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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men in relationships using prostitutes

216 replies

AnonForThisPlease · 08/01/2019 22:24

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 18:40

Ah yes now is the time for a sexist stereoptypes dressed up as evolutionary biology.

Yes yes men are hardwired to pay women for sex, our ancestors the chimps do it all the time.

Marycornish · 09/01/2019 19:00

Evolutionary biology in regards of sexual and procreation urges are sexist stereotypes now? face palm We're really entering the rabbit hole now.

And no, we're not hardwired to pay for sex. No one's claimed that we are. Words fail me at the level of ignorance sometimes. Its frightening.

AnonForThisPlease · 09/01/2019 19:12

Marycornish that's a very black and white view of male and female sexuality. The whole 'biological urge' thing seems realy old hat to me - there's so much variation nowadays as to render it virtually meaningless. For example plenty of men have a v low sex drive and barely want to do it with anyone (tons of threads on mumsnet highlight this as a problem in relationships). And lots of women (including me)) have a v high sex drive and/or no urge whatsoever to have babies.
I think what my story demonstrates is that some men use prostitutes for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with sex - they are having loads at home and enjoying it a lot. When they book that escort, the drive is something almost completely 'other' as other PPs have said - it's the thrill of being able to choose a woman off a menu without having to worry how she'll react. In my partner's case this means he can pick a woman less than half his age with no fear of her screaming 'fuck off you dirty old man'. I think this sense of power then gives access to a fantasy world in which he is 'king of his own castle' (yes he did actually utter these awful words) and worse, he can fantasise that he is the 'special client' with whom she actually enjoys it - her lucky day when he turns up. Uuggh. Anyone who's ever had a look at ukpunting will know what I'm talking about - men believing the sex worker is having actual orgasms ffs.
Btw reading all your responses, i feel so much better, clearer, less destroyed. A v big thank you for this!

OP posts:
Firstimemama · 09/01/2019 19:29

Possibly a sex addiction

Coffeeat12 · 09/01/2019 21:33

It's simple .... Some men like sex with different women.... Or maybe young women. Some don't care about it..... That's all.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 22:09

Actually Mary, I've been a highly respected member of several D&s, and other sexual, circles for over 20 years, I know hundreds of people involved, personally, and thousands via online foraa. I've been both a Dom, a sub, a student of sexual arts and massage, explorer of fetishes, but above all this, a passionate lover of consent.

I put your point of biological makeup being the reason men paid sex workers to one online forum subset. You've provided the laughter for the rest of the week, so thank you.

Saying a woman's hormonal procreational urges is akin to a man's "urges" to fuck is a direct insult to women. Men have no hormonal need to fuck. Some men have a need to exert control over women sexually, most easily found by paying a sex worker. Do you know in parts of Merseyside, tmi warning, a man can secure a deepthroat blowjob including semen swallowing for a tenner? But wait, it's their "biological makeup" GrinGrinGrin.

Quite humorous you have little knowledge of the intricacies of D/s yet comment a man paying a Dom for sex won't feel exploited (the Dom). Given the man, the male sub, paying for the experience retains power and control over the entire situation, I guarantee you they do. That there is no actual D/s taking place.

Oh, I get it! You've been watching/reading Fifty Shades of Shite?

True D/s is a beautiful thing, subspace incredible. True D/s cannot occur when money (and consent removal ) is involved in such, as it involves the sub completely giving themselves physically, emotionally, spiritually to the Dom. A man paying a Dom is giving nothing of themselves in this way and caring only about their dicks.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 22:14

No coffee/mama. None of those. A man exerting his power, his control over a woman (buying a body as one posted said), and using money to remove her consent. Not a sex addiction, fucking a different, younger, hotter, slimmer, bustier, blonder,etc etc woman. At all.

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 22:36

And no, we're not hardwired to pay for sex.

Quite so your naive gasp of ‘hardwiring’ is not even relevant to this case.

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 22:38

I think this sense of power then gives access to a fantasy world in which he is 'king of his own castle' (yes he did actually utter these awful words) and worse, he can fantasise that he is the 'special client' with whom she actually enjoys it - her lucky day when he turns up.

This is actually exactly it OP! We have guys come into the club that are perfectly attractive etc, and could pick up anyone but it’s the fantasy that draws them in. It also makes it frustrating for me as my vocabulary at work entirely consists of “oh wow” “that’s so impressive” “you’re the best” while I’m making funny faces at myself in the mirror behind their shoulder. Same as we have millionaires that come in who could pick up anyone but what they want is a gaggle of girls fawning over them.

There’s also definitely a certain idea of what a sex worker is. Everyone imagines someone exceedingly gorgeous/young etc when honestly if you met a group of us in the supermarket you’d pay no mind. The guys don’t see you as a normal human, outside the club you’re surely off having crazy sexy parties with your stripper friends rather than soaking in a bath with Epsom salts to hopefully delay that knee replacement to at least the age of 35 haha. This is also a big part of dehumanizing sex workers which goes way beyond just the customers and into society in general but I could go on about that for way too long.

