Men in relationships using prostitutes

[AnonForThisPlease]

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

No one needs to buy sex from a sex worker, they choose to. Having lots of sex and being up for non vanilla sex, didn’t provide immunity because those obviously weren’t the reasons your Ex chose to procure sex outside of your relationship.

His decision wasn’t about you or a ‘deficiency’ in your relationship, it was about him and his wants. He wanted sex with someone that wasn’t you, whilst being in a relationship with you because that’s what he wanted.

Stop wasting your trying to figure out the origins of your Ex’s

YoourEx’s selfish wants.

I hope he is your ex partner op?!

I don't believe all men would do this if they could get away with it, he's just making excuses

@HappyStripper Bang on, totally bang on. Your posts are fab.

A lot of emotions are involved with it that people are too quick to dismiss for him being abusive / a dickhead / pervert. Being submissive as a man is still very shunned in society and that creates a really big issue even beyond sex.

Haha, so true. "My names Steve and I like to be ballgagged" really WOULD generate "interesting" comments publicly much anywhere. It is, and it's a massive issue.

Honestly if anything I find overly dominant kinks in normal relationships to be more suspicious. Even if it’s done lovingly and consensually, the urge to be violent with a loved one has to come from somewhere.

Yes and no. There's violence, and violence without control. Uncontrollable violence belongs in no D&s or elsewhere sexually, or anywhere in life. Within D&s, pre-discussed triggers (red/yellow/green) discussed before any encounter in a non-sexual setting ideally. D&s at home should still have triggers imo.

My substantial experience has shown many, many facets of violence within D&s.

Sidenote: have posted elsewhere on MN about my child abuse, female & male in entirely different scenario, one, at home, long-lasting, the sexual a one-off that affects me deeply still.

So I a clutch my consent to my chest, trust no female and no man. In any way.

And again, HappyStripper, your posts are brill

Wow so interesting - SimplySteve, power and control makes complete sense to me - the thrill of being able to 'buy' a body and do stuff 'to it'. I think for him it has zero ro do with the skill or attractiveness or youth of the sex worker (omg the videos i found of him proved this!). It's all about being in charge. Also you are v right Happystripper about it 'not counting' - he excludes prostitutes from the number of women he's slept with in his life so clearly it's not cheating! I agree with what you say about these debates often getting too simplistic - focusing on the sex workers as victims or understanding male behaviour as 'like a dog needing a walk' - this seems so utterly wrong on so many levels! If that's true how would any man ever put up with non-regular sex without biting someone? To me the initial interest was in what differentiates a man who would regularly use prostitutes from one who wouldnt - i think the fixation with power and control is defo a big part of the answer

He excludes prostitutes from the number of women he's slept with as he doesn't see them as women.

“Who needs sex more than once a day? Christ. I make sure to have sex with DH every single day to avoid this and it has worked so far”
Wow! This is probably one of the saddest things I have ever read. Respect yourself more, please don’t see it as your job to stop a man straying by providing him with sex. Men are not ‘poor little things’ who have no control over themselves if they are not ‘properly serviced’ by their partners.
Seriously, expect more.

Exactly ASUS

A fixation with power and control is not healthy nor a sign that someone is capable of having a healthy relationship.

There’s always going to be people who make excuses for it but using money to buy consent is abuse.

Christ. I make sure to have sex with DH every single day to avoid this and it has worked so far

Wtf? You have sex in the hope it will stop your husband going to a prostitute?

Anyway OP, it is about control for most I think. As the pp said. It's having sex with woman that can't say no.

And all men don't do it. I know plenty who are repulsed by it. It's diversion, since most of these women don't really have a choice about their work.

Exactly @Boysandbuses. Really sad that anyone actually lives like that.

I believe any man can cheat given the right circumstances. I don’t however think all men would pay for sex

I make sure to have sex with DH every single day to avoid this and it has worked so far As far as you know. What a depressing way to live.

Also the OP says in her first post that she was having sex daily with her partner.

