Controlling partner making me lie

[Feelingthefearnow]

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped . I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

I would expect him to have "bugged" dc equipment too. Sadly I think you might be best to do a runner with dc. Please consider police. Everything you say makes this more and more an imprisonment set up. His working from home is a huge thing - he KNOWS. He is guarding you and preventing your escape.

Protect your money as best you can. I might even dig a hole and bury my card somewhere but then who knows what he might drag you into by way of getting hold of your money. How you'd protect online stuff I don't know. Maybe change p/w AND email in secret. So it won't work with your usual details. But that would need a new email he has no knowledge of. Wouldn't last long as a smoke screen, just a bamboozler til after bank holiday. Just thoughts.

If you're at work tomorrow and he isn't (sorry, forgot from above if you already said) could you phone WA back, collect kids (even thro school day) and go to refuge? Did they offer that as an option? I think police involvement is essential here, really I do. What he is doing is illegal and there will be RL support for you if you do a runner with nothing to your name but the cry of "freedom"

Could anyone at all in your family help here?

Damn - yeah, he may (is likely to be) reading this ....

What YoureSoSlyButSoAmI said.

Please be careful OP I've been in this situation and can relate, I didn't have DC at the time thou!! Good luck with everything xxx

I really hope you get away tomorrow. I too am terrified he knows about this thread. I wish you could call the police tonight.

Oh this is not sounding good.
I sincerely hope you manage to get away today.
This is escalating fast so you absolutely must involve the police.
Call 101 and ask for the DV team.
Tell them everything.
They will put you on a priority list and come very fast if you dial 999.
I would love to say just stand up to him. Tell him to back the fuck off, but I fear he will become violent when faced with all this.
Get as many people in RL on board as possible.
Sister, family, friends, work colleagues.
Seems scary but the more people that more then the more people will have your back.
This is feckin' terrifying.

My thoughts are with you today op. Do whatever you have to do to keep you and the dc safe.

I'll be thinking of you today op. Stay safe xx

This has sent chills down my spine. Please be careful Op. Good luck getting away today.

Dropped the kids off . Parked up feeling bloody lost . I think I am going to hang around the shops for a bit and make myself in contactable . He was in bed when I left but I've had two texts asking when I am back

uncontactable I mean

Making yourself unconctactable is dangerous if you don't use the time to actually get away IMO. I really would urge you to go to the police station while you are away from him.

I do understand that it is difficult to actually take those steps but if you are not ready yet you need to play along IMO.

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry.

He is escalating and getting very dangerous.

Well done for everything you've done so far, I'm thinking of you.

What are your plans?

Can you get their dad to have them after school today for the weekend and you just get away?

Go to the police and ask to speak to the DV unit. Tell them you are afraid to go back, tell them he went through your bag when you had a shower, that he interigates you if you drive in "the wrong" direction, that he repeatedly questions you and insists on taking half your money despite earning much moré than you, that he checks what you spend your money on.

All of these are Important points that build a picture. Tell then you have spoken to WA but cannot safely go back to your home.

I agree it seems best to humour him and not arouse suspicion, but he sounds paranoid and not especially rational?

Absolutely.
Switch your phone off and just have some quiet time on your own with your own thoughts!
This must be so overwhelming for you.

If the op goes incommunicado this man will just get more and more frantic until she responds, that isn't going to help the situation

I'd suggest doing whatever is necessary to keep him calm and reassured whilst planning your escape

O god OP what a terrible situation.

Please get out as quickly and safely as you can.

Ok have decided to leave phone on . Text and told him I am in school assembly while I kill time . He has replied cheerily saying ok what time will you be back ? I've not answered yet . Will go to WA this morning and go from there re police . I won't go back to the house until I am armed with a plan xxxxx

Dont leave answering too long or he may phone the school

Good luck

Children are at dads anyway tonight

I won't x

You need to be careful and not make him suspicious.

Either you play nice and make him think you are loved up and want to live happily ever after with him, or you leave now, get help and don't go back home on your own.

Ok that's good. Please don't go back until you have a plan with official support (eg police escorting you to be able to pack and then leave with them).

Please don't do anything to arouse his suspicion unless you've already gone without trace.

He is a very scary man, and you won't be safe. I don't tend to say this but in this case, you are right to be scared, don't dismiss that fear, or be worried about over reacting. Being scared is a good thing because it's going to help you survive.

So glad you're meeting WA, I hope they can help you very quickly.