Men in relationships using prostitutes

[AnonForThisPlease]

Found this out about my partner 18 months ago but am stiĺl going over it in my mind like a dog with a bone. I don't really care about him any more (know he'll never change) but can't stop dwelling on why do people do this? Even when in a 'great' relationship, having a load of sex at home and apparently loving it - what motivates them to go and buy it off a stranger, not just once but many times, perhaps regularly? And why would some men not consider doing this? At times I've believed what my partner says - that they'd all do it if there was zero risk of getting caught - but my heart says this is complete bollocks, i just can't be that pessimistic about the human race.
Would love to hear what others think, especially if you've been on the receiving end - also is there any hope of recovering or will i always feel this damaged?

attitude has nothing to do with brain chemistry

That's nonsense. Your mental state (such as is radically altered by mental health issues) is hugely influential in your attitude and even whole worldview

Are you saying you could take medication to change your worldview Terri? Or to change what you find sexually arousing?

Posh wank, is all.

They can't be bothered to do it the!selves, so employ some nameless faceless vagina to drain their juice. Its not complex, they don't see women as real people with emotions, connections and equality.

I'd say there's definitely evolution wise that may make men desire sex more but there's no determination on how they go about it or treat woman.

Basically you could have two men equally as 'horny' and one uses prostitutes or coerced his partner where the other may masturbate or read erotic fiction. Or exercise to get it out his system. Neither is different in biology, but they are in attitude.

So environmental factors make a selfish or entitled man, not how he was born to be. Unfortunately, it's all too easy to nurture a growing man into these entitled views if his Dad/friends are, with all the pop culture related to rape culture and gender stereotypes and men not actively being taught how a woman wants to be treated.

Its a bit like, in evolutionary terms, being hungry, and going hungry in order for yur DC to eat. Or spending the last bit of cash on their instead of yourself.

Both sexes have that appetite, we assume reasonably equally, but this one is life dependent, and yet we are capable of withholding g our own needs for others without having to break into next doors house to steal their food, or steal food from the shops, unless life and limb were under threat and sometimes not even then, so again, what utter bollocks. Funny how that exoression gets used so often, given the topic

Are you saying you could take medication to change your worldview Terri?

That's exactly what antidepressants are meant to do. People think life isn't worth living and then sometimes they do. That's a pretty big change in worldview.

People who take LSD have often referred to having their view of the world changed permanently by it too.

Opinions, approach and worldview are not immutable at all and highly dependent on changing brain chemistry. We see this ourselves with PND. Noone imagines they could hurt a baby but things change fast if you're unlucky enough.

I don't disagree with the facts of that post Terri but I suppose it depends on your definition of 'world view'. I don't think it has ever been shown that you can medicate to change what arouses you sexually though.

When DP and I have chatted about this kind of thing he does seem to think that cheating with a sex worker is 'less bad' because of the lack of emotional intimacy. I imagine that this is pretty common. I also don't think that anyone is immune from cheating in general and I think you'd have to be an idiot to imagine that it could never ever happen in your relationship.

I don't think that DP would cheat on me and I do largely trust him not to. However, it isn't impossible, he has cheated on a past girlfriend and he does have one particular friend who would encourage him to cheat. Equally, it isn't impossible that I would cheat on him! I've never cheated, but I have a much higher sex drive than he does and I'm slutty when I'm out dancing.

The word entitlement seems to crop up a fair few times in this thread. There are plenty of threads on here when us women are complaining about sexless relationships and the general advice is to get out and lifes too short. So are we allowed to be entitled to sex and men are not? Either both sexes are, or neither are. We cant have it both ways.

I dont think we can label men who pay sex workers as power-mad or women haters. Thats not to say that some are, but all of them? There are myriad reasons for men using sex workers, some are single and socially inept, some are disabled or lonely. There are also women who use sex workers, are these women power-mad men haters?

The fact is that prostitution has always existed, simply because men will pay for sex and women (mainly) will not. The same with strip clubs etc. And regarding strip clubs, whos really the one with the power? The dancer who goes home with a stash of notes every night or the sad guy who has to pay to talk to a woman or watch her dance? And who on earth would feel powerful about having to pay someone to have sex? I'd think its pretty humiliating to have to do that.

The word entitlement seems to crop up a fair few times in this thread. There are plenty of threads on here when us women are complaining about sexless relationships and the general advice is to get out and lifes too short. So are we allowed to be entitled to sex and men are not? Either both sexes are, or neither are. We cant have it both ways.

That'll be me Marycornish but as you seem to keep wilfully ignoring my point that men tend to feel entitled enough to want to stay in the relationship and get sex elsewhere.

I dont think we can label men who pay sex workers as power-mad or women haters.

Yes, I do and plenty others do too - you think men who think it's OK to buy women like we're produce on a supermarket shelf are respectful of women? You'd have to not like women much (hate) to do that.