TerriTummyTowels · 09/01/2019 23:06

Everyone is trying to narrow in on what a John is like or what a sex worker is like when the reality is both are as varied and have as many different motivations as people in any other scenario. Some men might go for fantasy, some out of boredom, some out of desperation.. there are probably 1001 stories and "types".

AnonForThisPlease · 09/01/2019 23:10

HappyStripper that's such a fascinating bit of insight there! And so refreshing to have this real world view of what goes on - and from some of the other PPs too - alongside the more simplistic/ stereotypical stuff that always comes out in these debates. This is complicated stuff and the liberating thing for me right now is i can see my partner's behaviour as 100% nothing to do with me. Nohing i could have done differently or better would have affected his desire to engage in that fantasy of being the 'favourite customer'.

OP posts:
diggins · 09/01/2019 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HappyStripper · 09/01/2019 23:17

AnonForThisPlease Yep, if someone’s gonna cheat they’re gonna cheat. Any decent person would discuss issues with their partner, work through them and if nothing can be done then break up with them before having sex with anyone else whether a sex worker or an average person.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 23:35

I posted this on another thread but here's something relevant. Apologies for the c+p.

There was a story reported locally, underground (I'm extremely active in sexual matters, D/s, tantric sex and many others on some sex boards for over 20 years with numerous personal experiences - none ever including money or lack of consent/trigger flags. Having my partner quiver with anticipation is my absolute drug. Sorry, been posting in detail on a prostitution thread), a young local prostitute had a man buy a blowjob. He was so rough he broke both her front teeth and caused blood vessels in her upper throat to burst. (She attended A&E). All ok because he "paid for it" though, right? As some men on a board frequented by men like this wrote. Comments like "should've broken more teeth" and "he got his money's worth good on him" and "these slutty whores and those who dress like them deserve all of it" prevalent. Oops, apologies for the sidetrack, just makes my piss boil so much.

SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 23:40
  • (1) No/infrequent sex at home (2) Not the type of sex that you want (3) The need for variety*

Bollocks excuses. Power and control. Repeat ad infinitum.

Hi @HappyStripper , Smile, waves

NotTheFordType · 09/01/2019 23:42

There are as many reasons for seeing sex workers as there are clients.

I have serviced thousands of clients and they all have their own individual stories and drivers.

Widower
Single and body confidence issues
Post prostate cancer / ED issues which partner can't handle
Partner won't give oral
Partner won't receive oral
Single and too busy for relationships
Micro penis - lack of confidence
Passive aggressive relationship with partner in which she spends "his" money and he "treats" himself
He has a fetish of which he is ashamed and too afraid to ask a partner for (usually being fucked with a strap on)
Is submissive and although partner is GGG, craves a true domme

They also loosely fall into 4 categories

  1. Guys who are looking for a new provider every time - notches on the bedpost sort of thing
  2. Guys who have a physical difficulty with sex or are very unhappy with their body image - three guys tend to come back again and again once they find an understanding provider. Usually single
  3. Guys who fetishize a specific sex act or body part, or perhaps a roleplay, and will book repeatedly on that basis
  4. Guys who seek a provider they can have a conversation with as well as great sex. Probably half of the booking time will be taken up with chatting.
NotTheFordType · 09/01/2019 23:45

Very surprised to hear you describe yourself as a "respected" member of the kink community Steve. Ime the BDSM communities I've been involved in are very sex work positive.

AnonForThisPlease · 09/01/2019 23:49

Diggins if you read what i said, my situation was we were having sex daily or more, it was hot, adventurous, blah. Plus i was supposedly the love of his life. That was why i was so shocked and my reason for posting. Smug comments about keeping your man happy make me want to say 'are you sure?'

OP posts:
SimplySteve · 09/01/2019 23:56

I am supportive of sex workers. I'm not supportive of the significant majority of men who seek their services. Perhaps personal and direct familial experiences have blurred my views over the years, and I've not been "active" since disability hit, but my views of men are a hard limit so to speak.

NotTheFordType · 10/01/2019 00:14

So you're supportive of sex workers but you'd like to see us all go out of business? That's not exactly supporting sex workers then is it?

SimplySteve · 10/01/2019 00:41

Know what, I'm done with the amount of shite being flung my way recently. I'm done on this forum, and have contacted MNHQ to that regard in deleting my account.

Josuk · 10/01/2019 00:47

@SimplySteve

Seriously?

People have discussions and get personal sometimes. And you don’t always get some specificaly bad treatment.

Are you overreacting to something else going on?
Your other threads mentioned issues you’ve been having with your W.
Are you sure it’s not that?

SimplySteve · 10/01/2019 00:55

Nah it's many threads, the "bungalow" one for example. Nothing in this thread has been really bad, it's just an accumulation really. Many things IRL too. Thank you for posting.

LadyMofMtsensk · 10/01/2019 21:18

Sorry I might have missed this: why are you still with this guy?

AnonForThisPlease · 10/01/2019 21:34

No you haven't missed it, the thread wasnt about that. My original question was trying to understand what motivates some men to behave like this and the responses have been so interesting - maybe that's what you missed.

OP posts: