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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling partner making me lie

220 replies

Feelingthefearnow · 25/05/2016 05:50

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped Sad. I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

OP posts:
suzu1982 · 27/05/2016 10:13

Good luck today op. Your children are safe, time for you to be safe too.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 10:32

Great update OP.
I really hope you manage to get the help and support you need to get away from this man.
Good luck today.
It could be the start of the rest of your life with freedom.

Offred · 27/05/2016 10:44

Op, you are doing amazingly!

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 27/05/2016 10:58

Thank you everyone . It's strange how the mind can be manipulated, I was just thinking when reading your threads , the words 'dangerous' and 'police ' etc make me want to tell you that this man, I could never ever imagine him being violent , it's the intimidation and calmness that makes it much much worse . The way I feel now I think I'd take a punch any day rather than have my mind completely messed with . I always saw myself as a completely take no shit kind of person with a professional career and now I'm spending hours down side streets hiding as I am too scared to go home . But ... This is the day I am hoping I will find my stregnth through the agencies I will be meeting and you my support Smileand have been a life line xx

OP posts:
Zaurak · 27/05/2016 11:07

Do you use whatsapp? It can be set up so that the message also go to another computer or tablet, so be very careful who you contact and how.
If your boss is supportive, can you store documents etc at work or with a friend? He can access the car.
You need to assume he's reading this.

'Coercive control' is now a crime - involve the police, please, and stay safe.

MessyBun247 · 27/05/2016 11:13

OP my exH was EA and controlling, made me feel like I was going mad, I was constantly questioning myself as I couldn't think straight a lot of the time.
I remember thinking I wish he would just hit me so I would have a valid reason to leave.

You are doing so well! Keep going!

Lunar1 · 27/05/2016 11:14

How long before he thinks you should be back?

Sleeplessinmybedroom · 27/05/2016 11:16

You will find this strength and you will be so happy when you are free from his control. Hopefully this meeting with WA will set the ball in motion.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 11:24

Indeed - a punch is a punch and physical violence.
The reason new laws have been put into place is because it's now fully recognised that EA can mess with you far more!
Keep going. You'll get there!

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 27/05/2016 12:03

Thanks for advice and experiences . I've had an hour with WA who have been amazing and we have come up with a plan covering all bases . I feel much better . Yes my head too has not been thinking straight at all . I just need to stall everything over the weekend which is going to be the most difficult part I think but NEED to get through it I have to

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 27/05/2016 12:11

So WA will help but not until after the weekend? I wish you were getting away today.

theansweris42 · 27/05/2016 12:17

Just adding my voice in support.

Agree (having been there) that managing things through the weekend is important so that you're safe and can work on your plan next week.
Stay strong you CAN and WILL get away.

To get some headspace, when I could not get away from him and we had to be in the house, I used to say I had upset tummy and have trips to the loo, clean out cupboards etc, have a headache and lie down (where he can see you, if necessary, but so that you don't have to talk) - so that I could keep my inner self safe and not feel too upset all the time and also to help me not reveal anything.

Stay strong OP you are not alone Chocolate

hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 12:24

So glad they were helpful.
Fake it 'til you make it.
Just get out safely.

Original poster
Feelingthefearnow · 27/05/2016 12:26

That's exactly what we have planned . I'm busy with sport stuff on sat but sun I will fake something to stall the other days . It's the safest option once I've talked it through rather than sooner

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 27/05/2016 13:12

good. loads of us are thinking of you Flowers

jetsetlil · 27/05/2016 13:29

Is it worth moving this to the other place in the meantime? Just in case

sansXsouci · 27/05/2016 13:51

This all sounds like a living nightmare, I don't have anything constructive to add, just wanted to say you are being very brave and the very best of luck. x

LordoftheTits · 27/05/2016 14:16

Oh this thread is worrying. I'm glad you've spoken to someone, I hope you can get away soon.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/05/2016 14:26

Thanks to you, well done for talking to WA. Brilliant step to take.

Lunar1 · 28/05/2016 15:55

I hope you are getting through the weekend ok.

notapizzaeater · 28/05/2016 16:06

Hope you're ok over the weekend x

IronDuchess · 28/05/2016 20:58

OP, your post has really hit a nerve with me. I could have written this 10 years ago. Please, please get away from him. When you do, buy a new phone and SIM, do not use your current phone. If you have a laptop, tablet etc don't use them until you get a professional to check if there is any spyware on them. Please, please report this to the police. I can guarantee he's done this before and will do it again unless someone stops him. Change your bank. Inform your employer in case he contacts them to make trouble. Once you've left , have a notebook handy at all times so you can write down times, dates, places if he somehow manages to track you. Report each incident to the police giving as many details as possible. Get your family and friends to block his number and block him on social media. Inform your DC's father so he knows not to let him near your children. If your children have phones, buy them new ones and new SIMs, if he has bugged your phone, he's probably done it to theirs as well. If they have computers, tablets etc, get them checked by experts for spyware. Do not use their devices yourself until they've been checked. Well done for making the first step, please follow it though. Flowers

wannabestressfree · 28/05/2016 21:06

Hope your doing OK X

Elvisrocks · 28/05/2016 21:19

Any news OP? Hope you're okay.

AdoraBell · 28/05/2016 21:21

Hope you okay OP

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