biology I recommend you doing some research.. I was simply saying from a scientific point of view men are hardwired this way, they're controlled as much by their hormones as us women are. Why else do you explain the fact that a woman in a loving relationship will leave that said relationship if the male partner tells her he doesnt want children? The biological need is strong enough to leave the man she loves in order to find another man who will impregnate her.

Yes note the women will end the relationship whereas the man...

I'm not denying biological drive but you don't explain why men generally don't end the relationship whereas women generally do - why is that? It's about misogyny: not viewing women as actual people and sheer male entitlement.

Power and control usually. The same reasons that men say they go to strip clubs.

I would not tolerate this in any relationship. I could not be with a man who would think it's ok to use and abuse a woman in this way whether they had done it when single or in a relationship.

@TerriTummyTowels you have sex with your husband everyday so he doesn't sleep with prostitutes?? Good god

We dont get anywhere near that but I don't worry that he's going to pay for sex....

@AnonForThisPlease have you stayed with your partner? X

you have sex with your husband everyday so he doesn't sleep with prostitutes?

It's not quite that grim but I guess the outcome is similar in that it stops all sorts of straying or even looking at porn or other women if I keep my boy drained. Dan Savage the famous sex columnist says as much.

I cannot abide the superior attitude of the kind of post like the evolutionary biology one in who the poster says 'you need to do some research' 'I have studied' 'the scientific fact is'. No real scientist talks like that.

Maybe the evidence shows something about sex hormones but particularly when you're talking about behaviour there are all sorts of other environmental factors that influence people. Sex is a very good example of it because maybe men's hormones do (in general) make them more focussed on sex - I don't know if this is proven or not. However they have nothing to do with the how or the what of sexual activity. That is learned behaviour. That's why people have kinks and fetishes and whatnot.

So only a man with a particular attitude to the HOW of sex - and attitude has nothing to do with brain chemistry - would want to pay for sex. Usually one who dies not equate sec with emotional intimacy, presumably.

Terri

And what happens if you get some kind of illness that means you can’t have sex every day, or you have a bereavement or just don’t fancy it?

You’ve set yourself up for a situation where his behaviour is depended on you giving him access to sex. I suppose by your reckoning if you couldn’t or didn’t want to have sex every day then it’s not his fault if he strays?

This kind of bullshit attitude ruins sex for women, it means they feel they have to have sex as some form of duty and not that they only need to have sex when they want to and are in the mood.

Having sex with your husband so he doesn’t stray doesn’t exactly scream consent any more than having sec with someone in exchange for money.

@OutPinked , how do you know your partners have never cheated? just because they have never been caught or told you doesn't mean to say its never happened.
A lot of men do cheat and also use sex workers its a massive multi million pounds industry in the U.K. Personally I've only known 1 man who was loyal to his wife and never cheated. Basically the majority are like dogs.

Its astonishing to read comments about misogyny followed by comments stating 'the majority of men are dogs'.. go figure that one! Sadly both men and women cheat. I was simply saying that in a sexless relationship the man, and sometimes the woman, will seek out sex elsewhere. We're all human at the end of the day, we're all controlled by hormones whether we like it or not. People stay together for all sorts of reasons in unhappy or unfulfilled relationships, but you then have to accept the possibility of those people seeking out sex elsewhere. Im not saying this is a good thing, obviously its not. But most people, especially men, would not be happy in a sexless relationship. And yes there are lots of reasons for this, one being that from an evolutionary standpoint men are designed to spread their seed and pass on their dna, as all living creatures are. Its why we're here! The sex drive and need to have offspring is paramount whether we like it or not.

And I simply disagreed with the fact that all women who worked in the sex industry were victims. Thats not to say that some aren't, and its disgusting in regard to sex trafficing etc or drug use, but this is not the case with all sex workers. Men visiting strip clubs is about power? I assume you've never been to a strip club or know anyone who strips? I fail to see how I guy paying for a sit-down 100s of pounds to talk is it any position of power. If anything it seems pretty powerless and weak. But probably a lot of these guys are just lonely and sad.

Yeah Mary I still stand by my post that your post about 'biology' doesn't explain why, if the drive in men is so strong to 'sew their wild oats' then why don't they stay single/end the relationship they're in. It doesn't.

Because it's about entitlement.

@terri. “I keep my boy drained”. That is the most pathetic thing I have ever read. You speak about him like he is something other than a human. If somebody wrote similar about a woman then they would be lambasted (quite rightly). You seem to see your partner as something you can control through sex.

Its for emotionaless idiots who want to use women.

Its so sad to read that any woman is posting that this might in any way the about their relationship with their partner (saying have plenty of sex , or will do whatever like the one cheated on is somehow complicit when they're not)

You're not in any way to blame, and I hope you had a matching high sex drive that meant you were having sex at least once every day, and not some kind of compliance with his high drive. I would hate to think any woman feel that's what she had to do to 'keep him happy/stop him straying' and doesn't always want sex or to be a sex object.

These non-men, don't like women much, and yes, its about power and control, as is much of the variant sex.

Those woman that do anal, and involve others, or s&m...did you instigate that? I think its sick men that want to do that in the main.

In your partners case I'd say control or habit (if he used to do it before you were together then he may have still felt that compulsion to even when with you.

mary
I know of a few couples that have split because the man wanted children and the woman didn’t.

I think it’s probably true (though I’ve not seen any evidence) that more couples split because the woman has decided she wants children but but thing to consider is that women can’t have children for as long as men so if they are with a partner that doesn’t want children it’s more urgent for her to change partners.
A man has longer to humm and har about children.