Controlling partner making me lie

[Feelingthefearnow]

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped . I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

I already think he's sensing something . You are certainly right about his behaviour changing . He was trying to get really close to me saying lovely things I just made my excuses carefully to do something else

He's given himself away hasn't he? Let your imagination run riot with all the things he may be doing to watch and listen to you, so you are aware of the worst he may be doing. I'm not being dramatic but he could have a tracker on your car and a camera in the house at least. Think worst case scenarios to be safe OP. Arrange a mate to come and take all your stuff in a space of an hour and get out.

Don't worry my imagination always is at its worst . I am always aware of what might be lately . Thanks for concern

I remember a thread on here where the OP was staggered how much money her 'DP' had spent at Tandy on surveillance gear and voice activated recorders and stuff. He gave himself away too. She got the police involved and hopefully made a case against him. With her case he started by tracking her mobile and then got obsessed with knowing her whereabouts and contacts etc.

Hope you are ok today. Try to remember why you are doing this and don't be too proud or embarrassed to ask for help and support from friends, family or an organisation like Womens Aid.
Try to keep strong. It must be very confusing to be subject to all your partner's mind games. You start doubting your own judgement.

Remember you don't deserve to be treated this way and none of it is your fault. Imagine a scene where you are away from your partner, happy with your children and free from all his constraints. Picture it when you have a wobble or doubt yourself.
You 'll get there x

He is obsessed with mapping out where I am during the day ' are you home yet ? ' ' have you left yet ' etc etc and if something doesn't add up he seems to know . He knew something didn't add up last week , something I forgot to tell him about where I'd been and he was hounding me until I remembered , then he settled back down . He was 200 miles away . It gave me the creeps . I wandered if there was a camera of some type

Thanks I will ask for support and women's aid once he's gone out of the house

What a horrible situation. I think it's going to be difficult to break free from him.
Please be really careful planning how you will go forward from here. Womens Aid will give you some practical suggestions and I hope your sister can help.
I would avoid confronting him on his controlling behavior and concentrate on getting out of this relationship.

It takes a lot of strength to fight back from something like this. You're doing well. Just take each step as it comes if it all feels overwhelming at the moment.

Can you get a cheap PAYG second phone? Sorry if someone has already suggested this. It sounds like he has some mechanism for tracking your movements and who you contact via your phone.

I hope WA can help you.
I would imagine there is some kind of camera.
There was a recent thread where a 'D'H had bugged certain areas of the house.
There is spyware that can look like all sorts of things.
Plug sockets etc.....
She found the one in the front room straight away.
Not sure what happened after that.
It's very unnerving that he is sooooo controlling.
As a PP has said, get to a phone store asap and find out if you have anything on your phone that he is tracking.
If you have an iphone you can turn off your tracker quite easily.
I wouldn't do anything in this instance to arouse his suspicions until you've spoken to Womens Aid.
Once you've got a handle on what is bugged, or key logged etc... you can make your escape.
Well done - keep going!

I'm so glad that you seem to be realising that this is a dangerous situation. Also that you are able to imagine the worst by way of his surveillance and abuse escalating. You did an amazing thing when you spoke to work too! Hopefully you are already finding the instant support you're getting an indication of how seriously we're all taking this.

Yes, you will have to dredge up the strength to leave. Let's all worry about the aftermath together, online and in RL, ok? Getting out asap is the priority here.

I'm wishing you a whole load of grit and determination to balance your fear. We experience fear for good reason but an overdose of it can be a hindrance. Set your sails toward escaping this dreadful relationship.

Hopefully, WA will indeed be able to offer the lead in planning your imminent departure.

If he's tech savvy then he'll likely have your phone tracked with GPS and even your car if you drive.

On occasion such suspicion leads them to hire a P.I to follow you when they are out of town. Secret cameras have been installed at home too.

I suggest you don't have private conversations in your car in case that's been bugged witha VAR.

Does he have access to your phone bills?

Would you consider reporting this to the police? Even if he hasn't been bugging you the texts, the mapping and the handing over wages are evidence of coercive control which is now a crime. It would potentially be the safest way to get him away from you?

I have a phone from a friend now just need a SIM card . This morning I will carefully look for any spyware around the house I've just seen you can even get in smoke alarms ! Scary . My phone tracker was always turned off and I did t think about conversations in the car as that's where I communicate with people otherwise I can't have a conversation with anyone without him disecting it after I come off the phone ..

No he doesn't have access to phone bills and I don't want to involve police at this stage really.

You can buy a SIM from Tesco cheaply I think. Pay cash. Bin the receipt. Have any important conversations out of the house and car. Top up with cash if possible. Or get your sister to do it online at her house. Think about taking important documents to work to keep things safe in case you decide to just go.Birth certificates, passports, a memory stick with photos, that sort of thing. If you think he knows what you're doing you can just pop out with the DC and not go back.

When you say 'at this stage' what is it that you mean?

What is it that you are concerned about with the police? That it would make him angry/make things worse?

I do think it is something to think about seriously. The level of his control is really very frightening IMO and I'd be very concerned about his reaction to you taking steps towards leaving and the fact that you don't know how he is surveiling you ATM so can't really be sure he won't find out anything that you do.

wow. This is the first time a thread has really sent chills down my spine Please use all the support you can, IRL & on here x

Get your important documents etc together if you can. Mention that you are doing some 'spring cleaning' and sorting out a few things to 'take to the charity shop'. Take them to work with you (and ask work if it is ok to leave some of your belongings there for a while), but go to the charity shop with a few odd bits anyway.

My exH bugged our landline 25 years ago and could listen from his car. It's even easier nowadays.

Like you, I picked up on little things he said that sounded familiar because they'd come up in my conversations.

Be suspicious and very careful.

Well done telling your boss. I would say don't make any calls when at home or in the car for now. I know that might be difficult but if he has bugged the house then he will know. Can you call/email your sister using a work email address?

Why don't you want to involve the police?

Listen, what he is doing is illegal and you actually sound quite scared (I completely understand why), the police may help in respect of leaving and it may also be crucial to have this logged in case he carries on after you leave (think non molestation order etc).

When he leaves, collect all important documents, pack a small bag for you and your children and just leave. Remember once he realises you have guessed, then he may get violent to make you stay.

Just another suggestion, maybe you should speak to the children's school and also your GP.

Hi have spoke to WA . It wasn't as scary as I thought as they led with questions . They gave me advice and have arranged for me to see someone tomorrow . I have not looked for any camera type things as I wandered if I was being spied on as I was looking for them so I will do this tonight when he is out with his child . I have just set a trap in my bag while I went for a shower and felt sick when I came back to find everything has been rifled through

That's great that you've contacted WA. They'll help. Take care. Perhaps don't look around for evidence of him tracking you - if he has a camera he will know you know IYSWIM. Focus on planning to get out safely, with the WA advice.

WA also suggest I find any excuse not to give money tomorrow until I see them tomorrow . They gave me advice that you guys have pretty much said re getting docs together etc but to be cautious when I do it obviously