Men in relationships using prostitutes

[AnonForThisPlease]

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

PPs who are sex work negative can fuck off.
Well I've fucking heard it all now. Sex work negative = bullshit

The problem with this argument is that all of the evidence and viewpoints have been heard before. It's two sides with views that simply won't be reconciled. It just keeps going around in a circle and both sides thinks the other is so wrong they should be stopped from having their freedom on this matter. I'm not sure how productive it is.

That men should treat women as nothing more than a vagina?

Everything's got many perspectives and viewpoint, doesn't mean discussion should be shut down.

Couldn't do it.
I would rather never have sex than have it with someone who didn't want to.
I could sympathise with someone who was severely disabled and was unable to masturbate, but even then I am not really in favour of prostitution, but I could sympathise.

I find the idea of sex for any man or woman who doesn't want to do it, utterly sorrowful and paying someone makes it all the more difficult to believe they might want to.

paying for it makes it all the more difficult to believe they might want to [have sex]

Good point. That this woman is only having sex with you because you have paid for that, gross.

Big difference between Sex in the Bedroom, and erotic lovemaking with your partner.... most males have a penis where the brain was supposed to be....but, the fact that you, are no longer interested..might be the reason he is looking elsewhere..but prostitutes?? No No No!

For some men (and women), sex can be viewed as a purely physical act.
They can pay for a massage, they can pay for the physical act of sex.

It's a hell of a cold way of looking at it (to my eyes), and it's complicated further by the exploitation of women, which makes that cold transaction even colder...

But for those who see sex as far more than a physical act, I don't see how you can buy it. Affection, passion, real intimacy... they cannot be bought. They can be feigned which is enough for some, but the genuine article is given freely.

That doesn't mean sex has to super vanilla or mundane, it just means whatever people do, there's some heart and soul in it.

I think it's usually because the prostitute is much more attractive and fit than their partner. Or the prostitute offers them something that their partner doesn't. A fetish maybe?

I think it's usually because the prostitute is much more attractive and fit than their partner. Or the prostitute offers them something that their partner doesn't. A fetish maybe?

Not sure that's true.
When I've seen some on TV I wonder how anybody would want to touch them... gaunt, drug addict looks, looking unclean etc. I dont think it's a looks thing. I'm not even sure it's always a kink think either. I suspect it's just pure convenience, desperation and abject lack of emotion.
I'm sure there are some with kinks, but imagine most of it is utterly mundane.

No it's because he's a cunt who wants to feel he had power over someone and can do what he likes without giving a shit about there feelings.

You are well rid op

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Or the prostitute offers them something that their partner doesn't.

Quite. Power. Control. A scenario where consent doesn't exist. All bought for money.

Oh hello Steve, your "I'm leaving Mumsnet FOREVER!" only lasted 10 days then?

*gets popcorn and puts feet up

@NotTheFordType

ODFOD

To me though if you're having to outsource your sex life you're in the wrong relationship. (Not referring to porn in that statement)

I bang on and on about this (although I doubt as much as SimplySteve bangs on about power and control), so apologies if you've heard all this before.....

Many marriages and long term relationships are forged on the back of honeymoon energy, which inevitably dies. Complete honestly in needed from the start as too boundaries, kinks etc. Long term sexual compatibility can never be ascertained from honeymoon energy.

I know for me this is no way I could enter a marriage with someone who wasn't prepared to experiment all the way through the relationship, from the start. I wouldn't put myself into a situation where I'm ashamed or repressed. I would never be happy.

Some people are just thirsty and will cheat no matter what they have. Such people IMO should stay single and not play at monogamy, or be in open relationships.

Complete honesty from day one folks; It would save a world of heartache.

@NotTheFordType

Whats your stance on learning difficulties?

Quite. Power. Control. A scenario where consent doesn't exist. All bought for money.

A bit simplistic isn't it?
What about submissive men? What about the undateable types?
I am sure power and control is a factor for some, but it won't be all.
I don't think having zero regard for women in a sexual capacity is necessarily a power trip either, I just thing some men only know sex as a physical act and thus can rationalise prostitution in a way that others can't. To me they are missing out on so much, but to them, they don't seem to need anything more than the physical part.

I doubt the motives can be narrowed down to just power / control.

@Closetbeanmuncher
You mean would I see a client with learning difficulties? If they had capacity, yes. If I didn't feel confident that they had capacity then I wouldn't see them.

Obviously I can only determine that by speaking to them but generally speaking, if someone has been capable of searching for an escort online, deciding they want to see me, and initiating contact, then they are going to have capacity.

I have a couple of regulars with mild learning difficulties.

@TornFromTheInside

Any punter who rocks up at my place expecting to have power and control over me is in for quite the surprise.

@NotTheFordType

I didn't put it very clearly, yes that's what I meant....

Sounds like a sensible way to approach it.

Taking money from vulnerable people for sex etc, is not something that can simply be judged as acting in their own best interests, by simply assuming that because they can search on line and find an escort and u up with money, that they have sufficient capacity, that falls shockingly short of protection or vuknerable people with a protected characteristic.

This is not a hit at you notthefordtype but not all establishments or escorts are in any way monitored, necessarily safe, or trustworthy, reliable, scrupulous, or clean, and pose a massive risk when we're talking about vulnerable ppl, which includes those that cannot find acceptance otherwise in their own communities.

There are no criteria whatsoever in place to protect the vulnerable, seeking to pay for access to sex. Its a massive concern as potentially so dangerous for them.

Theres also the risk each and every working woman and girl faces in each and every encounter with a complete stranger who could potentially easily overwhelm them

There's little protection for vulnerable people full stop - they can gamble, or buy goods online. In that regard sex is no different from financial loss perspective.
Of course sex is hugely different from an emotional and physical aspect and it's always going to be a very difficult area for the sex worker and the vulnerable person with little protection for either of them, physically or from subsequent abuse allegations.

Not sure what the answer is there.

"simply assuming that because they can search on line and find an escort and u up with money, that they have sufficient capacity, that falls shockingly short of protection or vuknerable people with a protected characteristic."

Yes - which is why I always speak to them before accepting a booking. I've turned down several guys who I thought didn't have capacity - the common red flag is that they offer to pay me over my normal rate and are willing to travel hundreds of miles.

Legalisation of "brothels" (i.e. shared working space) would undercut this problem significantly. Staff who take bookings could be required to be trained in safeguarding. H&S regs would also apply.

I gave heard of a couple of cases where a SW has rinsed a guy with LD for a lot of money.

Even guys who are NT and present with no LD or MH issues can end up spending far too much money and getting emotionally involved. I have a friend who had a guy spend over £3k seeing her in just 6 weeks. She cut him off for his own good once she found out he was basically spending his pension on her (and that was like 3 months pension in half the time.)

I agree regarding legalisation of brothels. How Leeds local authority thought Holborn was a 'managed approach' is beyond me.

Legalisation of brothels would protect the vunerable, on both sides.

You simply can't liken sex tomgambling, etc, and yes there are a lot of provisions written in law for vulnerable ppl that are completely absent in prostitution.

I think men should stop using women for sex full stop, paying for it though, disgusting.