And before you whataboutery about women using sex workers I feel the same about them too.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter - Sadly you're mistaken. There was an interesting documentary on the sex industry on channel 4, you'll find theres a myriad of reasons why men do, one chap was severely disabled, others just lonely older guys - it was sad but enlightening all the same. You cant fit everyone into your chosen box to suit a point of view.

Im assuming you feel the same way about gold-diggers and women looking for sugar daddies? Theyre not exactly averse to selling themselves like 'produce on a supermarket shelf' - opinions?

And your earlier point, men might stay in those relationships because they still love their wife or partner, and yet the sex is gone? The same goes for women who stay married but play around.

Paying someone for a service, no matter how tasteless that service is, is not the equivalent of treating them like supermarket produce..

I'm mistaken? Nope. Lonely, disabled, anti social doesn't mean it's OK to buy someone else's consent/body.

Regarding your point about a sexless marriage - nope. Either work it out with your spouse or separate.

But yes, the poor menz

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter - you sound like quite a bitter, damaged person. You seem to have no empathy and a worrying hatred of men, which is clear in your posts. Disabled old man? Screw him - entitled woman hater.

I know - lets make it illegal (Oh not - tried that) and drive it underground and make it dangerous, in the hope that it will stop it happening. What a wonderful idea. Whether you approve of it or not, it happens. Youre so blinkered its quite alarming.

Yes, I do and plenty others do too - you think men who think it's OK to buy women like we're produce on a supermarket shelf are respectful of women?

People don’t ‘buy’ the actual human being doing sex work, as i’m sure you well know. They pay them for a service. In a supermarket you buy and then own the product. Huge difference. Logic fail.

I don’t personally have a problem with men using sex workers if they are not in any kind of a relationship, although I do think they should be aware that future partners might! The post was about men ‘in’ relationships And that I do have an issue with because the likelihood is there is some poor unaware woman oblivious to the fact and usually is very unaware and therefore not able to make her own choices . It doesn’t matter if sex is not top of her agenda, if the bloke feels the need to go elsewhere he should be up front about it so she can make choices or he should not be in a relationship

MaryCornish you keep going on about sexless relationships but the whole point of this thread was about someone using sex workers while being in an extremely active sexual relationship with an adventurous partner. This is a more complex question and needs a more intelof an answer than the simplistic ideas you keep throwing out.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter - you sound like quite a bitter, damaged person

Nope, I just have empathy with sex workers. But nice personal attack there 'Mary' cornish.

Buying posh wanks, its insulting, using women for their vagina, reducing someone to relieving themself of their semen. Disability doesn't entitle someone to sex. Noone is entitled to sex.

Treating anyone by their 'use' is demeaning and degrading, especially in such a personal and intimate part of their personality.

Just wanted to highlight a couple of things after my posting here was challenged.

I see the whole area of sex workers, the sex industry and the people using it as extremely serious. It's one of the things easily in the "top five" of issues I'm passionate about and follow closely.

My "wave" at a sex worker posting here was meant as a frivolous gesture, as I'd supported her posts. Nothing more.

Second, I posted nothing that was meant as a boast. I'd never do such a thing about any of the top issues that mean a lot to me. The information posted was about detailing my experiences, as a man, in this area, nothing more.

Finally, just want to re-iterate this topic means a hell of a lot to me and I would never be frivolous, boastful in such a topic intentionally.

Yes, I have had, and continue, to have a lot of things going on, externally. I'm restricting my MN posting for now, till things calm down.

Best wishes everyone whose posted in this thread.

I just wonder if it's just some perfect storm of circumstances. There is another thread on here about a woman, who's last three partners have all turned out to be married. So some men use sex workers and some use hook up sites.
There seems to be some post 80's entitlement that's being facilitated by the connectivity brought about through the internet. I wonder how many of these people now find it easy to hook up. Whereas in the past it would have been significantly more difficult to organise and hence less people acted on it.

I have two close friends, mid 50's, both owners/MD's of companies. Both while abroad will "treat themselves" to an escort (their words). This is not a power thing to them (they have enough power), I suspect they see it as harmless fun, with a consenting adult. They both truly believe their "dates" are acting entirely of free will.

The point being, it's all done through the internet. Both would be horrified at the thought of picking someone up off the street and would not do it. Nowadays people have a facilitator to help their activities that wasn't there for previous generations.

Noone is entitled to sex

No-one is "entitled" to anything: love, sex, conversation, hugs, a job.. but we do consider these things to be important enough to humans to proactively allow people access to, whether for free, by charity, or even via some sort of barter or market system.

Did you know there are sex volunteers who have sex with people with complex sexual issues for free? It was on a channel 4 documentary where this therapist introduced a rather old virgin man to sex and intimacy. Is that degrading too?

Do you even know what consent is Terri?