To me the initial interest was in what differentiates a man who would regularly use prostitutes from one who wouldnt Misogyny, that's what. He doesn't count prostitutes as women he's slept with because he sees them as objects not human beings.

Christ. I make sure to have sex with DH every single day to avoid this and it has worked so far

*Wtf? You have sex in the hope it will stop your husband going to a prostitute?

Anyway OP, it is about control for most I think. As the pp said. It's having sex with woman that can't say no.

And all men don't do it. I know plenty who are repulsed by it. It's diversion, since most of these women don't really have a choice about their work.*

Just this. Your sex life has so so little bearing on your husbands desire to, if he made the decision to @TerriTummyTowels

Men pay for sex for all sorts of reasons. But a huge part of it (I think) isn't so much the sex, they're also paying the woman to leave afterwards. Sex within a relationship is seldom without conditions. It's to get pregnant, to keep her happy, to keep him happy, to "pay" for something, to make-up after an argument, there are so many reasons, but it's hardly ever just for fun

Totally agree with this

I've often wondered what it would be like to have a sexual experience with another person that was totally centred on my pleasure, and whether a professional might have skills or knowledge that an enthusiastic amateur doesn't.

Personally, I regard paying someone for that experience as lazy and weak, so it's not something I'd do myself.

Has anyone read slave girl by Sarah Forsyth? I've just finished it and reading this thread makes me so sad :(

The married men I know of who use prostitutes do so because of unhappy relationships with lack of sex. Or single guys with needs to be met. Never met a guy who uses prostitutes for any other reason.

I think there are men that will and do and men that haven't and wont.

A single male friend of mine uses them regularly. He likes the no nonsense aspect of it and the fact he pays them to pleasure him and he doesnt have to think about them.
He is single for a reason.

On the other I never have or would. Even in the days when i was single and used to travel to s.e asia and could have paid extremely attractive women the princly sum of £25 for an entire night. IIRC I was once offered a 3some in a hotel bar in Jakarta for £40. I just couldn’t pay someone for sex.

Ex partner surely?

The married men I know of who use prostitutes do so because of unhappy relationships with lack of sex. Or single guys with needs to be met. Never met a guy who uses prostitutes for any other reason.

Excuses. If you're in an unhappy relationship, leave then the world is your oyster. Even having a one nighter with someone, utterly abhorrent in my opinion, isn't like seeing a prostitute.

Hiring a sex worker is completely about their power and control over a body, and some men happy to give their power over to the sex worker in rarer cases. Not as rare as you might think. Payment eschews consent is the vast male opinion.

Single guys? Same shit. It's not exactly difficult to find no strings, one-night sex in today's world. Literally everybody can find it. Through various channels, I've seen disabled men and women, pre-conceived geeks, people considering themselves "ugly" etc etc find one-off shags; and relationships.

I know I keep saying it, but hiring a sex worker is all about power and control. Men doing so are morally bankrupt to me.

Men are selfish and disgusting. I can't even read this thread. So happy I'm single.

It's not exactly difficult to find no strings, one-night sex in today's world. Literally everybody can find it. Through various channels, I've seen disabled men and women, pre-conceived geeks, people considering themselves "ugly" etc etc find one-off shags; and relationships.

There's a voice of privilege right there. Utterly, ludicrously wrong.

the voice of privilege
Don’t make me laugh.

No one is owed sex, it is not a right.
If no one wants to shag you then you can’t have a shag. End of.

It's not exactly difficult to find no strings, one-night sex in today's world. Literally everybody can find it.

This is so untrue. There are so many people who are unable to find someone to have NSA sex with! People with severe disabilities, people with mild learning difficulties but who have a sex drive, people who are seen as conventionally unattractive, morbidly obese, too shy to go out and find someone, a million reasons.

You are literally wrong.

Do you think people who pay sex workers would spend that amount of money if they could oh so easily go off and find sex for free any time they wished? You are so incorrect, which is surprising given you are obviously very sex/kink minded and have a lot to do with the kink community (from what you’ve said).