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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling partner making me lie

220 replies

Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 05:50

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped Sad. I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

OP posts:
MakeItRain · 25/05/2016 06:04

It doesn't matter what other people think. How "tied" to him are you financially? How easy would it be to leave? Is there anyone you could stay with for a while so you can extricate yourself from this harmful relationship?

BrienneAndTormund · 25/05/2016 06:06

You're not trapped.
What is tying you to him? Children, money? It can be done and it must be done. Please call womens aid for advice.

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 06:15

No the house is in his name . I have two children not to him . Just feel I haven't the confidence I'm quite scared . He's not violent at all . What is wrong with me ? I'm normally so strong

OP posts:
BrienneAndTormund · 25/05/2016 06:17

That's a relief.
Your children are watching this relationship and learning how men and women relate to each other from you both. You are setting them up for a lifetime of being abused or abusers. Does that make you feel any more motivated?

MakeItRain · 25/05/2016 06:25

You don't need to do anything straight away apart from explore your options for leaving. (Staying with a friend/look up rental properties/find out what you could afford)

Don't worry about what other people think. They probably realise something's not right.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 25/05/2016 06:29

Oh sweetie, it sounded like you went from the frying pan to the fire. Sad

LumpySpacedPrincess · 25/05/2016 06:29

The freedom programme

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 06:39

Yes ive already started looking at an escape I've started putting money to one side but I have to give him half my wages on Friday which might wipe me out a bit as I stalled done if the money last month to hide and said it was for a school trip but he's not forgot

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 25/05/2016 06:40

Can you leave on thursday and go somewhere until you have enough for a deposit on a rental?

AugustaFinkNottle · 25/05/2016 06:41

Phone Women's Aid, today.

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 06:42

Would probably have to go to family but I need to work today so gives me little time

OP posts:
Smurfling43 · 25/05/2016 06:48

Have you told anyone in rl what's happening ?

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 07:20

No but my sister is guessing . Says it's weird how I don't see her like I used to . I just made an excuse

OP posts:
TheNIghtManagersWife · 25/05/2016 07:23

Please tell your sister everything as a first step. Meet her for lunch when you go to work. Or call her in your lunch break. You must gather strength from others. You are not tied to this man.

It is scary, terrifying in fact to change your life in this way. I did the same last year when I left my controlling ex. My children have blossomed since then. It's not easy but it is far far easier than living like you are now.

What he is doing is coercive control. It's illegal and it's wrong. You have every right to leave this relationship asap.

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 12:03

Thanks . I've tried to contact my sister a couple of times today . As I'm trying to call her he sends me a text saying .... How is your sister ? Have you seen her ? It just unnerves me that he somehow is on to my plans . How the hell he would know I don't know . My mind is all over the place .

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 25/05/2016 12:11

OP I would be worried about him asking about your sister, could he have spyware installed on your phone? Be careful and good luck getting out Flowers

MrsBertBibby · 25/05/2016 12:12

Has he got access to your phone account? Could he have spyware on your phone?

Would work be supportive if you tell them what's up? Can they give you some time to make calls from work phones to be more private?

BadDoGooder · 25/05/2016 12:14

Oh I'm so sorry op. He's a controlling abusive dick.

As I'm trying to call her he sends me a text saying .... How is your sister ? Have you seen her ? It just unnerves me that he somehow is on to my plans . How the hell he would know I don't know

PLEASE PLEASE take your phone to a decent phone shop ASAP.
Get them to check for key loggers and tracking things, I would be suspicious enough to think he's watching what you write and do.

Also any laptops etc, if you can get them checked as well, I am v worried that he will be able to see you planning an escape and will escalate his behaviour.

Don't want to frighten you, but modern technology has made it so easy for these bastards.

Also call Womens Aid asap.

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 12:25

I've thought about spyware before . He seems to know things I mean really random things I may have been doing . I change my code daily so he would have to have access to this to put the spyware on . Not impossible but probable . Work are good with support issues and I can use computers etc so that's not a problem

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/05/2016 12:45

he could easily have put a keylogger on your phone, pc etc, he sounds the type to do it. if I were you i'd get a cheap pay as you go phone and only give the number to your sister, trusted friends etc.

pinkyredrose · 25/05/2016 12:46

Also you can get keyloggers that can be accessed remotely so he may not need to have your phone in his hand to see what you're doing.

MrsBertBibby · 25/05/2016 12:52

Also, could he be bugging you? It's horribly easy, look at this case (father bugging daughter's blazer to listen in on meetings and contact)

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWFC/HCJ/2016/29.html

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 13:17

That is terrible . I need to look into what a key logger is and yes I imagine I could be being bugged which didn't enter my head .

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 25/05/2016 13:21

Jesus Shock

You need to get out pronto.

tipsytrifle · 25/05/2016 13:32

You are in real danger here, I think. If he has keyloggers on your phone etc it won't be long before he finds your thread here. I think this is an urgent enough situation for you to contact women's aid and see if there is any emergency refuge you and dc could go to - as in tonight or asap. The more he suspects your thoughts, the more he will torment you with his knowledge of your day. His abuse will escalate from here on.

It would be best to be out of there before you surrender half your wage to him this Friday. Are you ready to leave yet?